Need support or advice around transitioning

[Julian Jude]

Hi. I am 44, married to a man for seventeen years, and have two teens. I am in good shape and have always not had a big issue with self esteem, feeling attractive, or attracting men.
I have been on low dose testosterone cream for three months. I haven't seen any huge changes except for some change in muscle tone, but I work out a lot so it is hard to tell one from the other.
My partner has tried to be accepting but also has said an open relationship would be ideal to balance things out, we have been dealing with this issue and my jealousy around the idea for a year. He has recently said that he is concerned about me losing my hair as I have fine hair anyway and male pattern baldness in my family so it is a real possibility. He is afraid that my hair might fall out suddenly and be irreversible. I am on Rogaine but still have concerns.
My biggest fear is finding someone to love me once I transition. The idea of my cisgender husband dating in the cisgender world and me trying to find a man in the gay??? world, not even sure how it works, is a huge fear. I am wondering if I should go off testosterone at this point but fear that I will fall into a depression.
I would like advice,  any success stories of dating would be nice, or just some words of wisdom. Thanks.

[Tessa James]

Hi Julian,

Congratulations for taking steps to own your gender identity and work with your spouse.  My partner and I are both Bi and have considerable experience with an open relationship in the past.  Yes, it can work and we have had sublime moments of  walking in the sunshine hand in hand with our lovers.  Jealousy is a learned emotional response but can be a deal breaker for some.  It requires even greater communication and honesty IMO and is more complicated simply due to the arithmetic.

I would not give up on your medical transition unless T is really messing your head and that doesn't sound like it.  Dating in the gay male world is also over for me now and I agree it may be more challenging to find partners but don't let the labels get in the way.  Bi, Pan and Trans people cover a lot of orientation and possibilities.

[Julian Jude]

Thank you for your response. I like hearing stories of open relationships working.

[Laura_7]

You might look in lgbt circles... or with open people in general...
a lot has to do with expectations. I'd say just remain expectant and open for people... and if you are a nice person you have something to offer... just be yourself...

another way might be to do something you like, and which brings you in contact with people... this way you can meet people you have something in common with...


hugs

[Tessa James]

Thank you for your response. I like hearing stories of open relationships working.

Hey Julian,  A lot of people with open relationships or polyamorous lifestyles are kind of quiet about it due to salacious gossip and other expressions of disapproval out there.  Gay men, IMO often find it easier to compartmentalize sex and distance that from a full relationship.  So we have guys that hook up, sleep around or are promiscuous if we put a value judgement on it.   Most gay men I know are not into "fats or fems"  I know my desirability has plummeted as a trans girl and that's OK.

Jealousy is that green eyed monster some cannot face.  How can some one not be possessive of someone they love?  Well for some us that formula just doesn't work and just represents tired love songs.  I'm old and have known plenty of couples, three and four person relationships and people who may occasionally invite a guest for special events.  It can and does work but takes some maturity, lots of honesty and effort.  We don't all get to be #ONE in life and sharing feels good to many of us.  And then our fantasies rarely are as good as imagined and people can mess up since we are so human.

I have much more regard for people who try and fail at an open relationship vs those who are doing the old lying and cheating thing.  With more people there simply are more variables and that can be so fun or exasperating if you're simply trying to decide where to get a bite to eat;-)   Honesty is critical when we consider that anyone my partner sleeps with is potentially sleeping with me too in terms of STDs.

Good luck dude!

[Julian Jude]

Thank you, a lot of good food for thought.