What Terrible Timing! (Advice?)

[King Malachite]

Hey guys!  I need some advice on a situation I am in, as the title says.  Well, I am scheduled to have top surgery in late September, but I haven't told my mother (or my family for that matter) about this yet.  Heck, I haven't even came out to them with plans to transition partially.  I had planned to do that by the end of this month.  I'm still presenting as a female, and will continue to even after top surgery for a while.  I had this in my mind to specifically come out to my mother by the end of July for months now, and I have been terrified at the thought as is.  However, something happened that may throw my plans off.  We had a major storm at the end of June, and a tree fell, causing the branches to burst through the house.  Now she has to deal with insurance, and we are living in an apartment.  What terrible timing!  As if my nerves weren't already wrecked about coming out to my mother,and not even mentioning the top surgery right off the bat: just plain old coming out. 

Now I have no idea what to do.  Insurance says that our house should be fixed in about 2 to 3 months.  I'm debating if I should push my top surgery back to a later date, or keep the date as planned.  If I get top surgery like I planned, it is going to be very difficult to have to move all of my belongings back into my house (because I don't expect my family to help me), that is if I'm lucky enough to not get kicked out.  However, that isn't my main concern.  My main concern is that I will looking selfish to my mom, sisters, and dad: that I've decided to go through this, even though we are having a rough time as is.  I also worry about if/how this additional stress will affect my healing time.

I feel like it may be the best idea to push back top surgery.  To be honest, my dysphoria isn't bad enough that I *can't* wait.  However, my flight has already been booked, and I have already paid my top surgery deposit ($500 non-refundable fee) to Dr Garramone, and from what I've heard, he hates it when people move their top surgery dates, and I don't want to be remembered in a bad light like that.  I get that things happen, but still.....that would suck.  Most likely, I would have to pay a rescheduling fee: that and a fee to switch flights which seems like a nightmare to do.  I've also put my deposit down at New Beginnings Retreat, so there's probably a rescheduling fee for that too.  I just don't want to have to put down an extra $500 + cash to reschedule everything, when that could have went towards top surgery.  However, considering circumstances with our house, it might be a wise decision to wait.

I'm not going to lie: part of me wants to reschedule because I'm just so terrified to come out to my family and be seen as this bad guy.  I feel like I'm already the black sheep of the family, but this will magnify it times infinity.  It would just be easier to let things stay the same.  In other words: I'm getting cold feet.  As some of you may have been aware of in the past, I have been very tenacious about "saving for top surgery".  Ironically, now since that time has come, I feel like chickening out.  I would have put nearly my life savings into this, and by the time that everything is paid for, I might have $2,000 left in the bank, if I'm lucky.  This is also another reason why I am considering rescheduling: so that I can built up more money to fall back on once I have top surgery just in case my mom does kick me out and I have to survive only on the funds that I have (I'm thinking at least $5,000 would be ideal), because I plan on quitting my job once I get my surgery done.  It is a part-time, minimum wage job with no benefits, and I will be out for quite some time.  I'm pretty sure he will replace me pretty fast as I don't think he likes me too much anyways.  With this job, it would likely take me nearly another year to make that.

In hindsight, it would have been best for me never to schedule top surgery so soon.  It would have been better to just wait until I had an additional 5 grand.  I should have thought about this more carefully.  Well, I did, and knew about how much I would have left over once I had top surgery, but for some reason I continued on to schedule.  Well, it is what it is now, and I'm still so proud of myself for coming this far in at least scheduling, no matter what I do, but that's the thing: I don't know what to do, and this is why I'm asking for your opinions. I know that only I can make this decision in the end, but I could sure use some guidance, especially since time is running out, and running out very fast.  If you were in my situation, what would you do?  Any help would be appreciated!  Sorry for writing so much.

[FTMax]

First, sorry about the tree and best of luck with whatever you end up deciding.

My vote is to go ahead with surgery as planned. There will always be reasons not to do things that are difficult. If you keep waiting for an ideal time, you might be waiting forever. I think you should go ahead like you planned and try to tell your family what your plans are before the end of the month to give them as much time as possible to get used to the idea.

My biggest advice would be to do as much planning for every potential path as possible. You've already done most of the legwork as far as what it would cost you to reschedule. If your family has concerns about the date, let them know what it would cost you to change it. Get quotes for movers and see how much it would cost to have your stuff moved if they need to move back home while you're recovering and unable to lift. Bring it up as an option. It shows that while you're committed to what you're going to do, you also don't want to be a burden to the family.

Probably the most depressing thing to consider is getting kicked out. Look up inexpensive housing options. Get a feel for relatives/friends and whether or not they'd let you stay with them. Don't mentally commit to quitting your job until you know where you stand with your housing situation.

If you think it's going to be a really delicate conversation, I'd strongly consider writing a letter to give to your mom. That way you'll have some time to look it over and prepare it, and you're not as on the spot as you would be just talking it over.

[LordKAT]

I think you would have good cause for re scheduling your surgery, especially with all the doubts you have. If you can do it in a few months after your planned date, you will be better prepared, money wise and moving your things. It would be a good idea to look into what alternative living arrangements you can make since your mother is a major issue. I think you need to either come out to her before your surgery or be living elsewhere before your surgery.

[King Malachite]

Thank you for replying, ftmax and LordKAT.  There are great cases for both sides, and I'm still unsure of what route to take.  I feel like I could plan for an eternity for any possible outcome, and I still not be all the way prepared.  It would be ideal to have at least 5 backup grand just in case, but I have a feeling that even if I did, then I'd still want to postpost surgery and wait until I have 10 grand, and when that happens, wait until I have 15 grand, then 20 grand, etc.  Sadly, I don't have any friends or family in my state that would be supported and/or take me in.  I have one friend in Texas that I may be able to stay with, but I'm not holding my breath.  I'd either have to find a homeless shelter, or be extremely lucky to move in with someone from the transgender housing network website.

Here's what I think I'm going to do.  I think I will at least come out to my mother still by the end of this month or the first week of August (provided I can built up the courage to), and depending on how bad she takes it, that will help aid my decision in whether to postpone, or keep the date.  If it is so bad that she does ask me to move out, or makes my life miserable to the extreme: if I am unable to find stable housing, at least for recovering, then I'll likely postpone.  However, if it is the type of rejection where it's like "I disagree with you and will have nothing to do with this, etc., then I may just keep the surgery date as is.

I'd like to hear from some other guys, too!                                       

[Dena]

Not a guy but for $500 you could afford to hire help with the move. On the other hand, I do question you waiting so long to come out to your family. I was  out long before I transition and that eliminated the trouble of dealing with family while I went through the work of transitioning.

[Devlyn]

I think you should just go ahead as planned. It's your life, not the families, and you need to start living it for yourself.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Remiie]

To be honest I think you should go through with the surgery, mainly because you've already done so much work to get it all planned out and it would be even more work to get it changed. Write a letter to your mom, don't try and talk to her about it directly because anxiety and nerves are a horrible thing and its very hard to work up the courage to say that sort of thing. Good luck all the same!

[Alexthecat]

I didn't tell my mom until 13 days before my surgery. I had other people to help me and stay with afterwards. I don't live with her though. Don't move your surgery. If you do get kicked out then a new place and a new job will be easier without boobs.

[FriendsCallMeChris]

This is going to sound weird for such an intense decision, but have you done the coin toss? Not where you let fate decide yes or no, but where you make heads yes and tails no and then, when it's up in the air, be really truthful about how you want it to land.  It sounds kinda lame, but it has really worked for me.

[King Malachite]

Ok, so I sucked it up and finally came out to my mom.  I should make another thread about that, but overall, it went better than I expected (as in her not immediately throwing me out).  I did tell her that my plan is to have a mastectomy be my first step.  I didn't tell her that my top surgery was already booked though.  She urges me to take it slow and think really hard about this before I do something so drastic, which is fair enough.  Her basic response in a nutshell was that even though she doesn't understand, she will always love me no matter what.  She told me that she hope I sleep well tonight now that it is finally off my chest.

Not sure where to go from here, but coming out sure was a start.

Oh Chris, I tried to do a virtual coin toss like that, but my nerves were/are too tore up to think clearly, lol.

I thought about writing a letter to her, but knowing my mom, the best thing for me to do would have been to just tell her upfront verbally.  I liken it to ripping off a band aid.

[StormOfThorns]

I'm glad to hear her response wasn't terrible. Yes, now you can sleep it off and literally get something off of your chest at this rate. Top surgery can be one of the biggest dysphorias to feeling "right" again. And one of the hardest things to save up for, not to mention the bottom. I hope you feel proud that you finally got the courage up and talked to her. One hurdle jumped for now, onto the next.

But that will put you out for a bit since you won't be able to lift your arms much and will be dragging those drain bags or whatnot. You don't know if you will lose your job? Or just quit and find another?

All is well, but first and foremost--I hope you head towards your own happiness. That won't happen unless you take action. Which sounds like you are on your way...

[FriendsCallMeChris]

Good job on being upfront w/ your mom. And kudos to her for being so calm and loving.

[FTMax]

Dude! That's great news.

That was actually my dad's first reaction to my coming out to him. Said he didn't get it, but that he loved me and would support whatever I needed to do. Encouraged me to take it slow and really consider the long term consequences (I started T like, 2 weeks later and got top surgery four months later - so obviously I took it really slow  ). Today he is super supportive and really doing his best to get pronouns/name right and fill me in on all the father/son life lessons that I missed out on. So I think you're in a good spot with her!

I'd say your next step would be letter her know that you've talked to a mental health professional and gotten their approval to move forward with your transition. She doesn't need to know that you did it months ago

[Bimmer Guy]

Malachite, good job on telling your mom!

I really think you should go through with the surgery and not postpone it.  You run the risk of getting stuck in this push/pull back position with your mom with her telling you to wait longer to schedule it.  I would come clean and tell her it is scheduled and that you can't change it.  Also, what are Garramone's rules on canceling?  I know that when I called to change my date the day after I scheduled it, they gave me a hard time.  It was weird, honestly.

If you are going to cancel, give him as much lead time as possible so that they don't give you a hard time about rescheduling.