Hey guys,
Been lurking this forum for the past few days and decided it was finally time to join and say hello! Be warned this is going to be super long so feel free to skim, but I just wanted to fully brain dump and give some context behind me.
So for outing reasons I can't give my name right now, so motion will do for now. I'm almost 24 and from the UK.
I'll dive in with a bit of a back story first: I knew for a long time that something was up but kind of shook it off and never really put 2 and 2 together and just got on and tried to live a normal life as a female, as I knew of nothing different (nothing about trans at all, I knew that guys had sex changes to become girls but thought it was very uncommon and had no idea the other way round existed).
This was until I got to the prime age of 15/16. I set up a fake myspace profile as a dude and eventually started using my own pictures, came up with a name and a backstory etc. I think this actually isn't too uncommon with trans people? Anyways I made friends as male and it was great, I even met up with a few people and was just seen as this guy and I ended up having a girlfriend for a year, still as this guy, we never had sex or anything and I guess she was just young and naive so didn't question anything too much. I realised then that I wanted to be a guy - I mean it's not "normal" for any cis girl comfortable with being a girl to go to such lengths and actually live out as a guy - albeit in a double secret life - and love it and feel as if it was just normal. In a weird way I didn't feel like I was pretending, so I guess that was a pretty big indicator. I did a tiny bit of secret googling and didn't find all that much, there was definitely no way near as much info online as there is now and I don't think I really knew what I was looking for. So I told my sister I thought I wanted to be a boy (she knew nothing about this online profile stuff), she kind of doubted me and I shook it off and said actually never mind.
So I pushed all these feelings aside and tried to find my identity and style as a female, I did this up until late last year/early this year. Although (and I know this is really bad) I have kept my online presence as that guy, same name, same stories, all this time - I could never let go, I guess it became normal to my life that it stopped being an indicator, if that makes any sense?! Anyways, I got to about november/december last year and something changed, I have no idea what or why. But suddenly all my thoughts were consumed by FTM, I'd trawl the internet constantly and I began thinking about what had happened between 16 and now, how could I have suppressed my feelings for so long, how was it possible I pushed them so far back into my mind, and how is it they had suddenly reappeared so strongly?
After trawling the internet and began understanding things, I guess I got a sense of clarity and finally fully put 2 and 2 together and begun to accept (still laced with doubt) that this was me. I had a hard time battling with myself and saying is this real life or is this just fantasy? But I continued, I didn't stop myself or suppress this time, I just kept thinking. I made my decision around January some time that this was real life and I had to do this and the fact I'd be turning 24 this year was a real decision maker too, I couldn't deal with this another year of my life. So, in February I came out to my immediate family and they've been quite supportive.
After the coming out it felt as if it went stagnant, I wanted desperately to start presenting as male and using the right pronouns but knew that it would be far too much of a head->-bleeped-<- for me and my family. Because I have a job where I'm seen as female. 5 days a week being female and the weekends being male would just be too much for me to handle. And it would feel so innately wrong for me to have my family be calling me he etc if I was to go to theirs after work and be my "female self" - I couldn't hack that. Anyway the time has actually been helpful, I've been able to really think and get my thoughts collected, be able to explain myself more clearly and look to how I want to plan my future steps. I don't know how common this is, to come out but still present as female for several months after?
Anyways lets switch to the present. I've finally made my first appointment to see the GP and tell them I'm trans, this feels like a big step because not only am I making my first transition step but I'm also coming out to someone else. So that'll be happening in a few days. I'm then going to take the scariest plunge and tell my manager/HR at work. It's quite a big company and I've worked there for about a year and 8 months, so people know me very well. Some people who have known me since the beginning have seen me progress from relatively girly, to less, to short hair and relatively androgynous - luckily my manager is one of them. I'm hoping that makes it slightly easier, although there's a pretty big high turnover so there are a lot of new people who would never have seen that progression. My company is LGBT friendly (well I hope the T) and I don't see it being a problem but it's definitely still nerve wracking.
But yeah I decided that now is the perfect time, I'm going to see my doctors and then a week or two later I'll tell my manager (who happens to be gay and very into the LGBT scene) and then HR. It's perfect timing for me as I'll be going on holiday for two weeks and I'd like people to be informed whilst I'm away so there's time for them to adjust, as well as me (like I said I've not even been called male pronouns yet or my new name because of the whole presenting female thing, although my family isn't against it at all so they will be quick to change their ways I'm sure). So yeah, big rants but lots of things happening and I'm excited and nervous at the same time. Mainly about work I'd say, does anyone have any experiences similar to my plans?
And yeah, once again hello! Sorry for the massive rant.
Motion.
