My child

[mellew123]

Do I keep the discussion open? I bought him some feminine stuff and told him to use it If he wanted to.  NOthing has been touched, i can tell. Ive been so open, but he wont talk with me about his feelings at all. He does talk to a therapist. I want to help so much. How did I not realize this is how he felt all his life? I have always given him options of toys, clothes, etc and it was always male type choices made. Im just confused because I always read that transgender children usually express their confusion with gender at an early age. Any advise is appreciated.

[Dena]

I find when young children come to this web site, they will talk to me, a total stranger and not their parents. This is because they have a strong emotional attachments to their parents where as I am a stranger they can talk freely to without risk. The therapist is currently filling the role I would. At some point, your child will get his issues resolved to the point where he can talk to you without the fear we all have or had with our parents.
For now let the therapist do the work and ask the therapist what you can do to help.

As for not knowing how how your child felt, I hid my feeling from my parents between age 13 and 23. We are pretty rare at about 1 in 600 births and there isn't any reason to have parents know all about us when the odds are they may never know or meet one of us in their life. Some people do know something is wrong at age 3 or 4 and while I didn't exactly live a normal childhood when I was young, I didn't figure it out until age 13. A few discover what they are much latter in life.

I had a pretty normal male upbringing but I was the nerd type. I wasn't interested in sports or normal male play but thanks to my dad, I learned to work with my hands doing wood work, electronics, science, photography, auto repair and general repairs of most anything I could get my hands on. In college, I picked up my profession of computer programming. Much of this time I was struggling with my identity. These activities helped keep my brain busy so I didn't spend all my time thinking about my problems.

We have something called the sexual spectrum. That means there are two extremes where normal people are on one end and transexuals like me are on the other end. Exactly where your child is in the spectrum is unclear at the moment. That is one of the things the therapist is helping your child explore.

You are being a very good parent because you have your child in therapy, and you want to help however you can. You also took the extra step to come here in order to learn more. Not all parents do this but you are doing all you can at the moment. Your time to help will come latter.

If I can help you, post your questions to this thread and I will respond when I see your post. Also feel free to ask me any personal questions you might have. I am comfortable with my past and welcome questions about it.

[Ms Grace]

Hey Mellew

Welcome to Susan's    Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

Dana is certainly right about young people sometimes not feeling that they can confide in their parents. I'm not sure what more you can do except let them know that if they want to talk you are happy to listen, that you won't try to "solve" or "fix" it for them (unless they ask), sometimes kids want to talk without someone then taking charge of the situation (why they'll often talk to friends about everything and anything, but not their parents). It might be your child isn't ready to talk, or they might not be transgender, many kids go through a confused stage about themselves and their gender identity to some degree or another. Don't push for responses, just leave the door open for communication and you might find they open up to you. If they say they feel a particular way, ask them what they would like to do about that. Communication with kids is never easy, you just have to give them some room, let them know you love them and are supportive and hopefully they will open up.

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Cheers

Grace

[Laura_7]

Well often transgender people are sensitive... picking up unconscious expectations... and things they might feel others expect from them, even if it is not what other people mean...

so they might need some time to get a bit of a clearer picture of themselves, before they communicate with people very close to them...
some people talk on the internet with other transgender people because they hope for some clues what they have in common...

just remember its a process, but its very good you are supportive. This gives them the opportunity to find out what they need, and emotional support is important for further development.

As the others have stated, being open and generally supportive is a good idea... you might at some point maybe talk to their therapist...

well not all people have known from a very young age... some kind of have welled it up, until it comes to the open...
people are individuals, with individual reactions...

here is a link to a further resource:
gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf
(on page 7 they talk about stress... many experience relief instead)

It states that being trans has biological connections, to do with development before birth which influences the sense of self.
So its not a light hearted decision but how they feel, and there are many feeling this way. Its nobodys fault, neither theirs nor that of their upbringing.
It explains some of the feelings transgender people have.

And, well, its people like others... with cravings and needs like everybody else...
I personally also like the twin explanation... people will be basically like their male/female twin, with still the same sense of humour etc...


*hugs*