This is something that's been... weighing on me lately. It's the level of certainty I have about my gender identity, and what it means. Now, to clarify at the outset, I don't believe absolute certainty is possible in reality, there are just too many ways to fool a human brain for that to be the case.
That said, the feeling of my gender identity being female is as close as absolute certainty as I've ever been. I know in my heart that I'm a woman, and I have every intention of taking all possible steps to change my gender presentation to match that reality. I had doubts at first, struggled with the question, but once I accepted I didn't look back. Committed fully.
And I've been rewarded for this commitment. I love the feeling I get in my head, a spreading happy warmth, whenever I think of myself as a girl, or do something feminine, or use my intended name. I honestly want to squee like a teenager. It's also working wonders on other areas of my life. I'm losing weight, I'm applying for steadier jobs, I'm seeing a therapist, and I'm more socially functional than I've ever been.
There have been corresponding costs. Conscious dysphoria, while not as psychologically damaging for me as the subconscious kind, is a pain. I hate mirrors, and go out of my way to avoid them. I can't stand to let even a small bristle grow on my face. I feel a yearning, desperate jealousy for the cis women in my day to day life. Their hair, their clothing, their voices, their interactions... it all causes pangs. There are also the more tangible costs of increased medical bills and the possible destruction of my family life.
And here's where I am having problems, this is all happening remarkably fast. At least to an outside observer. Internally, I think some part of my mind has been chewing these questions over for years, so when the dam broke I was prepared. I feel as though I'm moving at a deliberate and reasoned, if brisk, speed. It's the rest of the world I'm worried about. My confidants, my sister and friend, both have expressed the opinion that I'm moving "too" quickly, either implicitly or explicitly, that I'm not actually "sure" yet or that there is some underlying psychological cause that will be revealed with time.
I honestly don't think they're right. I know what I want and who I am, and unless there is some disorder messing with more than just my gender identity, I can't account for any psychological abnormalities in my wants and identity. Everything is just too consistent, too rewarding, and too organized to be rooted in disorder. My entire perception of reality would need to be wrong for me to be wrong about my gender. And I don't believe that's happening.
I am worried that their perception will spread, and it's muting my interactions with other people. I'm worried that people I come into will doubt, that my therapist will doubt, even at times that you all on this forum will doubt. It wouldn't change an iota of how I feel, but it would hurt to be doubted. For the most part this is probably paranoia, but it's there and I can't rid myself of it.
So, now that I've gone all Ramble Girl and explained way too much, has anyone ever felt this? Like they're moving at the right speed for them, but the rest of the world sees as too fast? How do you rectify the two? How do you make the rest of the world see that you know yourself better than they do?
Love and Kisses,
Tamika
