This is Never Going Away!

[Mado G]

I'm really struggling right now to figure out a way to explain to my S.O. that this is never going away.

I'm looking for resources or wording suggestions. I want to be firm, but compassionate. I need to impress upon her that accepting this is not a cop-out, but a recognition of an underlying truth.

[suzifrommd]

"Being transgender is wired into our brains, probably from birth. Decades of doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, and counselors of all sorts have tried numerous methods to "cure" it but no one has ever found a way. People who ignore it often suffer severe anxiety and depression that worsens over time. It literally destroys those who do not address it."

Does this help?

[Mariah]

Finding the right words to tell an SO is never easy to do. Suzi is right and in fact that might be the way to approach it along with mixing a bit of you in the mix. Those things that she probably noticed, but wrote off for some reason. WHen you find the right words they will just flow. Hugs
Mariah

[Jacqueline]

Mado G,

I have been struggling with cross dressing since I was 8 or 9. Many others on this site can tell you their experiences. I have purged and rededicated myself to "leading a better life".

After 50 years (yup, 50), I started going to a therapist to take care of this once and for all. I said that I wanted to be cured of this and in a way no one had to know.

I did much research on many sites, articles and books. I started with learning about cross dressers and found they all said the same thing. I kept working with my therapist and after 2 months realized it never goes away. It will always come back.....I was a little confused because comparing myself to them, didn't really match up. So I continued my search and instead of "being cured", I came out MTF to my wife of 25 years, about 4 months ago. My three teens do not know yet but probably will in another year or so.

That is my personal story. However, as I stated, do research. You will see it time and again. All of the sub genres of Transgender. It does not go away. It may fade if you are really busy and pretty happy and distracted. However, it will come back. I don't know if reading this to her would help? There are also SO parts of the site. Perhaps she could get information from other SO's?

I wish you luck and love and a smooth journey.

With warmth,

Joanna

[Laura_7]

Here are a few thoughts that might help you:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,180045.msg1658077.html#msg1658077


hugs

[Molly Frances]

What timely sharing -- it confirms my experience over the last 25+ years, and the realization I came to only last week. The dysphoria would subside from time to time -- short periods of time -- and I thought I had it licked. I thought I was crazy, and it was only a matter of time and will power. I have been lying to others for so long, and really all along I was lying to myself.

[Laurette Mohr]

 I first discovered the word Transgender 16 years ago. I was happy yet saddened and afraid of what I discovered. It was ME to a T. I thought that I could push this away. I was "strong enough and big enough" that I could overcome this no problem. How so very wrong that I was. 2 to 3 years ago she came knocking. I'm still here and I'm not going away. FINALLY last year I gave up the fight and here I am. I celebrated my 7 month HRT anniversary with air champagne(Imaginary alcohol)It's BEAUTIFUL what I am. Don't be afraid or ashamed of who you are.CHIN UP dear.

[Rachel]

I recommend practicing what you say to your SO with your gender therapist, if you have one. If you do not have one I recommend seeing one.

You can never know her reaction. short term acceptance may become rejection later.

She will look for any glimmer of hope that you will revert back and everything will go away. She may go through the 5 stages of grief. She may go back and forth through the stages until she accepts it. Then you will know her final answer.

If you bargain you will be back at the table until you do what you must. Trans never goes away.

[LizK]

I have been ducking and weaving for 40 years about my gender issues and I told my wife I was a crossdresser before we were married just a mild fetish. However I had to "come out" to here again because after much soul searching I now know 3 things for sure, I am Transgender, I have gender Dysphoria and I cannot continue to live the way I am, after that its all up for grabs but one thing is constant...it never goes away. You can repress but it won't work because it will eventually come out no matter how long you leave it or you can face it head on and see where it goes. We only get one shot at this life and I want to live it as me...Sarah.
My situation with my wife is different to yours but to tell her that this was not simply about "dressing up" was really hard for her to hear and we had to talk I through because prior to my "coming out" we had never really explored it with the kind of honesty it requires. A number of the questions she had I couldn't answer because I simply don't know...where will this end up..do you want srs...do you want to sleep with men...do you want to live full time as a woman...and many many questions. It was painfull and she didn't understand right away but at some point she realised I was not "making a choice" to do this that it was something that runs so deeply in me I don't have full control. Honesty and trust each other.

It is a very hard road for many spouses and many leave, however mine has committed to stay and I have committed to stay with her. At this point before I make any major changes in my life I am going to get a Therapist and I implore you to do the same.

This is not something you did this is who you are, when coming out I think the most difficult part for me is making sure I have explained myself well enough so that she will understand. I missed the mark with the first couple of conversations because I was having difficulty saying exactly how I felt, we kept talking and eventually I came to see that she understood. For a long time she thought this was more of a choice/lifestyle thing rather than something so basic in you that it just "there" its no different to any other part of you...its you 

I hope it works out for you and you find your truth.

Sarah T