How to tell young people?

[BunnyBee]

A relative of mine has asked for resources on how to tell their children about me and my transition.  I have done some google searches and found some things, but nothing exactly great.  I was wondering if any of you have any good resources you have run across that you would recommend?  I'm really looking more for actual publications or websites I can give her than advice, though anything helps.  The kids are young, 3 and 1 years old I believe.

[suzifrommd]

Resources?!? Resources?!? We don't need no stinkin' resources!

Kidding aside, if they're looking for resources, they're overthinking the whole thing.

"Ms. Bunny used to be a man. She's a woman now, because she's happier that way."

What more needs to be said?

[Mariah]

I do believe there are some books out there that might be of help. I believe there was another thread similar to this at one point that had mentioned some. Hugs
Mariah

[Angieisalone]

Just don't tell them.
Why do they need to know anyways?

[Sarah82]

Hi Bunny,
I'm reading "The Transgender Guidebook: Keys to a Successful Transition" by Anne L Boedecker and in her book she discusses this issue in regard to coming out to family.

She said not to worry about telling children 4 and under as, if you are living full time as your preferred gender, they will not remember you as any different and have not formed concrete gender roles in their minds yet.

Children 5 to 11, in her experience as a psychologist, have a pretty flexible gender roles and should not have much issue with you if you explain why you needed to transition.

Teenagers are the hardest age group to tell as they have newly constructed views on gender roles and these can be very inflexible.

I hope this helps.
Hugs,
Bobbie

[BenKenobi]

Just don't tell them.
Why do they need to know anyways?

I don't know. Maybe to teach kids at a younger age that people are different before they get hateful information elsewhere?

[Laura_7]

You could look here for a few resources that might help:
gires.org.uk/support/explaining-to-children
there are resources for children of different ages

gires.org.uk/assets/DOH-Assets/pdf/doh-transgender-experiences.pdf
(on page 7 they talk about stress... many experience relief instead)

hawaii.edu/hivandaids/Some_Considerations_in_Coming_Out_Trans_to_Your_Parents_and_Family.pdf
I personally also like the twin explanation... people will be basically like their male/female twin, with still the same sense of humour etc...

and maybe to simply reassure them of your love...
and maybe giving them some kind of feeling of continuity... like there will be changes but its all manageable...


hugs

[FTMax]

My cousin explained it herself to her daughter (who is 5 or 6) after I had top surgery and had some pictures on Facebook for people to look at. I'd only met the kid once at a funeral reception, since they live in New Mexico and I'm on the east coast.

My cousin was looking at pictures, kid asked what happened to me (to get scars like that). My cousin phrased it as: "Do you remember (Girl Name)? (Girl Name) goes by Max now, and is becoming a boy because that's how he feels he should be. He went to a doctor and got boy vitamins (testosterone) that he takes every day. Then he went to a doctor and got his boobs cut off because boys don't have boobs. That's why those scars are there. They look like they hurt, but he feels a lot better now."

She was not prepared for her kid to reply with "But daddy has boobs!" 

I don't know of any resources online or in print that could be used to explain it. I think you just have to make it a conversation that kids understand.

[StartingOver]

"Ms. Bunny used to be a man. She's a woman now, because she's happier that way."

What more needs to be said?

^^ This ^^

Be careful here.  I've had personal experience of parents who need complex and official psychological and medical "resources" to help explain gender transitions; the parents themselves (and not their children) were deeply skeptical of the transition itself, and while seemingly ok with it on the outside, deep down they were bigoted, hateful people who wanted to keep their kids away from something they perceived as absolutely disgusting and harmful and embarrassing and dirty.  Don't underestimate how hard a parent will push you away from the family if the parent considers you any kind of threat whatsoever to the kids.  There's no internet resources I know of that can convince a "closet bigot" soccer mom that having a transgender person in the kid's life will not permanently ruin that child's chances of a healthy and successful future.

It's not a complicated topic.  Someone changes their gender.  Big deal.  Here's the plan: have the parents bring it up in a typical situation (rather than some big family meeting), then the parents explain that they are ok with it (like most good people), how it's normal, and then have the parents ask if the kids have any questions.  End of story.  Time for chicken nuggets.  Move along, nothing to see here.

It's a two minute conversation.  I'd worry about parents who try to turn this into a huge therapy-inducing trauma for their kids.  It's in no way harmful to children, and watch out for the warning signs of any parent who can't believe this without an official letter from the family pediatrician and a ten-visit package to the therapist.

99% of the time, reluctant parents are vicariously airing their disapproval through their kids.  Trust me, the kids don't give a damn about gender transitions these days.  But mommy and daddy might still be living in the 20th century.

[BunnyBee]

I just wanted to thank you all for all the thoughts and especially the links, so thank you!

[KristinaM]

My sister refuses to let me see her children anymore, granted I never really saw them anyways.  She's one of those closet bigots you speak of, though not really in the closet it seems.  Her kids are 12, 15, and 18, or something like that.

So anyways, I don't have experience direly, but it sounds like if you can get to the children before the parents, that may be your best bet, lol.

[HoneyStrums]

Id say, keep it simple,

go with the wrong body exsplanation, if they need a bit of further help, switch the lables on a cupple of tins, then ask them what is inside them. and exsplain that we cant always see what is inside a tin by looking at the lable.

gender A outside, gender B inside. e.g.

[Sharon Anne McC]

Id say, keep it simple,

go with the wrong body exsplanation, if they need a bit of further help, switch the lables on a cupple of tins, then ask them what is inside them. and exsplain that we cant always see what is inside a tin by looking at the lable.

gender A outside, gender B inside. e.g.

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My sister wanted nothing to do with me for many years despite my correspondences to her.  Then she sent an e-mail to me complaining how I was so bad because I was never part of her two children's lives.  Huh.  My funding $10k each for their college fund ought to have counted for something more than chicken scratch; oh, yeh, my sister wrote  to me as they were getting into college age that they (my sister and her husband) 'blew the money'.  On candy and gum?  Obviously that is all my fault she posts sarcastically.

Curious, my sister failed to mention whether she did or did not provide my postal or e-mail address to them as they were growing up.  My correspondences to my sister were open to her, her husband, and both their children as my letter to them was addressed to the family.  Neither child ever wrote a reply to me.

I wrote to her two children when they attended college.  I wrote open letters to them through their dorm authority to keep a distance and not incur charges of stalking (never can tell with my sister).  Neither child wrote to me throughout college.  I have no reason to suspect that their dorm authority failed to forward my communication to them.

Her son and daughter are now in early 20s.  They certainly have my postal and e-mail addresses yet do not write to me when they could have without any interference from their parents.

I do not know what to expect.  They would only know me as 'Aunt Sharon' since I have been Sharon long before they ever were; there would have been no needed explanation to them.  Did their mother - my sister - influence them to hate me?  Do they merely want nothing to do with me?  Are their lives busy as most young people and they lose track of correspondences?

It all remains to be determined.

Nevertheless, I have a videotape that I made during a visit to my sister's home when both children were toddlers.  I was watching it last week and thinking what is and what might have been.  That's life; I accept what I can, change what I can, and pray that I know the difference (with thanks to AA parlance).

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