Hello, I'm Jay.
Over the last two to three years, I've been dealing with gender issues. Now bare in mind, I'm only 19, so these started back around 16, perhaps even blossoming beforehand. I'm a little over a week away from starting HRT after talking to a few psychiatrists. It was great and all, they sort of rushed me through the process. However, as I grow older and look back upon my sessions with them, I feel like I never really found an answer. They'd ask me why I thought I was transgender, and I'd give them a reason. It felt very lifeless, It was as though they'd diagnose me no matter what I said, as if no thought about it processed through their minds. Now that was great at the time, because I was strapped for money and eager to become a pretty girl.
Perhaps to give some more background. I suppose while I was younger I got really interested in ERP(Erotic Roleplay), silly, yes. I was a mere teen at the time. I won't delve too much into what happened, but it included alot of me playing as a female, then transgender woman still attached to their phallus. I feel as though, I may have developed a sexual interest in the idea of being a pretty woman with a phallus. You see, my plan was, to go on the hormones while young, then be the cutest phallus clad woman around. I will mention however, that I was never sexually aroused while cross dressing. I do remember one occasion in which I sat adjacent to the mirror, gazing at myself for a near eternity.
And that's what brings me here. I'm introverted, cross-dress on occasion, though lately I've been slacking, I lack many friends so on and so forth, your typical NEET teen. I'm starting to question if I'm only doing it because I'm sexually interested in it, if it's because I said I'd do it and don't want to go back on my word, or if I truly need to transition. I have moments in which I feel that I'm making a horrible mistake, then others where I feel relieved. But every time I see the stone cold truth, I halt in my path, fall into depression, and question my choices. Were they jaded by my developing brain at the time? Will I regret it post HRT? Is it all one unconscious sexual fantasy? It's a hard choice, it's a life altering choice. Transitioning is hard, and remaining your assigned role appears to be much easier. I'm contemplating asking the endocrinologist to reschedule for a much later period. To maybe find myself more, though I'm not sure if thats possible. And sadly, suffer from the mindset of "Times ticking.", as bad as that mindset is.
I'd love to hear other people's thoughts. Sorry if my post is rather convoluted, it's my thoughts in it's rawest form and I'm legitimately scared about whatever choice I make. One thing though, if you don't mind me requesting, I'd rather avoid "Just try the HRT" comments and get actual thoughts on the issue. The HRT may be great when I start, but when the excitement wares off, where does it leave me? Thank you very much for reading.
