I told my mum I was trapped since the age of 4 , but there was lack of information 20 years ago + so she was only trying to protect me by trying to make me fit in with the boys regardless, I won football trophies and marathon races and I was sports captain.
I first came out to my sister at 19 after my mum passed, she was suppose to take me out to dads for a family BBQ so I could explain to everyone. But she instead told them all , and also told them, they all had to accept me and that was the end of it. I have 4 brothers and my dad all accepted it, my 3 sisters come to terms with it as well. They all weren't really shocked, I'm the most feminine guy (don't mistake that for flamboyancy).
First things I did were go to my family doctor who I've known since I was 10 , she smiled and thought nothing of it, gave me a referral to a psychologist, this was a horrible experience and makes you turned off psychologists, she called me the wrong name, which wasn't even my male name, it was some random name. She would mutter things and talk more then me, she would suggest that I needed help to somehow fix the problem away. So I went back to my doctor after 1 appointment and she said she knew someone who wasn't apart of that private hospital.
I went to this psychologist , I walked into her room and sat on the lounge. I was not on hormone therapy, my hair was growing but still short. She said "how did no one else pick on up this, you are a girl to me already, I said umm I have no clue, she was kinda angry that no teacher or anyone picked up on it, and couldn't believe how any psychologist never clued in on it over my life. She said she had dealt with 10 transwoman (my town is about 100k people). She gave me information towards the gender clinic and I had about 5 sessions with her, before she refereed me to a psychiatrist to start me on hormone therapy. That was a 4 month wait, I basically told them if they didn't give me hormones , I'd end up finding information on the internet and do it the non-legal way if i have a complications, that's on their shoulders ( irrational I know but it worked) I got a visit that week.
So I started watching transitions, finding out as much as I could. What clothes fit my gender/identity expression. First time shaving legs, First time getting eyebrows waxed ( I prefer plucking) , First time having boobs. First time having to hide boobs with loose jumpers. First time I've ever had hair down to my hips. Getting voice coaching. First time getting hair lazered off. All these things were manageable with my low income. Some transwoman are confident going full time with these things even less. But I was not ready. So I was going to go to university and get an income and then decide to go full time.
4 of my family passed, I inherited money and now I have everything paid for from my university degree to having my own house to having a nice car , I also now have the money for SRS and FFS. I have won the lotto in monetary terms , but I tell you now, I'd have my old life back to see my family. What has done can not be undone, So I have been through alot with lawyers to funeral arrangements to fighting with gold digging vultures. I am now ready to go full time without the surgeries. I will be getting FFS, SRS , and boobs/buttocks. I will not know myself. I am excited and yet scared , for all the common reasons. I am 100% comfortable in my identity though. I have a boyfriend who is bi, and monogamous and he is 100% in love with me how I am, and is really excited at me going through this. We have been together for last 4-5 years.
I have lost 5 of my family , including both parents. I'm only 24 , the support lady who is helping me deal with my grief has suggested this will help me in a way because I'm looking forward to a new chapter in my life. I am lucky and yet I have had a really rough childhood, raped , identity issues, bullied, being poor as a kid, losing my mum at such a young age. My life now is dealing with my own spirituality, living with my boyfriend and being blessed. Blessed also knowing I was loved by family. I needed to let some of my anxiety onto paper , sorry if this is wrong place to do so.
tldr - Knowing I was different at age of 4 trying to fit into masculinity
- came out to family
- went to a psychologist worst experience , went to another psychologist was amazing
- started transitioning first time for alot of things
- not having any money to ffs and srs, so quit transition and focused on school to get a job
- inheriting money , transitioning full time regardless of no ffs and srs , but have money to do so this year
- feeling cursed and yet blessed at same time
