I'm trapped, scared, and need help.

[Brett]

Story:
I'm a 15 year old boy name Brett. Turning 16   dec, 12
So let me start with how i came to conclusion that i do in fact have gender dysphoria.. I know i do!

So as long as I've remembered I've always loved girl things. When i was little i would hide in the closet and play with my sisters dolls and toys. I would try my hardest to not get caught, and never did. I used to put on my moms bras when she was busy, and i was home alone with her.

Fast forward to age 9. I got my first (console) the xbox. I have a passion for gaming. That's where i go now a days when I'm depressed. So when i was 9 on my first xbox i would close the door and act like a was a girl to boys. I would change my profile to a girly name and my (bio) to girly stuff. I loved it because i felt like a girl, i felt like i was in the right body the right mind until i looked down and in the mirror.

Fast forward to age 11. I start puberty. It ruins me acting like a girl. I get a deeper voice. Arm pits get all hairy. I get a little depressed that i didn't tell anyone at a young age. But it wasn't my fault i thought people would yell at me i was so scared. So anyway i then stopped playing on games. My mommy bought me a laptop. I played games on my laptop that didn't require voice communication. So i acted like i was a girl on that and got hit on by people. I thought to my self "Yes i found another happy place".

Fast forward to age 14-15. I started getting depressed last year (high school freshman 14) I wanted to kill my self. Thought of suicide a lot because i didn't know why i got so sad and emotional all of the time. I didn't pay attention that every night and day i think of girly things. Turned 15 7 months ago. Recently i figured out about transgender things, my reaction, i started crying in tears because i finally stumbled on what can help me feel normal. I want to be female. My brain operates female but im in this gross male body.

Now my problem is coming out.
My father is against gays. He's find with people being gay just not in front of him or on his tv.
My mom things transgender is gross because people shouldn't change what god gave them.
Let me make this clear I'm not gay.

Ok so I've been faking being the "perfect" son to my dad and bro. I wear same shirts as my older brother, and wear pants and boots like my dad. I act like i don't like (lg) people with my dad. I tried so hard being the perfect son to them and be as manly as possible

I have nothing against (LGBTQ) people. I love you all and i wish i was as brave as all of you are.
I'm so scared. I'm sad. I'm lonely cant get along with other guys. Only have 2 real friends.
I want to be friends with girls, have a group of girls to walk with, but I'm stuck in this body.
I'm scared to come out and go to school. I'm scared my parents wont accept me. I'm just scared and i need help badly.

I'm so sorry everyone. Not the best at writing.
I got really emotional and I'm crying while typing this. I always feel like somethings stuck in my throat when i talk about this. This is the first time I've reached out to people.

I'm sorry if i said something offensive. <3 you all and thanks to anyone who have tried to help or read this. <3

EDIT
I left out a lot of situations throughout my life. I'm also scared to do HRT do to blood clots and scary things.
I also sometimes cant sleep because I'm so depressed and sad about "ME"!

Love you ladies! <3 

[katrinaw]

Hi Brett

Welcome to Susan's

Firstly a few little items to read and get you familiar with our site xx

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service and rules to live by	Standard Terms and Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, and signature images policy

Firstly hugs... I went through much of that stuff when I was kid... except games consoles; internet and computers were not around then..  However, I hid and had to, no choice (at the time)... hated who I was and then followed the must be a model male, even though I hated myself, tried cutting off unwanted parts, crying nightly, and even through life I continued crying, praying for some magical change... but alas!

I had the same issues all through my fake life fitting in the male model, much easier fitting in with girls/women, being ostracised by male groups... was awful, but I just got on with life and living, no matter how bad it got.

So what I am saying, you need to be open with your parents or other family members, try and persuade them to take you to therapy sessions. Just tell them how you really feel... Also keep it all together for 2.5 more years then you can go alone. Perhaps get an income stream going... can you talk to a Dr?

Above all, plan your future and work hard towards those goals, but don't give up, because you need to stay positive about life and you're future.

Please look through the forum's and find similar stories to yours and how folks got around the issues...

You are certainly not alone and don't have to be.

L Katy   

[Cindy]

Well young lady.

It is very nice to meet you and you are very welcome here and we do understand what you are going through.

Is there a school counselor that you could talk too?

Unfortunately your parents sound very closed minded, and you may have to wait until you can leave home to follow your wishes.

HRT is not dangerous as long as you are under the supervision of Doctors. I've been on HRT for years with no side effects.

So talk away and meet new friends here who really do understand.

[Brett]

Thank you so very much ladies. Cindy & katrinaw

@katrinaw idk how to talk to my family doc. I wish i knew how without telling my mother.
School doesn't start until August, so i don't think that i can talk to one. And thank you for the info on HRT. @Cindy

I really really just wish at times that i would wake up and see a girl in the mirror looking back at me, you know?
I'm just so scared to what will come.

<3  Thank you!  <3 

[Cindy]

I was the same Hon. My parents couldn't accept me.

I decided to study like crazy so I could get a good job, leave home and be me.

It took a while but the dream kept me going until I became a very happy woman.

You can do this Hon.

You can!

[Brett]

@Cindy
Thanks

My main concern like i said before is coming out to my mom.

Another concern for later down the line is money. Idk if i can do it with the issues my parents are having with money atm. I don't want to wait till I'm 18. I really don't. I don't want my body to keep changing. I want to stop it as quick as possible so i can get all the features I want and who i am. Just scared.

I'll read up on other peoples situations. Thank you so much. You're very beautiful!!!! 

[Mariah]

As others have said being upfront with how your feeling to your mom and somehow being able to explain you need to talk to a professional about it may help you out. You can certainly should try telling her the truth because until you have control of your situation the truth is the only thing that can help set you free until your of age. As far as money, I hear ya. I think that is something we all face and worry about. It gets tight and times and slows down the progress I would like on things which just means I have to balance things out as best as I can. Welcome to Susan's Brett and Look forward to seeing you around the site. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

[Laura_7]

First, have a big *hug* and a kiss (on the cheeks )

You could have a look here for a few resources and thoughts:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,191391.msg1705921.html#msg1705921

Concerning hrt, there are a few ways to reduce clotting... there is transdermal application, oral/sublingual use, there are implants and injections...

its normal you have a lot of thoughts and some restraints.
This is a process, just take it step by step.
Simply concentrate on the next step and keep going. Don't overthink too much, many things will get solved all by themselves.

hugs

[katrinaw]

Thank you so very much ladies. Cindy & katrinaw

@katrinaw idk how to talk to my family doc. I wish i knew how without telling my mother.
School doesn't start until August, so i don't think that i can talk to one. And thank you for the info on HRT. @Cindy

I really really just wish at times that i would wake up and see a girl in the mirror looking back at me, you know?
I'm just so scared to what will come.

<3  Thank you!  <3 

I used to pray nightly and be bitterly disappointed, I even solicited the other one, but again to no avail...
I hated looking in the mirrors because I did not see me.

I do understand the parent bit, but I think Cindy's invaluable advice is sound... I do understand your concerns.

Be a patient and persistent it just may work - so many fingers x'd for you...

Edit: Thanks Laura didn't twig on the HRT risk bit

Katy xx

[Brett]

I came out to my sister ladies.. She says shes confused. But she still loves me and supports me!!     

Easier than I thought

She's happy to know she's going to see her big sister that's been hiding this whole time!!

[Laura_7]

I came out to my sister ladies.. She says shes confused. But she still loves me and supports me!!     

Easier than I thought

She's happy to know she's going to see her big sister that's been hiding this whole time!!

Congratulations

Well done

[katrinaw]

Haa thats beautiful Brett xxx

Katy xx

[Murplethepurple]

One of my suggestions is if you have any really close friends that will keep a secret of you ask them too and they are open-minded and not transphobic you should tell them. That way you will have a backbone support group to help you. Great job telling your sister. The more people you have supporting you the better of you are. If you do want to tell your parents then you will need all the support you can get so when school starts if you have not yet told your parents I would also suggest going to the school counselor. I am the same way although I cry myself to sleep in fantasies. I am preparing to tell my two closest friends and I am going to talk to the school counselor at my school. If you do talk to the counselor you might want to have a meeting with your parents (if you want to tell them) while she is there so that way they do not get violent.

[stephaniec]

good luck to you on your journey.

[Sinessi]

Congratz with your sister!  I plan on confessing to my mom when she gets back from her trip in a couple days (I hope it goes well).

I definitely know what you mean when you talk about having trouble falling asleep.  I've probably only slept for two hours this week due to depression and anxiety. 

I hope everything works out for you.

Cheers.