A big warm welcome to Susan's Rogue
QuoteLike many others I'm struggling to address this issue of mine that I've been dealing with since I was very small, which is what gender do I fit in? Sometimes I feel as though there are two inside me and forgive me if I'm getting the terminology wrong between gender and sex, I'm 21 so still kinda new.
Many of us have been there, I properly knew I wanted to be female around age 4, and around age 5 I saw the differences and that started many years of Dysphoria, I recall asking the family Dr with either my mother or grandmother in attendance why can't I be a girl... etc... word back, to my family member, don't worry many children are like this and they grow out of it... end of story... of course my parents never let me act out who I really was... I tried to cut my male bits off, but never actually did it because to scared of dying! But guess what after over 40 years later and now over fifty years on, how wrong was the Dr!
QuoteI tend to find myself each and every day feeling comfortable as living male or female, and its hard to come to a conclusion because I'm a very insecure individual who's trying to understand which gender is the one that I am happy with or the one that I feel society will accept me as and obviously being happy needs to come first. I know that most of it I'll have to find out for myself through sheer confidence in myself as told by my psychologist, but I was hoping maybe people such as yourselves who have more experience in the issue than he, can help me.
I cried secretly and suffered horribly for many years into my teens, prayed and solicited the devil, fairy godmother etc.. you name it! nightly well into adulthood... no changes! I took the path of conforming to the male role, married had lovely kids and no grandkids, kept my dark secret in a dual mode till today, however in my mid to late forties I discovered I was not the only person in the world managing this situation... wow what a self revelation... So all those years of secretly being me when alone half male half female, but desperately wanting to be female fully. I am still not out fully, because of me and my inner turmoil of perhaps causing my family undue stress and grief? BTW I still weep on many occasions, although as I get closer to me its less and less!
QuoteI also have an issue with where my sexual orientation is leading me because I tend to have gay thoughts here and there in which I've dived deep mentally; I know for a fact that I'm not gay because these thoughts tend to be a desperation for intimacy in which I lack because out of my fantasy and into reality these thoughts go nowhere, I have no desire to pursue them and it's not denial just no interest with the real thing. However when I picture myself female I picture myself with guys, like in my dreams and such.
I can only say I wish that over the years I could have been female in a normal marital role... but it was never to be... today I intend to right the wrongs I have inflicted upon myself... but what you saying is not uncommon I guess... and the last Sentence is definitely how I could have seen myself.
QuoteI'm skeptical because my male self is very attracted to females and I have explored that in reality, except while I'm experiencing it, I feel out of place, as though I'm in the wrong role. Another obstacle is that I like to exercise but I'm afraid I'll get too big and wont look good if I ever make the transition, so I've been not exercising as of late. I'd like to stop making unrealistic wishes to the sky every night eventually lol ;( and if you've read up until this point I appreciate you taking an interest in my story, if there is anything you can do to help I welcome it. And sorry if this is the wrong forum, please let me know, Thank you so very much. -TooScaredToGiveName
You are as I was for many, many years, too scared to cross the line for fear of reprisal or being shunned, the only advice I can give you is to put aside your fears, fully confirm where your mind and soul is at and don't deny who you really are. You will find once you have answered and settled your mind, your daily regimes, how you view yourself will change, its all about acceptance. Being confused about yourself will gradually grind away at you, give you pain and at the end of the day, you cannot avert or ignore your true self... as I have said I tried, oh did I try!
I kinda hope that my brief life experiences may help you... and as I opened with, welcome and look forward to seeing you about the forum's
L Katy
