I'm married, in my upper 20s, with a youngin and another on the way... I've 'come out' to my wife thrice now, and each time I get closer to reaching my final goal of transition, but each time fail to get there. I've been on a waiting list to talk to an endo for a few months, and my chance may be coming soon. At most another month.
But we just took a weeklong vacation/holiday and during that trip, I made up my mind that I'm going for it this time.
You see, I'm stuck, as many of you have been, in this limbo period. The last time I 'came out' to her, we left it as I'm gender queer, and she wants to maintain her marriage to a man, no matter how feminine he is... I no longer see myself as a 'he', but maintain this façade until I start HRT...
Maintaining this guymode is getting harder. People have started telling me to cut my hair, are worried about my general demeanor, and its getting harder to wear my clothes.
At the same time, I want to maintain this as long as I can, because I know heartbreak and pain are at the tail end of this... Yet, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I know patience is a virtue, but.... As the forum title goes, AAARRRGGHH
I feel like Im Wile E. Coyote and I jumped off the cliff... But haven't reached ground yet...
Being stuck is safe, but it's hell. I maintain my marriage, but my sanity is slipping. I have increased trouble focusing on tasks, so I find things to busy myself with. I cleaned things today to take my mind off this dysphoria...
I want to live as my Trans* self, but purgatory is at least safe, for now.
Thankfully, selfharm and substance abuse are far from my mind, but I can see how others get there. I can see that that road, but I don't want to take it. That's part of my urgency. I don't want to get to a place where I need to take that road.
Sorry for the rant, but that's what this forum is for, is it not?
I'll keep you updated, but I'm thinking of going full time within a month... Which sounds scary and exciting at the same time. I'm sure you understand
