Finally accepting myself as transgender!

[Jayne01]

Hi everyone!

After nearly 43 years, I think I can finally accept myself for who I am. I have just started seeing a therapist and was introduced to the term "Gender Dysphoria". I had previously seen Gender Dysphoria talked about on forums, but didn't really know what it meant. Well, it turns out that I have it! I was a little freaked out at first. I started playing out all these scenarios in my mind where I became a woman, lost my wife, family, job. I was a mental wreck!

I can now accept that its OK to just be who I am. I still don't really know where I fit on the spectrum between male and female. I tend to think just on the female side of half way. Maybe a little more past half way towards female. Anyway, whatever it is, so be it. I am feeling so much happier by simply just accepting myself, rather than trying to suppress this part of me.

I have a few things that;  could use some advice with.

In my last therapy session, my therapist told me that I should find some way to express my feminine side, even if it just means dressing in private for half an hour a day. I have never really fully dressed in female clothing, but I would like to. I have no idea where to begin though. I don't want to make myself look like I belong in some kind of circus.

I have come out to my wife. She is amazing. She is accepting, but is having trouble understanding why I would want to be a girl. We are taking it slowly. I know she needs time to learn what is going on in my head as well as deal with what this news means to her. I don't know if living full time as a woman is the right answer for me. I'm not a 'girly, girl if that makes sense. And I still like a lot of the 'male' parts of my life. I just feel like I would be a more complete person if I had a woman's body, even though I enjoy 'male' activities.

Is there some way to find a happy medium? I mean can you you sort of live partly as a woman and partly as a man? I shaved my legs about 6 weeks ago. (I have more than my fair share of body hair, so this was big step for me). I enjoyed the look and feel because it kind of made me feel a bit more feminine. I haven't shaved for over a week now and the hair is growing back noticeably. I'm finding it a little repulsive now. How can that be? I have had hairy legs since my teens, and it never really bothered me one way or another, but now it just seems plain wrong in my mind! I think maybe now that I am starting to accept my feminine side, I don't want to suppress it anymore. It is part of who I am, and accepting it makes me feel like a better person.

Sorry if my writing seems a bit grand m and disjointed. I tend to write things down as they come to me.

I'm interested to know if anybody else has similar thoughts and feelings, or any other comments or advice you may have. I have accepted myself for who I am, but I still need to learn what to do about it.

Jayne

[Marlee]

Jayne,
you can take it as slow or a fast as you feel comfortable with. And a happy medium is fine if you are comfortable with that too. I would suggest you talk with your wife and see what she says about where to begin. But it can be small things...earrings, get yourself a nice cami.. or perhaps even get your nails done with your wife (you don't even have to get them painted if you don't want. I've dome that many times since it is a nice small way of getting pampered and feeling feminine.

[goblin boy]

you can absolutely be both a man and a woman! there is a middle ground. you should look up the term genderfluid and see if you feel like thats what gender you might be because it sounds like that could be a possibility. or maybe you're just getting used to expressing your feminine side! when i started dressing as a male i still felt like dressing fem some days but now i always present masc!

[Tessa James]

Hi everyone!
I have accepted myself for who I am, but I still need to learn what to do about it.

Jayne

Welcome aboard Jayne and congratulations for the milestone of self acceptance.  That is a huge step!  That you have also secured the support of your wife after coming out says a lot about your love for each other.  Finding your place on the spectrum is a lot about reclaiming your basic and most intrinsic identity.  For many of us previous repression and denial of ourselves means we have to some exploration to do.  Shaving your legs and then finding yourself more comfortable that way sounds very familiar.

Yes, while there is no real formula there are many trans people who are comfortable with some happy medium.  Perhaps you and your wife could entertain the idea of shopping for clothes that you find interested in trying out.  You need not have all the answers to try on a few ideas.  Some people start with longer hair, nails and pierced ears or some small steps.  No rush, just be true to you!

[Jasper93]

Hi everyone!

After nearly 43 years, I think I can finally accept myself for who I am. I have just started seeing a therapist and was introduced to the term "Gender Dysphoria". I had previously seen Gender Dysphoria talked about on forums, but didn't really know what it meant. Well, it turns out that I have it! I was a little freaked out at first. I started playing out all these scenarios in my mind where I became a woman, lost my wife, family, job. I was a mental wreck!

I can now accept that its OK to just be who I am. I still don't really know where I fit on the spectrum between male and female. I tend to think just on the female side of half way. Maybe a little more past half way towards female. Anyway, whatever it is, so be it. I am feeling so much happier by simply just accepting myself, rather than trying to suppress this part of me.

I have a few things that;  could use some advice with.

In my last therapy session, my therapist told me that I should find some way to express my feminine side, even if it just means dressing in private for half an hour a day. I have never really fully dressed in female clothing, but I would like to. I have no idea where to begin though. I don't want to make myself look like I belong in some kind of circus.

I have come out to my wife. She is amazing. She is accepting, but is having trouble understanding why I would want to be a girl. We are taking it slowly. I know she needs time to learn what is going on in my head as well as deal with what this news means to her. I don't know if living full time as a woman is the right answer for me. I'm not a 'girly, girl if that makes sense. And I still like a lot of the 'male' parts of my life. I just feel like I would be a more complete person if I had a woman's body, even though I enjoy 'male' activities.

Is there some way to find a happy medium? I mean can you you sort of live partly as a woman and partly as a man? I shaved my legs about 6 weeks ago. (I have more than my fair share of body hair, so this was big step for me). I enjoyed the look and feel because it kind of made me feel a bit more feminine. I haven't shaved for over a week now and the hair is growing back noticeably. I'm finding it a little repulsive now. How can that be? I have had hairy legs since my teens, and it never really bothered me one way or another, but now it just seems plain wrong in my mind! I think maybe now that I am starting to accept my feminine side, I don't want to suppress it anymore. It is part of who I am, and accepting it makes me feel like a better person.

Sorry if my writing seems a bit grand m and disjointed. I tend to write things down as they come to me.

I'm interested to know if anybody else has similar thoughts and feelings, or any other comments or advice you may have. I have accepted myself for who I am, but I still need to learn what to do about it.

Jayne

Everything you've come to terms with and taken action against reveals that you're a very strong person; that's a lot to achieve in such a short time upon coming to terms with one's gender dysphoria, in my opinion. So, congratulations.

I do have similar experiences, btw -- even though there are probably generational differences between us. It took me 20 years to acknowledge that suppressing my true nature us detrimental to my persona. The biggest risk in the world was choosing to fight it, putting my foot down, and becoming who I really am. It was very hard, and the repercussions still haunt me. I've lost all of my family, and also many friends. The list goes on at what I've lost, but I get to look in the mirror with poise at the individual I've actualized. I do not regret it. I feel that you won't either.

Good luck and welcome!!

Ally

[Jayne01]

Thank you all for your replies. For me, accepting myself and making a conscious decision to not try and suppress my dysphoria anymore was a big step. That alone has made my mind feel so much more at peace. It's like I've removed the lid from the bottle where I was keeping everything locked up. Kind of when you open a soft drink bottle and all the pressure escapes.

I am trying to resist the urge to just go all out full girly. I don't think that is who I am. But after all these feelings being bottled up for so long, it is like a swinging pendulum that overshoots the mark before settling on its middle ground.

The future kind of seems exciting now, but also a little scary.

I don't think I could do any of this without the support of websites such as this one, knowing I am not alone. Thank you all for sharing your own stories. It is very helpful to people such as myself who are just starting to come to terms with who we are.

Jayne

[Elli.P]

Hi Jayne. You and I are almost in the same place as far as discovering who we are. I'm 46 and just had my first therapy appointment yesterday. I am a crossdresser. I have always liked wearing girls clothes. My wife has known from the start, but I have only recently started dressing on a regular basis. I also told my kids 13 & 11 boys. After I told them, like you said the pendulum swung way over and I started dressing all the time at home. This didn't go over well with my wife. So starting slowly is a very good idea.

What I have done for years is wear panties. Find some that are girlie but hold your man parts well. For years I have wear panties under my men clothes. Also, getting your nails done with you wife is a great idea. It's alittle nerve racking at first cause you think you shouldn't be there.  But I have found that a lot of guys go with there wives,  so don't be nervous. Then when you get home paint your toes this is also no one will see cause of shoes (my wife loves painting my nails). And lastly get some nightgowns to wear in the evenings and weekends when your laying around the house.

So, good luck. Keep us updated. You not alone there are lots of men that are or have walked the same road you are on. You have any questions just let me know, it always helps to have someone to talk to.

Rachel

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[Mariah]

Hi Rachel, welcome to Susan's I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs

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Jayne, I'm glad your wife is accepting. Truth be told as much as they have a hard to time wrapping there head around it we tend to take years to wrap our own heads around it. It's good your in therapy already. As others have said move at your speed and where ever that takes. My relative who has transitioned is MtF, but dresses andro.

Rachel, it's true your right that many guys go in with the wives. I remember one time I husband was getting his nails done too. They were just cleaning them up and I believe putting clear polish on the toes, but still it does happen. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

[katrinaw]

Warm welcome to Susan's Rachel

Nice supporting response to Jayne, thanks... and congrats on your first Therapy session.

Can only agree with you and Mariah, I do see lots of males with their wives at nail parlours.

I look forward to seeing you about the forum's

L Katy 

[katrinaw]

Hi Jayne (attempt 2, first was lost in a bigpond hiccough!)
Heading back to your opening post... Accepting your self is a massive step forward, as is talking about it with a third party and even more so with your loved one, your wife! Personally I am all but ready to open up to my wife after... well that's leave that for now!

Dysphoria is of many things, from 5 to about 14 all I ever wanted to do was chop my parts off... hated them so much, these days, as in currently, HRT has eased a lot of my anxieties, except the body hair one... HRT has been kind as its taken away all my very heavily hairy body... great, arms and legs its reduced and on the arm the hair is now very light, but I still Epilate my arms and legs, bi weekly, hated the leg shaving, prickly grow back and sever irritation on my leg backs... that's why I went to epilation. As have not started electro on my face yet (long story), I shave closely every day, but the facial hair has become less course, and therefore I survive the day... well time early evening.

As far as Cross dressing goes, I have done that all my life, 1) it really did help in reducing my anxiety, but 2) it drove me more towards transitioning... I also went through many cycles of "don't be crazy and stupid" and stopped and purged, only to start all over again within a month or so...

I always knew from 4 I wanted to be a girl... but because of reactions, lack of knowledge and trying to conform I got all tied up in marriage and family, in my mid forties I realised I was not alone... wow what a moment, all those years of anxiety, pain and emotional conflict was not just me... but life has become to entwined across others.... but that's about to change with one last tick.
So why say this?
You have already support in your wife, you have come out to your therapist, between you and your wife and therapist you can all take that journey to find yourself and where you want to go... its a great place to be starting from. In hindsight I wish I'd have... but then again?

I truly believe you will find your true self and be happy with where you will be, as you have probably already seen here, the spectrum is large, as is the needs and drivers of folks in how they move forward and to what level.

Katy xx

[awilliams1701]

I know a lot about what you are going through. I suspect many of us do. I didn't want to be "a circus freak" either. When I first started out, I did a lot of little minor changes. I shaved my face. I had a goatee for over a decade. I shaved my arms and legs. I picked a time, around 8:00, where I could experience girl time. I would put on skirts and eventually dresses. This was in the privacy of my own house. I had no one but my dog to judge me. At first it was enough. Eventually I felt trapped and suppressed. I had never given my feminine side that much freedom before and she hated going back in the closet at the end of it.

One day I accidentally left open a window during girl mode time. I was about to close it, but I said screw it I don't care only a couple of people at best would see me anyway. That was a powerful moment. The next day I wore a jeans skirt in public. The idea was that if half the people mistook it for shorts, I would be ok. Eventually I got outed by a bratty teenager. I decided I wasn't going to let him dictate my outing to the neighborhood. So I made it public on facebook in the neighborhood page. I was shocked by all the support I received. I feel like I have more friends in my neighborhood than I did before.

That was just over a year ago. Now I'm out full time, taking HRT for almost 8 months. I'm out at work to pretty much the same response almost a year ago. I'm so much happier today than a year ago. Everyone seems to have noticed as well.

[Jayne01]

I thought about cross dressing to tame some of my dysphoria. I don't know if that would be the answer for me. If I was born with a girl's body, I'm sure I would have ended up being a tomboy. I like all the guy type of activities. If I started cross dressing all girly, to me it would feel like I was just pretending to be a girl. If that makes any sense. To put it simply, I am a girl trapped in a guys body and I like to do 'guy' things!  Is that putting it simply?! 

My wife doesn't paint her nails. I don't think she has ever even been into a nail salon. I don't think she even owns a pair of high heels. Yet I have a pair! Go figure!

I'm hoping I can find the right way to express the real me in a way that fits my personality. I don't really fit in my current boy world, but I'm also not a 'girly' girl. At least I have come to accept that there is more to me than what the world can see on the outside. That alone was a big step for me.

Jayne

[Jill F]

Hi Jayne,

Your OP sounds pretty much exactly like me at age 43.  Eerie...

Never dressed female until I was 43, still watch sports.

I recommend baby steps when it comes to transition, and never take the next one until you are absolutely sure it needs to be taken.  There are as many ways to be transgender as there are transgender people, and what works for one of us, works for one of us.  For some of us, dressing is sufficient, and for others it's hormones and possibly surgeries.  It's all about finding happiness and comfort in you own skin.

Hugs,
Jill

[Elli.P]

Interesting when you describe your wife. She doesn't sound very girlie girl. Neither is my wife. My wife is a tomboy. We have a great marriage and get along very well. A lot of times I feel more girlie than I see her, if that makes sense. I wonder if this is the case for many of us that have successful marriages? Would you say your wife is a tomboy?

And btw,  even if she doesn't go to get her nails done she would enjoy  getting pampered.  You guys should give it a try. If nothing else it will be a good bonding moment.

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[Jayne01]

Rachel, I wouldn't say my wife is a tomboy. But she is not super girlie either. I've never thought of her in those terms. She is just the way she is, which to me is perfect!

I could probably call myself a tomboy. 

Maybe someday we could both do something crazy and go get ourselves a makeover and have a night on the town. 

[JoanneB]

For decades I "Got Buy" by wearing panties and the monthly or so escape from maleness by fully presenting as female around the house. It took a few years for my wife to stay home those days. Which also created issues for her, seeing Joanne for days or more whenever looking at me. A bit of a buzz kill in the romance department

[sparrow]

Hey Jayne!

I'm pretty similar.  I've seen a few others like us around, and it makes me wonder if late transitioning mtf tend to be tomboys -- we survive longer in our bodies 'cause it lets us do boy stuff.  But when I just started to discover this in myself... yeah... that frilly pink outfit I put together... that's not me.  I went way overboard on the girly stuff, and it felt weird to me, freaked my wife out, etc.  Again, this is probably pretty normal -- we have no idea what's going on, and the femme "explodes" out.

After a difficult period of genderfluidity, I now identify as a tomboy.  Paradoxically, that means that I put effort into looking girlier.  Until my body is a more accurate reflection of my internal image, that'll remain true.  I've tried to put makeup on, but that crap sucks, so it's a special occasions only thing (though, I should learn to get good enough to feel good about how I look on those occasions).  Painted nails are fun, but I can't be bothered to keep 'em nice.  Also, I do get injured an awful lot -- this week, I'm shaving around a 6 inch long gash in my shin.  So cute! 

Now, my wife is loads happier.  She doesn't want to "wear the pants," she wants me to be the more macho one.  That isn't a problem for me anymore.  She's happy to have a shopping partner, 'cause she hates shopping and I give useful feedback (this has always been the case, but now she believes me when I say that I don't mind).    She feels more free to be as girly as she wants to be -- she used to think that I was judgemental about beauty stuff, but now she's convinced that she doesn't need to fear that judgement.  Also, I'm not a puddle of depression, anxiety and dysphoria all the time, so I'm more tolerable to hang around.

[Tessa James]

Hey Jayne!

I'm pretty similar.  I've seen a few others like us around, and it makes me wonder if late transitioning mtf tend to be tomboys -- we survive longer in our bodies 'cause it lets us do boy stuff.  But when I just started to discover this in myself... yeah... that frilly pink outfit I put together... that's not me.  I went way overboard on the girly stuff, and it felt weird to me, freaked my wife out, etc.  Again, this is probably pretty normal -- we have no idea what's going on, and the femme "explodes" out.

Sorry if this is a bit of hijacking the thread but, Sparrow's post is so spot on!  I was another one of those that found myself acting like a teenage girl and going a bit overboard with my early transition.  I only wore skirts and dresses for the first 8 months.  I wish there was a better term but yes, TOMBOY is a great descriptor for much of my life, the people I have been attracted too and how i act.  I was going to throw all my boy clothes away but now I have found a more comfortable balance and recognize the stereotypical masculine and feminine behavior need not define us.  Clothes DO NOT make the man or the woman