Hi everyone!
My name is Sondra Marie, Ondi for short, (well not legally :/ but it makes me happy when I think about being called that) and I'm 23. I'm here, looking for support and friends and the stories I've read here have been so inspirational and helpful in realizing that I'm not alone because sometimes it feels that way. Your thoughts have really put my feelings into perspective so I want to thank you.
If you're interested, here's a little bit about my journey. In the past, the thought always popped into the back of my head, "i wish, so much, that I had been born a girl, but the coin was tossed, and I lost. What can you do?" Life went on. It was not terribly debilitating but it was always there, festering. I wore girl pants all through high school and had long bleached white hair that I wore in a ponytail sometimes and my grandpa always said I looked like a girl to be mean (he would die if he knew it made me happy). When I saw women I felt envious but I kept moving forward, living with my manhood. My feelings were so confusing and I never wanted to accept them. It has continuously progressed into something more real and defining. In the last couple of months, this thing in the back of my mind has turned into a crushing obsession. Am I a woman? Yes, no, I don't know. My mind and body are at odds. How can I be a woman when I'm not? When I look in the mirror I get this surreal feeling like I'm not myself. It's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. If follows me everywhere, taunting me at work while I'm trying to be productive, and it follows me home every day but I've decided to turn around and embrace it which has at least given be some small amount of peace.
I've been talking to a therapist. My mom knows (she's the best and so supportive!
). I will be telling my girlfriend of 5 years next week and I'm soooo terrified of loosing her, Ahhhh! sooo terrified I want to cry. I love her so much and I'm scared, so I need you girls!!! People who have been through it and made it out happier and stronger! And this is why I've joined you here. I'm so anxious and fearful of how she'll react but I've come to accept that this is who I am. She would have found out eventually and I just don't want it to be when we have kids and a house, and our lives are rooted.
On a softer note... If you're still reading, thank you so much!! You're a sweetheart for listening to me rant. If you'd like to know who I am, Ondi, as a person, I love playing the piano and making electronic music and sound design (it's my favorite thing to talk about). I am an electrical engineer and math is my best friend! I love my car, 2015 sti with a cat back and cold air intake WHOOH! it sounds like an angel
! I love going for walks during the BEAUTIFUL New Mexico sunsets. And I love Susan's place because when I'm down, I can always come here and find something inspirational to make me feel better.
Thanks again, sooo much, for listening to me rant! It's exhilarating. ^.^
-Ondi
