Afraid to Dress Femme, but want to

[SimplyThea]

Currently I am very early on in my transition and it is slow going because of the fact that I don't have much money and many times my extra cash after bills and such has to go toward other things for college or to prep for my eventual career. However, since coming out I have gotten much more in touch with my true self because I have accepted parts of myself that I suppressed for years. The issue I'm having is I'm also experiencing a lot of depression centered around the fact that I still look like a man and therefore can't dress and sometimes act the way I would like in public. I wear women's clothes almost exclusively in my apartment since my roommate and friends know I'm trans and accept me, but I always changed before going out in public which hurts my self-esteem. My friends all tell how much more confident I am when I'm dressed in the clothes I'm comfortable in, but I'm afraid that if I were to go out dressed that way while still having many masculine features that I will not only be verbally insulted but possibly even physically harmed or harassed since I live in a rather rural and conservative area. I'm just getting tired of being Thea at home and around friends but having to put on the mask of being Zane in public because I know Thea is undoubtedly who I really am and I hate hiding. I plan to get to a therapist as soon as I can to discuss my depression and such, but once again that is something that costs money which I don't have. And my friends can only understand what I'm going through to a certain extent and I know it frustrates them when they don't know what advice to give me or how to make me feel better. I'm very tempted to just say I'm not going to worry about what people think or say and just go out in public dressed as I want. I have gone out with my nails painted and some women's jewelry on before and I felt much more confident and didn't get many negative reactions, but that is far from being dressed fully as a woman. I don't really have a question for y'all, but I just wanted to put these thoughts out there.

[Greeneyes]

I know exactly how you feel. I'm in the same boat. Rural area and worried about verbal and, more importantly, physical abuse. I'm feeling much the same way. It's so difficult to go to work, or go out somewhere and have to hide myself as male. Sometimes it's all too much. I stay confident that hormones will do their magic over time though.

[Devlyn]

It comes down to not caring what anyone thinks. You do have to balance that with safety of course. I underdressed 24/7 before I started presenting as female in public. You might find it helpful.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Serenation]

Just keep adding as many female clothes and accessories as you are comfortable with.

[Kylie Wilson]

I've quite literally only just come out to my close friends and family, I do admit when I think about going out dressed as a woman I do fell some trepidation about it, but then I just remember, its not about what other people think, let them have their opinions, everyone has them, they may voice them, but just try to block them out, I bet the first time will be the hardest, but after that it'll get easier and easier, go out with your friends to begin with, that way if someone does start to verbally or physically abuse you they can be their to step in and provide you both emotional and physical protection, if thats a worry, sorry for the wall of text and hope you get more confident soon 🙂 Just be yourself, haters are going to hate, its much easier to hate than to love! HUGS

[Rachel]

Is there a trans group you can go to?

Start out slow and just push yourself a little each time.

There are a lot of trans where I go and a petty safe area. We often walk in numbers and talk about lots of stuff. I find myself ignoring everything but the people I am with. 

[SimplyThea]

Is there a trans group you can go to?

Unfortunately, there isn't one near where I live as far as I know and I have looked. I can't really travel all that far to one either because I don't have a car or driver's license for that matter. I have tried to get a license, but I experience major anxiety and even have panic attacks sometimes when I drive so getting a license is extremely difficult. The University I attend does have an LGBT organization, but it isn't specifically geared towards trans people and it is more about activism and such than a support group. I think the biggest thing for me right now is finding confidence to just be who I am. I can't even go buy make-up or anything without one of my girlfriends coming with me because I'm afraid of what people may say. The hardest thing for me seems to be trying to cope with the feelings of depression until I gain that confidence that I need. It just doesn't help that my family doesn't seem to take how I'm feeling seriously which just makes me feel like my feelings don't matter.

[Avery]

Unfortunately, there isn't one near where I live as far as I know and I have looked. I can't really travel all that far to one either because I don't have a car or driver's license for that matter. I have tried to get a license, but I experience major anxiety and even have panic attacks sometimes when I drive so getting a license is extremely difficult. The University I attend does have an LGBT organization, but it isn't specifically geared towards trans people and it is more about activism and such than a support group. I think the biggest thing for me right now is finding confidence to just be who I am. I can't even go buy make-up or anything without one of my girlfriends coming with me because I'm afraid of what people may say. The hardest thing for me seems to be trying to cope with the feelings of depression until I gain that confidence that I need. It just doesn't help that my family doesn't seem to take how I'm feeling seriously which just makes me feel like my feelings don't matter.

This is the trouble I have with my college. It's a queer support group, which is great and I'm glad that they have it, but I don't have a support system for trans people in real life right now. I really want to present in a more femme way but I'm really scared to go shopping for clothing and accessories, even with someone else.

Something I literally just did was style my hair and take pictures with it done. A week or so ago a friend of mine commented about how my hair, which is medium length looks like his wife's hair if I flop it in the right way, so I tried to do it like hers. I borrowed some of my sister's hair bands and a couple barrettes. I usually hate looking at pictures of myself, but I shared this one with a few of my friends that know because I feel good about how feminine my hair looks. The other thing that I did was buy a bunch of pink/purple/baby blue colored t-shirts that are a little too tight. I don't really feel confident enough to wear my hair like that in public, but the t-shirts is something that I can do that affirms how I'm feeling a bit when I have to act like a man.

[iKate]

First of all, a big hug for you.

Secondly, shopping is really no big deal. Worse come to worse people think you're buying for a wife, girlfriend or other relative. I mean, I can't tell you how many times I've gone shopping in full male mode in department stores and other places, even Target and Wal-Mart. Nobody cares!!!  You might find an occasional twit but most people don't really bother you. Goodwill is a cheap source for clothing. I also routinely scout the clearance rack at Kohl's and Macy's.

As for going out in public, take baby steps to build your confidence. Try a few accessories and ramping it up. See how you can get yourself to look more femme, whether it's hair removal, painting your nails, growing your hair, etc. You would be surprised.

Also, your local PFLAG chapter, if there is one near you, may have support group meetings. That can help.

[pinkkkk]

Well hey there,

Well, I know where you are coming from with the anxiety about the thought of dressing in public as a woman.
An idea would be to just pick a night that you and a friend(s) could drive to just go boutique shopping (individual store): going to the nail salon; small bookstore dressed up as a woman. After, you both could just go back home and dress the way you dress as usual. You don't have to spend any money- just browse, the whole point is to get your feet wet in getting your female self out there.

Usually, those environments would be quite receptive for you and give you a positive experience that you can start building confidence which is what you need. Just write down and pick where you would be willing to start dressing as a woman. Don't worry about dressing up perfectly as a woman- you will get better at this the more you do it.

[SimplyThea]

Thanks for the advice and encouragement everyone! I truly don't feel like myself when I'm not wearing my femme clothing or at the very least a few of my accessories. Part of me feels silly that I let something like the way I dress be so important to me as it is, but I know deep down that's just the kind of girl I am. I love clothes and shoes and purses and jewelry and all of it and any excuse I can get to go shopping I'll take. I've talked to some of my girlfriends and we're planning a big shopping trip in a few months so we all have time to save up some money, and I don't know that I'll feel comfortable dressing fully as a woman by then but at the very least I plan to go with my nails painted and wearing a few of my favorite pieces of jewelry. I'm also planning a trip with the same group to go to an LGBT friendly bar that we know of in a nearby city at some point during the school year, since we're all at least 21, and I'm hoping to go fully dressed as a woman since I know that will be a safe environment.