I'm trying to process what happened tonight

[Katelyn]

I need some help processing what just happened tonight.  This was not the first night that this happened to me, but it's the first time I've had it two days in a row.  I was thinking of myself and how good my life could be as a woman that I actually couldn't contain it and broke out into my female self.  For those of you who don't know me, I've sort of been in the wilderness about my identity because normally I don't feel female but I've had these times, especially within the past 8 years, where I've been able to feel fully female (I have a history though of crossdressing and had wishes to be female since at least the past 17 years).  Well, I actually broke out in my female self the night before but suppressed it at the end of the night.  This last night though the thing was was that I was so joyous and happy when I broke into my female self (remember, unplanned) that I actually had a hard time containing myself when I came back to my mom's place.  When I'm feeling female I uncontrollably sound female (I have a female voice I developed many years ago), mannerisms are female, and I'm almost a different person, and I especially feel the body dysphoria when I am like that.  I was even talking to a friend of mine on the phone and just naturally sounded female, with a much better voice than I normally have.  I've had to do a lot of effort to suppress my female self since coming back home tonight, even to the point where I actually felt pains on my head.  I actually had to maintain the suppression throughout the night.  I'm a bit scared as does this in fact mean that I'm transgender and is it that these past 2 nights that I've just simply allow my female self to come that she has not just come out but has gotten stronger in her attempt to "reclaim my body"?  I felt like I in fact found myself when I was feeling female and felt optimistic about the future. 

At the very least it's a form of multiple personalities without the blackout and amnesia.  At most it's the clearest sign yet that I need to transition and soon.  When suppressing her, I had to forcefully mentally "wear" the male persona back, and it was harder than ever this time to do so. 

It seems now that if I got on hormones, I'd likely have to go full-time because I won't be able to contain my female self.  It was hard enough tonight for me to do so.

[Tessa James]

Please don't worry about that transgender label.   What you describe sounds very profound and understandable.  What I don't understand, some days, is how anyone can put the genie back in the bottle once she is freed.
All of us have a right to be our true self and to be able to explore the depths of what that means for you as an individual.  The joy you describe and finding yourself when allowing yourself to be female is a familiar refrain around here, as you know.

But don't let yourself metaphorically run all the way to the finish line in one night.  there are a lot of little steps and some big hoops to consider.  Transition is waiting for you at a clinic somewhere and you can start shopping for one tomorrow...
Or do you already know the way??

[Beverly]

At the very least it's a form of multiple personalities without the blackout and amnesia.  At most it's the clearest sign yet that I need to transition and soon.  When suppressing her, I had to forcefully mentally "wear" the male persona back, and it was harder than ever this time to do so. 

If you think you have mental health issues then go and talk to a professional and find out

It seems now that if I got on hormones, I'd likely have to go full-time because I won't be able to contain my female self.  It was hard enough tonight for me to do so.

Jumping in and rushing any process rarely leads to good outcomes. The best transition advice I was ever given was to slow down and not charge madly ahead.

[suzifrommd]

The best transition advice I was ever given was to slow down and not charge madly ahead.

Interesting. That was the worst advice I was ever given, delivered by a few people who didn't want me to transition at all and figured slowing me down was the way most likely to make me change my mind.

Though might be a different situation. I had a carefully planned timetable, but those folks didn't think I was knowledgeable or competent enough. They turned out to be completely wrong.

At the very least it's a form of multiple personalities without the blackout and amnesia.  At most it's the clearest sign yet that I need to transition and soon.  When suppressing her, I had to forcefully mentally "wear" the male persona back, and it was harder than ever this time to do so. 

It seems now that if I got on hormones, I'd likely have to go full-time because I won't be able to contain my female self.  It was hard enough tonight for me to do so.

I had experiences like this early on, before I realized that both "personalities" were roles that I played, one because it was wired into me at the core, and the other because it I lived in a male body with male expectations for over 50 years.

The problem is that the female role was so freeing (because that's what my brain "wanted" me to be) that it was hard to suppress.

My experience supports your idea of going full time. It's painful and onerous to suppress your true nature.

[StartingOver]

Interesting. That was the worst advice I was ever given, delivered by a few people who didn't want me to transition at all and figured slowing me down was the way most likely to make me change my mind.

Me too.  It's still a problem.  I know myself far better than any outsiders, be they family or friends, trained mental health professionals or complete outsiders.  I initially appreciated their "we're just looking out for you" attitude, but really, as Suzi mentions, it was because they don't want me to change.

Um, too late.  And I regret compromising my transition process to keep others happy.

If you're unsure about whether to transition or not, then by all means tread lightly.  But once you know where you'd like to be in five years, you'd be foolish (IMO) to act without commitment, diligence, and dedication.

Rushing into things is inadvisable, but once you're in the process there's very little point in slowing things down deliberately.  I'm not saying you need to rush blindly ahead either.  Just go at a pace you're comfortable with, be it fast or slow, but make sure it's not influenced by those whose underlying agenda is hoping that any delay will help you "grow out of it" and "stop being trans."

Your body, your life, your choice.  Nobody knows you better than you do, regardless of diplomas and degrees framed on the walls of their offices and regardless of titles in front of their names.

(And great article about RLE too, Suzi.  Highly relevant to this discussion here as it highlights the problems and unnecessary roadblocks that outsiders can bring to the process.)

[Katelyn]

The only reason I mentioned "soon" is because when I allow myself to feel fully female, there's no way that I can continue living in the male world because my demeanor is just too female.

This is a problem that I only anticipated could happen if I got on hormones, but it's even happening without! 

Also, I'm 33 years old and I refuse to not be able to build a life and have friends and a career!  I've been stuck in limbo about my future for the past 8 years (due to my gender confusion), unable to make friends outside of the trans community or go down a long term career path and make a future for myself!