Transitioned 7 years ago - Parents still using wrong pronouns..

[SofieG]

I transitioned 7 years ago when I was 32. My parents supported me in practical ways, sometimes in financial ways, but they never supported me emotionally. I sort of saw that coming. They don't have it in them. Let's just say that they are very simple people..

In the mean time I had SRS, BA and FFS. My parents even went to Thailand with me when I had my SRS 3 yrs ago. Considering they are in their early sixtees now that was huge. In Thailand though I was told by other patients 'your parents are here, but they're not supporting you..'. They were referring to them using the wrong pronouns and god knows what else they said. I was too busy recovering to be bothered. They were there for me, but they weren't really there for me. Not emotionally. Not once did we have a decent conversation about the surgery. Not once did we have a decent conversation about transitioning. Never.

I'm now about to move to another city together with my bf. Two weeks ago we went to see an appartment. I asked my parents to join us, which was a bad idea to begin with. It was a longg drive. I'm still depressed from spending time with them. It was right then and there that I realised that I really do NOT need these people in my 'new' life and I more or less told them that.. I got really upset after they called me HE for the 5th time that day, which felt extra frustrated being in a 'fresh' environment where noone knows my past. I just HATE being around them. I hate the way they make me feel. They basically make me feel like how I felt before I transtioned. When I'm with them it's like nothing has changed and the whole world around us sees ME and treats me as me, except them.

They'll never stop with referring to me with HE and it just seems extra rediculous now that noone else does that anymore. They correct themselves, but that's rediculous too. As if I am making them. As if it's a play. I understand it's difficult for them, but I just can't take it any longer. I know they're old, but I am tired! I did EVERYTHING to stop this from happening, to not be misgendered, but my own family is still doing it?? When I confront them they say things like 'we don't do it on purpose' and 'we'll never get used to it', so the prospects don't look good. I'm totally done with it. They are still talking about 'getting used to'. I mean, seriously? My RLE was in 2010! I could start blaming them for not picking up on any of the signs that I was in the wrong body since birth, but I don't wanna go that route.

I don't see them (or my sister) a lot because of this, but I'm seriously considering to stop seeing them completely. It feels like a battle that can't be won. A battle that shouldn't even be a battle anymore. I give up. I feel like I lost my parents when I transitioned. My bf and I didn't get that particular appartment so we continue our daily search. We will find one sooner or later. I told him that I don't think I ever want my parents to visit us there. It's far from where they live. He told me that we could visit them every once in a while, if I wanted to. I'm not so sure.

I know I'm supposed to feel lucky that my parents didn't completely reject me, and that I'm lucky to have parents who are alive, but this isn't exactly working out either. Maybe I was expecting too much. It's like what my gender therapist told me years ago: it's you who'll change not they. The only way this will ever work out is if I would be okay with them seeing me and referring to me as a he. It's not going to happen. I have burried him. Why didn't they?

Did this happen to anyone else? Sorry for ranting..

[Devlyn]

Big hug! Remember, you're not transitioning for them. But also remember they don't want to bury him. You said you were depressed spending time with them, that's for you to fix. Show them you're happier as you.

Hugs, Devlyn

[sparrow]

Correcting pronouns is hard work.  It takes practice.  They need to practice on their own, even when they're not talking to you.  They need to make a deliberate effort to inject pronouns into their sentences, and think carefully every time that they do.  They need to practice this in their heads, and out loud.  If you can communicate this to them, and they care enough to put that small amount of effort in, then they might be worth keeping.

[KimSails]

Wow.  That seems like a tough spot.  Horribly frustrating.  Before I opened the posting, having just seen the subject line, I was thinking that you should just mis-gender them right back.  It doesn't sound like that would be helpful here.

I guess I wouldn't write them off and *never* see them again.  Instead, maybe just see them very little and in times/places of your choosing.  Also in situations where you can leave if need be for your own mental health -- No long car rides together!  Go see them at their place, not yours. With your car available so you can leave when you want to.

Or maybe (depending upon how you think it would go over) treat them like they are hard-of-hearing, or getting forgetful whenever they mis-gender you.  Maybe this would be a little softer than you mis-gendering them.
"Daddy? Do you remember you I am?  Your daughter, Sue? Remember?  This is Mom, and I'm Sue. Remember? Can I get you a nice cup of cocoa?"

[Riley Skye]

I feel the exact same, hell my mom told me to shut up when I was crying the month after surgery

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[Zoetrope]

It sounds like they have made decisions about what they think and feel, and it isn't just a matter of coming around.

My parents make an effort to call me a she to my face, but off camera they still use my old name, and call me a he.

Your therapist was right. You can't be responsible for how your parents feel. Know who you are and stay on that course, and allow them to have theirs.

[Eva Marie]

I agree with Kim - your parents clearly don't want to and never will change so it's up to you to decide how you want to handle it. Since they haven't flat out rejected/disowned you I'd not cut them off; I'd only visit with them on MY terms, and only for as long as I could stand getting misgendered. That would mean no going out in public or taking them anywhere, and always having an escape route planned and ready. When it gets to be too much - walk out.

[SofieG]

Big hug! Remember, you're not transitioning for them. But also remember they don't want to bury him. You said you were depressed spending time with them, that's for you to fix. Show them you're happier as you.

Hugs, Devlyn

Ty Devlyn I am happier as me, but they don't see me, so they'll never know..

[Devlyn]

Big hug! Remember, you're not transitioning for them. But also remember they don't want to bury him. You said you were depressed spending time with them, that's for you to fix. Show them you're happier as you.

Hugs, Devlyn

Ty Devlyn I am happier as me, but they don't see me, so they'll never know..

I've found happy people grow on you! 

Hugs, Devlyn

[SofieG]

Correcting pronouns is hard work.  It takes practice.  They need to practice on their own, even when they're not talking to you.  They need to make a deliberate effort to inject pronouns into their sentences, and think carefully every time that they do.  They need to practice this in their heads, and out loud.  If you can communicate this to them, and they care enough to put that small amount of effort in, then they might be worth keeping.

Correcting pronouns WAS hard work. I really shouldn't be correcting anyone anymore and I'm not. If 7 years wasn't long enough for them to get used to things, then it's not going to happen anymore. Their time to practise is UP. Play time is over. This is for real. I am for real. I don't need anyone to make me feel the way they do.

There was a reason why I have been correcting them for years and the reason is that I am not going to accept the HE's forever. That time has come. I'm not accepting it anymore. I'm just not. I have a freakin' vagina, am never misgendered by anyone, so it's all happening in THEIR head. I did all I could. Game over.

[SofieG]

Wow.  That seems like a tough spot.  Horribly frustrating.  Before I opened the posting, having just seen the subject line, I was thinking that you should just mis-gender them right back.  It doesn't sound like that would be helpful here.

I guess I wouldn't write them off and *never* see them again.  Instead, maybe just see them very little and in times/places of your choosing.  Also in situations where you can leave if need be for your own mental health -- No long car rides together!  Go see them at their place, not yours. With your car available so you can leave when you want to.

Or maybe (depending upon how you think it would go over) treat them like they are hard-of-hearing, or getting forgetful whenever they mis-gender you.  Maybe this would be a little softer than you mis-gendering them.
"Daddy? Do you remember you I am?  Your daughter, Sue? Remember?  This is Mom, and I'm Sue. Remember? Can I get you a nice cup of cocoa?"

You're right. Mis-gendering wouldn't be helpful anymore. Correcting them, mis-gendering them and treating them like they are hard-of-hearing or getting forgetful are all things I shouldn't have to do anymore. I think I have been patient enough.

Seeing them very little and in times and places of my choosing was what I was considering too. As I don't want them in my 'new' life I would have to go see them at their place. That way I can leave when I want to like you said.

One problem with that. Two actually. Maybe three, LOL. They live in the place where I grew up and I totally hate it there. I rarely go there. Moved away there the day I turned 18. I could deal with going there once or twice a year, but I also could run into other family members there or worse: at my parents' house. I didn't see anyone besides my parents and sister for 7 or 8 years. Now to see them now would be extremely awkward and probable upsetting. I hate most of them for how they responded after my coming out and I would be totally fine with never seeing any of them ever again. Even thinking about them makes me a little sick. My parents more or less kept me away from the rest of the family after my coming out. Don't let anyone see the freak.. Lately they have been practically begging me for pictures of me and I just know they want to show the family what I look like now. God, I hate that. Don't they get how wrong that is?

Anyway, I think I'll need to give it some more thought. Thank you for your input x 

[SofieG]

It sounds like they have made decisions about what they think and feel, and it isn't just a matter of coming around.

My parents make an effort to call me a she to my face, but off camera they still use my old name, and call me a he.

Your therapist was right. You can't be responsible for how your parents feel. Know who you are and stay on that course, and allow them to have theirs.

Exactly..

I'm 100% sure that my parents use my old name and he off camere all the time. No wonder they can't get used to she..

[SofieG]

I agree with Kim - your parents clearly don't want to and never will change so it's up to you to decide how you want to handle it. Since they haven't flat out rejected/disowned you I'd not cut them off; I'd only visit with them on MY terms, and only for as long as I could stand getting misgendered. That would mean no going out in public or taking them anywhere, and always having an escape route planned and ready. When it gets to be too much - walk out.

You know, sometimes I think it would have been better if they would have flat out rejected me years ago. It wouldn't have been easy, but maybe in a way it would have been easier for everyone. The way I see it is that they didn't reject him, but they do reject her. He's gone, so now they are talking to a ghost. That's why I really don't see the point in seeing them more than a couple of times a year. I'll be very busy once I moved, so wouldn't even have the time for seeing them more often.

I didn't go out in public with them for 2 or 3 years. I can't relax when I'm with them. The things they say are just too emberassing and frustrating. I remember being at a clinic with my mum about 3 yrs ago. It wasn't a gender clinic, but my mum was talking about me transitioning etc. to the receptionist (!!) as well as a nurse who I'd never seen before. I was sooo freakin' emberassed. And so were they! My mum knows I never have been and never will be open about transitioning to the first person that comes along, but when my mum sees a chance to play victim she grabs it. Just to get pity from people. If you tell my mum that you didn't sleep well last night then she didn't sleep at all. She always needs to be worse off than anyone else and she lies to make it happen. Me tranistioning must have been the best chance she ever had for longterm pity-seeking.

The day we went to see the appartment we needed to get some dinner before we drove back. I told my bf please let's just go to McDonalds or anywhere where we won't be served.. Been there and done that.. So we went to some fastfood restaurant and my bf and I got the food.. It's madness..

[SofieG]

Haven't seen my parents in 5 weeks. My mum texted me once two weeks ago and I responded briefly. I think we all know that it isn't working out.