I hate my male childhood

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Quite a lot of my dysphoria (but not all) focuses on my childhood. I was just surfing online and came across in image of a small girl and depression hit me like a train full of anvils. 

Although I recovered as quickly as it hit. I have to wonder is my life just totally over? I should not have been raised as a guy. I feel a lot of happiness when I hear about transgender kids, but a lot more contempt. 

I don't know if I can live with it. When I think about suicide I feel better, which makes me want to puke.

What the ->-bleeped-<- do I do?!? I only just turned twenty. Sorry I did not have something nicer to write.

[Mariah]

A therapist would be a good start who can help you with this and if you ever do feel like doing something drastic please contact one of the hotelines. Each of us is affected by it differently and for many of us our childhoods play a role. We are living proof that being trans isn't the ending of life but the beginning of it. Your life is not totally over which is why a really do recommend you see a therapist. Hugs
Mariah

[Dena]

I hit bottom at age 23 and had surgery at age 30. Treatment was very hard to locate in those days and I had to move almost 400 miles from home to get it. I lived with transsexualism from age 13 on. The question is are you ready to move into your new life yet? Your life is far from over and suicide isn't the answer as I came very close to that option as well. It is a long road to travel and there will be problems along the way, but it is worth it. If you want my opinion as what to do, start your transition. We are here to help you with what ever information you need. If the family and school is a problem, there is work you can do now that will move you forward without the family being aware. Now is the time to make your life better.

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Thanks for trying to help. I will not be able to get to a gender clinic for about 6 months. I feel brainwashed (male upbringing and all).

How much can my parents know about me? If they raised me as the wrong gender.

I don't know how much faith I have in a gender therapist.

[cheryl reeves]

im kinda the odd duck for i didn't hate my childhood,i just didn't like the ones who thought they were bullies..i guess having sisters and my thirst for knowledge helped me identify the problem and found ways to keep myself sane..my wife these days helps me keep balance when i go out of balance..

[Valwen]

Parents usually mean well but more than anything they want there child to be safe and happy, for most it is impossible to even imagine that a child's gender could cause them pain, they often act against there child's own best interests thinking they are protecting them. They also are terrified of the idea that there could be something wrong with their child and can be incredibly blind to there child's problems in a effort to make them go away by ignoring them even if they are actually aware of them.

My parents thought I might be gay but they never said a word afraid to make it true. Many parents who's children have learning problems or social anxiety issues refuse to see them or get there child help until a outside force makes them face that fact.

And all that said few parents even today are aware of transgender issues and those who are assume that because it's so uncommon it couldn't be there child.

Give them a chance you're parents might surprise you.

Serena

P.S. I do know how you feel though I fall into tears and self hatred whenever I think about my lost childhood.

[Ms Grace]

As a child I actively avoided a lot of activities that were generally considered "boy" things. Actively but without much understanding of why, except for the fact that the thought of rough housing it with boys absolutely terrified me. Things were OK until my family moved interstate as I finished primary school and, becasue of the area we moved to, I had to go to a boys high school. Again, I didn't really understand why at the time but I burst into tears at the news. What followed was six years of laying low, doing the minimum I needed to prevent me from being teased or beaten up. It was not fun but I learned how to survive. And that's kind of how I look at my childhood. It was what it was, sure it would have been great to have been seen and treated as a girl, been able to make friends with all the girls, go to a girls school, etc, etc, but I didn't and there is no point it letting it crush me or letting resentment rule my life. Many cis gender children have horrific childhoods for any number of reasons, and certainly trans people have a very particular issue of lost opportunities and lost life experience and lost socialisation, but we survived it. The important thing is to look to the future, the life that you want to have, live your life for now and move towards the future. I'm sorry you won't be able to get to a clinic for several months but there are still things you can do in the meantime to move yourself forward, towards that new future, towards the life you want to live. The past is in the past, there is nothing you can do about it, resentment only sucks the energy you would be better off using for moving towards your new life. Hugs.

[katrinaw]

hugs.... please don't let the past drag you down... the past is history, today and the bright future is what to strive for.

FWIW... When I was a kid (at 4) I knew I was not a boy... and at 5 I saw how different I was... It was the most shattering moment in my life, triggered years of hurt, anguish and daily battle with myself, so many times I came close to doing stupid things to my anatomical parts...

But as I moved into late teens, I realised that I had to live it, I had to protect myself from taunts and worse, and later on in life, I kept telling myself, there may be help for me.... when I hit mid forties, I discovered there was others like me, others had become women... at that point I strived to make a plan, how to meet my life's desires. However I had a wife and family by then... so I pushed ahead in secret, starting HRT at fifty... has taken me till now to be ready to take the leap...

Back at forty something I felt like you, reading the stories wishing I had those opportunities back then, but guess what, its life and we make it what it is. So please be positive, look ahead, don't dwell on history, its buried for future generations to dig up and find.

If you feel depressed please seek help.

Best wishes and lots of hugs.... and please enjoy life and your future, its what we are here for, on earth.

Katy xx

[Jacqueline]

Thanks for trying to help. I will not be able to get to a gender clinic for about 6 months. I feel brainwashed (male upbringing and all).

How much can my parents know about me? If they raised me as the wrong gender.

I don't know how much faith I have in a gender therapist.

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Highlight,

I am so sorry for how you feel. I hope I do not come across as patronizing or bossy. I also don't mean to take anything away from your experiences. However, you are at a great time to transition as far as age goes. There is so much that can be ahead for you.

I, like cheryl, did not hate my childhood at the time. I just did not understand. It is possible I was in denial but I did not really understand all of "symptoms" I experienced from 8 on till just last January or February(as pathetic as it sounds, I am now 50). Not trying to bore you with my story. I am using it to point out that it is more than possible your parents did not realize or understand. As a parent, I can say that one or two of my children show mild symptoms that suggest they could be on a transgender spectrum but I don't know how they really feel inside. I have to get that information from them. Some paint parents with a very accusatory style. However, I agree with Sarena that parents usually want nothing but happiness and safety for their children. Sadly, children do not come with a manual

I feel similar regrets for all I missed(then guilt-I feel ungrateful for all the good that has happened in my life). I understand how suicide or escape can seem like an appealing option. I have been there too. However, there are a lot of smarter people than me that have explained how it will not help and only ends the possibilities too soon.

The one bit of advice I would give you is to try to find a therapist quickly. I am sure there are others that would disagree but I don't care if they are a gender therapist or not. Gender is a major issue for trans people to work through but often not the only one. You can always start with a gender therapist later. They, like parents are not all evil gate keepers grasping for power. They mostly want to help and keep people safe if not happy. Therapists are not there to tell you what to do, or the steps to do it in(although some might). They are there to help you work through things when life gets really hard to work through on your own. In 6 months, I can name on one hand the number of things my therapist suggested I do,  or not do; that had not come from me first. She helps me work my way through all the conflicting thoughts in my head that would either trap me or take years to work through. I only wish I had gone to a therapist and dealt with my gender issues years ago.

I wish you clarity, hope and love. Try to keep moving on and be your own best advocate.

With warmth,

Joanna

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I guess what I am worried about is that it will not get any better.

[Mariah]

It does get better. It really does. I'm proof of that as are many others on the forums. Just over three years ago I was in such bad condition that when I was admitted to the ER they didn't think I would last the night. They felt I had at least one foot in the grave and with everything that was wrong with me they were right. This is my second go around at transitioning. My first go around I thought a lot like you do now. See all the problems and faults caused by the male childhood yet did nothing to face those issues head on because each one of them was something that you can over come. I was starting to go bald when I started transitioning that first time and to be honest that was one of things that through me for a loop. You can do this and we are here to help you. Hugs
Mariah

[Dena]

It gets far better. A few months before surgery I finished putting the old life behind me and I am 33 years post surgical never once regretting my decision or feeling a minute of pain over my gender identity. It is such a different world than the years I lived before surgery. I spend my day thinking about life instead of my discomfort in life. It will be hard but it will be worth every bit of effort you need to put in it.