After seeing my therapist on Thursday and her confirming what I already knew I found myself feeling quite numb the day after. All of Friday and Saturday I was just numb. I could not wrap my head around the fact that after all these years of never thinking it possible I was going to finally have a chance to be true to myself. I had spoken with my wife and had her on board and happy for me to make changes to help myself, I have my therapist also telling me I need to make changes and prepare to transition. Did I do anything? NO, I was numb, shell shocked I couldn't bring myself to do anything, all the self doubt and loathing I have ever had, paid me a visit late on Saturday after I had spent the day reorganising my Girl Cave and continued all day Yesterday. By 5pm last night I was irritable, angry, frustrated and feeling like a piece of crap. Such a pleasure to be around.
Then it hit me right between the eyes that the only reason I was feeling this way, is because I would not do anything for myself. I think part of it is once I make that initial change then I have started and the whole thing becomes real. I said to my wife that Today was day 1 and that I would be making some initial small changes to my appearance but too not to dramatic. She said, she knew I had to do it, days like yesterday are very bad for me. She was very encouraging and asked what changes I would make so I told her, shaving, underwear, nail polish, earrings to start...she didn't say a word other than to tell me to "get on with it" and that she hates to see me so distressed.
So here I sit on day one....so many years wasted in denial and pain. Today is step one of my new life...its going to be baby steps but steps none the less. I am out for coffee this morning and there is a large part of me telling me to wear heels and a dress. I actually seriously considered for awhile until reality hit back. As much as I would love too I suspect the attention it would cause at this early stage would be difficult if not impossible for me to handle. I am not exactly passable and will need assistance with HRT to make that even remotely close to happening. It will come with time and confidence I am sure.
I really am excited at the prospect and I actually feel for the first time in many years that there could be a future for me that is not filled with all the crap that goes with my current one.
A fairy Tale?
Once upon a time there was a little girl who found herself stuck in the body of a boy
she cried,
and she cried,
and she cried
As the tears dry
she wished with all her soul
with all her life force,
to the Universe,
to God,
on every Birthday,
on every wish,
on the shooting star that streaked across the twilight sky,
that one day she could be whole...
that day has come and
she cries,
and she cries,
and she cries
But these tears, are of Joy.
Sarah T
