Why is some family so indifferent to us?

[Tristyn]

I ask because I really don't know. When I came out to myself a month ago, it was one of the hardest things I had to acknowledge(other than also having lupus nephritis ). I honestly felt better after coming out to every important person in my life I can think of right now(except my neighbor, whom I think is suspicious and prepared a well thought out letter for her to read over the phone in advance to help me come out to her better. ).

But what does not help me feel good are the typical reactions I get; not from the techs at my dialysis center or my social workers, but from my own family. Only my closest sibling(who sometimes feels like my only sibling>.>) was the first person, outside of myself, to be aware of my transsexualism. He was very accepting, supportive, and not even surprised. Even so, I think this is a huge adjustment for him because he grows very quiet or changes the subject whenever I bring this up in our phone texts, it seems. Yet he reminds me that I can talk with him about anything every time I voice my accusations of him not being supportive or even really accepting after all. I trust that this is not the case in reality....its just anger has a way of blinding me to the truth, I guess.

I found out a week ago, after coming out myself to my mom(which was so hard I choked on my words over the phone and she hung up from the long, awkward silence that took place before calling her back and ultimately coming out to her with the help of the story of Disney's Aladdin as a sort of anecdote to use the whole moral of being yourself and not something you aren't ), my sisters, who I cannot stand to even have a relationship with, were aware of my transsexualism behind my back. Yes, someone(probably my dad>.>) outted me to them.

If they were gonna do that why not have me on the phone too or do it with my permission? Are they afraid or to cowardly to ask me first? My dad had the gall to scream at me about being inconsiderate and unthoughtful for waking him up couple nights ago to remind of an important appointment with a social worker to address my gender identity issues and concerns. And yet I cannot accuse him of the same for possibly outing me behind my back like this to people I do not even bond with at all in the first place. Such barf-inducing hypocrisy only serves to amuse them and humiliate me in return!

Anyone here, besides myself obviously, feel a constant need(and fear) to severe ties with or cut off their whole family forever because they say they love you and yet they do not accept your true self and demand you to fight it(who you are) because God does not make mistakes?

Yes, my sister basically called me a mistake! This hurt more than a bone marrow biopsy...and it still does right now as I type this and recollect the evening she said such a callous and atrocious thing. Even after requesting...no begging for her to at least try to understand where I am coming from thru research,(my bro just happily agreed to this favor) she blatantly refused because she, "doesn't need to just because."

So &*#$ her and anyone else who will accept my former chameleon shell, "Sparkle," instead of my currently emerging true self essence, Phoenix!"

[Ms Grace]

Family are unfortunately often the hardest aspect of our transition. My experience is that the people least closest to me were the ones to get really excited and congratulate me (as if I was getting married or something) but the closer I was to the person the more restrained the response... right down to my folks at ground zero. It's a lot for people to process and understand in one sitting, while we've struggled with our gender identity for many, many years if not our entire life, this is the first they've heard of it. Add to that the feelings they have about you as the person (gender) they see you as and the fact a lot of people really don't understand what's involved in transition... it lends itself to some very muted, even hostile, initial responses. Sometimes initial positive responses become negative after they've had time to get over their shock, and vice versa of course. Our transition becomes a journey for other people too, and while they may not initially want to come along for the ride many change their mind with time and eventually follow enthusiastically. Just be patient with them and be open to the resistance while still standing your ground and being yourself.

[Tristyn]

Family are unfortunately often the hardest aspect of our transition. My experience is that the people least closest to me were the ones to get really excited and congratulate me (as if I was getting married or something) but the closer I was to the person the more restrained the response... right down to my folks at ground zero. It's a lot for people to process and understand in one sitting, while we've struggled with our gender identity for many, many years if not our entire life, this is the first they've heard of it. Add to that the feelings they have about you as the person (gender) they see you as and the fact a lot of people really don't understand what's involved in transition... it lends itself to some very muted, even hostile, initial responses. Sometimes initial positive responses become negative after they've had time to get over their shock, and vice versa of course. Our transition becomes a journey for other people too, and while they may not initially want to come along for the ride many change their mind with time and eventually follow enthusiastically. Just be patient with them and be open to the resistance while still standing your ground and being yourself.

Thanks a lot Ms Grace.

I sense major authenticity in your words and respect that, but I must be honest and admit the last part of your quote is sometimes hard for me to do. I can do it, but not without feeling crippled by feelings of guilt and even remorse. Especially when I sometimes yell at my dad, "I told you for the gazillionth time, that my name is Phoenix and I wish to be referred to as male using masculine-only pronouns!"

Even when I am more subtle about this, my father says things like, "Your name is Sparkle. Always was and always will be a woman!"

It just proves as a powerful catalyst, Ms Grace, for me to spiral furiously down the tunnel of gender dysphoria. I mean, even bringing him with me to speak to my social worker about finding help for GID and gender dysphoria, he immediately whipped out his cell before driving back home for almost half hour!

I mean, what a pain in the !@# he was for that. I am almost certain he spread the very same things we spoke of which were sworn to remain confidential and "never to leave this room," were my social worker's exact words. But does he care? I don't really know, to be honest.

And to be honest again(I say that a lot, eh? ), I am terrified that my dad might catch me with a woman or catch me cross dressing with a packer and shoulder pads. Then out of every possible negative emotion he could muster, from anger to pure embarrassment, just kick me out to the streets like I never mattered to him to begin with.

I don't wanna upset or hurt any of your guys' feelings with this next comment but, I really do not like being like this. Maybe that is why many do not accept this. If I cannot even accept it, than just who can, Ms Grace?

I acknowledge it, yes.....but its not enough...

Call me a cowardly brat or whatever; but I am starting to think only HRT and SRS, even if its very minor, can convince my self-acceptance of this unchangeable reality that I did not even choose since the day I was born to this nonchalant, despicable, cold-hearted planet, nearly incapable of accepting those who are different from themselves. In this world, only the majority survive , is how that quote ought to go. I even think that E.T. was really about how inhumane humans are to things they do not understand...Now I know how poor lil' E.T. felt....My worst fear is not my own harm by the hands of the homophobic/transphobic mob community, but the ones I love most, like my dad. I had such a vivid nightmare of his death two years ago upon moving in with him.....now I regret I even did....I might be the cause of his untimely death...I am scared to think of going to jail from vengeance...so many worries I never really eat or sleep. I wish I never discovered this...but in a way I know I had to confront it and now deal with it, accordingly. Or else end up just another transgender suicide victim from the extreme disparities of the infamously unforgivable gender dysphoria that even plagues my dreams.

All I really want, even more than my treasured goals of HRT and SRS, is 100% support from my family....this is priceless....

[Ms Grace]

Are you presenting as male at home? If not it will make them less likely to believe you and even more likely to misgender and misname you. The sad fact is that what you describe is a way too common experience for young trans people trying to sort out their gender identity and presentation at home. I don't know what age you are but a lot of parents think their younger and teenage children are "going through a phase" and if they ignore you then you're likely (they hope) to "get over it" and move on to the next thing. It's very common amongst many parents. Anyway, I can only reiterate that it takes time, months, maybe years, if ever. Yelling at them will probably only accomplish the opposite of what you hope to achieve since they will dig in. They may not be dancing with joy but at least they haven't thrown you out (also common unfortunately) so you have plenty of opportunity and time to convince them otherwise and to turn them around. Just don't expect it to happen overnight.

[Tristyn]

Are you presenting as male at home? If not it will make them less likely to believe you and even more likely to misgender and misname you. The sad fact is that what you describe is a way too common experience for young trans people trying to sort out their gender identity and presentation at home. I don't know what age you are but a lot of parents think their younger and teenage children are "going through a phase" and if they ignore you then you're likely (they hope) to "get over it" and move on to the next thing. It's very common amongst many parents. Anyway, I can only reiterate that it takes time, months, maybe years, if ever. Yelling at them will probably only accomplish the opposite of what you hope to achieve since they will dig in. They may not be dancing with joy but at least they haven't thrown you out (also common unfortunately) so you have plenty of opportunity and time to convince them otherwise and to turn them around. Just don't expect it to happen overnight.

I agree with everything you say, Ms Grace. Thing is, I am twenty-six and have had the misfortune of never growing up, not only as a genetic man but even just as an adult person. I mean, from handling money to driving a car, these things are as foreign as my breasts to me. I sometimes wonder if this is the reason, though you really hit the nail on the head if that is so.>.>

I do not have a lot of courage like a lot of MTFs seem to possess. So many stories of them boldly being the women they know they are regardless of what other's say or think. I mean, its easier at dialysis(but not easy) or anywhere outside of my house but when I am at home, I minimize my cross dressing subconsciously without really trying. And after much reflection on the reason, I think its cause of my largest known barrier of all; my father.

I wonder about what more I can do to "pass" as male, so much that I incur migraines. I have not slept since last afternoon and am due for dialysis in a few hours. I feel so "dead"....and not just from end-stage renal failure either. I have gotten very skinny too. I fear it to be onset anorexia nervosa. I even took the initiative to do what I perceived to be the right thing to do, and purchased a book for my dad about transsexualism for the goal of helping me and him out.

I mean, I like to really be strong, tough, nonchalant, and even seemingly ruthless at times in defense of my true masculinity and to push out whatever perception of femininity that me and everyone around me continues to have.

To gladly answer your question; yes, I am but I think I sometimes come off as androgynous, to be frank with you. But the thing is, if I do, I do not do this on purpose. I think its stuff about my %$^&*$# female "features" that make this very difficult...even more than it has to be. I look at a lot of pre-transitioning men online and their looks declare "I am a man" alone. I wish I could feel that way....I am so skinny and people compliment me which my brains transforms into a direct insult to my masculinity which inherently strengthens my gender dysphoric curse!

I try everything I can think of within my budget...and is not much either. I depend on my dad nearly 100% for finances. I do not work and rely on SSI when a need or want arises within my budget. But that man, that father of mine has to hand me money like I'm still his child....but in reality, I am his grown son. And he does not even respect the fact I am an adult..period. Because of this flaw, he has to take me to shop for things, which is even harder for me than most to purchase things in private(like men's briefs, which I never had the opportunity to do>.<).

I know this stuff can't come easily...but my dad is like a stone wall; impenetrable in every sense of the word! Guy commands me to "shut up," when I speak my feelings. When he talks about me or mentions me to his brother, he calls me "Sparkle" and says "she," "her," "hers."

I dress as manly as I know how, behave as manly as I know how, talk as manly as I know how...even so, "Sparkle" will always be my dad's reality before "Phoenix" is....

[Ms Grace]

Any chance of moving out? Being with strict parents when you are in your 20s, while financially beneficial can be very suffocating to your growth as an adult.

[FTMax]

Personally, I don't make a big deal out of my gender identity. I came out, and that was that. It isn't something that comes up in normal conversation. To be honest, it doesn't come up at all anymore despite transitioning in place.

I think a lot of us are guilty of over-hyping things when we come out. Yeah, transition is a lot to deal with and work through and it's nice to talk about it, but my gender is not the most interesting or important thing about me. You are more than your gender identity. Don't let it be the only thing you talk to people about.

I fully support cutting people off if they can't be respectful. It's fine if they don't agree with what I've done and am doing, but as soon as a line is crossed they're gone. I'm a 26 year old man - I won't put up with disrespect or people questioning my life choices regardless of who they are. Come out, do what you can to provide initial education and explain how this all applies to you, let them know what your expectations are as far as how they should treat you, and if they don't follow through, bye.

Life is too short to spend it with crappy people.

[Dena]

My roommates son was a dialysis patient and lived with us for a number of years. Combining that with gender dysphoria I know the enormous amount of pressure you must be under. Either condition can consume your life but to have both at the same time!!!
My family was never rude to me but it took years for them to fully accept me. One of the more embarrassing moments was being in the tall woman's shop with my mother selecting clothes that would be my christmas present and being addressed my my male name. I know it's minor compared to what you are facing but they have known you all your life by your old self. You have known about your new self for a while. They have known about your new self for days. I don't know if they will ever change, but to change them will take time and a good deal of effort from you. For me the effort to win them over was worth it but it took years to do it. I would give it some time and continue your education efforts. I don't know what the results will be but I wish you the best of luck.

[Emileeeee]

I'm dealing with this right now. And nobody's talking to me, they're talking to each other, so I don't even know what the reactions are for most of them. I feel somewhat confident that it will work out in the end, but I also prepared myself for the possibility that it won't. It's more important to be true to myself than to try to justify negativity.

[Tristyn]

Any chance of moving out? Being with strict parents when you are in your 20s, while financially beneficial can be very suffocating to your growth as an adult.

Hello, Ms. Grace.^^

Sorry for the late reply. Some bad things went down for me a couple weeks ago, so I was unavailable for quite some time.

To answer your question here, yeah I definitely want to move out. I am not lazy or a free loader as some people might assume I hint at whether here on the forums or out there in the real world. I think you may or may not be aware of that. I think in my earlier posts on this thread, I briefly mentioned my dependable status as a dialysis patient. This, along with other health complications make finding a well-paying job very difficult. I have to settle for part-time. What pisses me off even more, Ms. Grace, is that I was certified enough to be hired for an entry level job(bagger>.>) at a grocery store. On the contrary, I was not certified enough to actually begin work due to a hernia that I reported after my job interview. My father blames me and says I should("should" is his favorite victim blaming word ever) have waited to have the hernia removed and that I messed up. But I think even if I did, the position would have been taken anyway.

Now that I am post-op from hernia repair, I am back to job searching like I'm on an Easter Egg Hunt. I am desperate again for work. I hope not to follow the same mistake, which according to my father, was all my fault. Nothing I do is ever enough. I have a plan for my life and am so competent. However, when being around a negatron most of the day, its hard for me to even have hope for my future.

I am becoming highly suspicious also of some financial abuse on his end. I say this because he constantly coerces me to make him my Power of Attorney(POA) especially when admitted to the hospital, like he did two weeks ago. An aunt of mine woke me up to the reality of why even my callous, money-loving sister did this to me when I was under her poor care. And its for control...simple as that....My father has always been a very controlling man since I was young. He was like this with my mom too.

I feel like when dealing with him, it is like walking on eggshells, as they say. I stay with him because he is the only one who will put up with me and I have no other option. He only allows me $50.00 a month from my own SSI(social supplemental income) because he is, unfortunately, my payee and I am only the beneficiary(but this money is supposed to be for me). The other $736.00 is what I have no idea about. He asserts that its for hospital bills...but I do not live in the hospital. Trips to the hospital have been greatly reduced in the last several months since improving my health on my own and with the aid of medical practitioners......so this cannot be completely accurate at this time. I want to politely demand him to show me the total of the funding statement of my SSI money he has in his possession. I want to know exactly what it is being used for in the last few months to a year, cause I am now again in question about it. If my suspicions prove me right(and I really hope they do not) then I want to catch him in time and make the appropriate steps to file a complaint so he can be stopped. If I am wrong, then I will continue what I am doing now(while feeling a little relieved) and search for work.

I would simply go to school online(due to dialysis being an issue), but I am so far in debt with financial aid, that they are not willing to lend me any more money until they are paid in full. I blame myself in some ways, to be fair, but I do shift it to my sister a lot because she is the one who pushed me to go to school and even volunteered to help pay them back....and never did. Hell, we do not even speak with each other anymore.

So yes, I am so stressed out and reacted in a way that may have alleviated me of all of this. Selfish as it may have been, but I think most people would be better off with me gone....

Any who, I guess I have no choice but to keep getting up and knocked back down again...like a vicious cycle....oh when will it end? 

Personally, I don't make a big deal out of my gender identity. I came out, and that was that. It isn't something that comes up in normal conversation. To be honest, it doesn't come up at all anymore despite transitioning in place.

I think a lot of us are guilty of over-hyping things when we come out. Yeah, transition is a lot to deal with and work through and it's nice to talk about it, but my gender is not the most interesting or important thing about me. You are more than your gender identity. Don't let it be the only thing you talk to people about.

I fully support cutting people off if they can't be respectful. It's fine if they don't agree with what I've done and am doing, but as soon as a line is crossed they're gone. I'm a 26 year old man - I won't put up with disrespect or people questioning my life choices regardless of who they are. Come out, do what you can to provide initial education and explain how this all applies to you, let them know what your expectations are as far as how they should treat you, and if they don't follow through, bye.

Life is too short to spend it with crappy people.

I really like and agree 100% with all you said, so much so, that I have very little input on this other than I wish I could add another point to your rep. Guess I  need more membership privileges first....

Hey, I am 26 too!^^ Awesome. I suppose its true what they say, "Great minds think alike."