Quote from: Violet Bloom on July 18, 2015, 11:44:42 PM
Greetings from Toronto!
Before I figured out I was trans I had issues that I would repress in a cycle where they'd always come back again. I'm sure if you got as far as you did with your transition efforts then you won't be able to repress this successfully in the longer term. It's clear you need to sort out in your mind exactly the reasons you stopped transition and whether or not those are deal-breakers. I know I could not contain my problems forever and once I learned I was trans and made the decision to transition I'd already made peace with myself and knew what I was willing to lose in order to achieve what I needed. In the end I've been very lucky to have lost nothing but a sizable chunk of my wallet.
I'm sorry to hear you had a lot of problems with other people's discomfort. You have to decide how to balance your needs with those of the people you feel you can't afford to hurt. The outcome may not be everything you hope for in terms of family bonds but you're going to have to face it head on and answer the tough questions. Most importantly though, don't rush! The mind takes time to adjust and there's a lot of anxiety that simply takes time to play out. My transition could have been done in half the time if I hadn't needed so much time to become truly relaxed and to make it through the most critical phases of coming out. Had I tried to push myself faster I'd surely have crashed too. It took nearly three years at almost the end of my transition to come out to my siblings!
Just to clarify, transition was important to me but repairing my mental and physical health with HRT was absolutely non-negotiable. I was actually physically ill like a slow, painful poisoning from my natural hormone balance. If you can live comfortably without hormone therapy then you may not have as much drive to transition as I did. Look back at your prior motivations and decide if any of them are truly non-negotiable. My mother will never be completely comfortable with my identity and presentation but she knew she couldn't stand to see me suffering the way I was and has supported me as a result. Some people can't be won-over but others will come around if they can see how much better you feel. It may just take time. No one can now dispute the positive change in me since going full-time, no matter what their opinions on transpeople might be.
Greetings from the wild west. I'd +1 you for your lovely reply, but I don't appear to have the privilege yet.
I try not to think about why I stopped, but it doesn't work very well. Damned denial and it's failure to suppress essential truths!
"Don't rush" really is the key. I have a bad habit of jumping into things with two feet and this was no exception. After years of the cycle you alluded to, I finally came to terms with things and before I had time to really reconcile things, I was out to family, dx'd, and px'd. I didn't think at the time that I was rushing, but I was. I had neither the skills to present, nor the confidence to take the risks necessary to learn. I also pushed things far too fast for my s.o. I got overwhelmed, didn't have the answers to tough family questions, and didn't have the intestinal fortitude to pretend that I did.
Re: your final paragraph, I felt better and more balanced on HRT than I ever had before in my post-adolescent life. In the past year, my T and E levels have both been in the tank and I felt better than I had pre-E, but bad nonethless. I felt flat, like a nothing, a sexless person in hormonal purgatory.
