My sister's remarkable hypocrisy!

[Ms Grace]

Things haven't been awesome with my sister since I transitioned. Although we are not estranged and she claims to be supportive and accepting we've only seen each other once since April 2014 - and that meeting was about a year ago after many requests from me. The get together went well, we chatted over brunch for a couple of hours and she mooted me meeting her sons... which is yet to happen. Although her two older sons know she has decided that her 10 year old daughter should remain in the dark and that I not contact her - as far as my niece knows, she hasn't seen or heard from her "uncle" in 16 months because "he" has gone interstate for work. My sister's lie, not mine. It's sad, and it has not been the kind of treatment I was expecting from my sister.

I've decided I'm no longer pressing the point - I have reduced my contact with my sister to minimal and via internet/text only. There's no point in me pressing to see my niece and nephews, it makes me seem desperate and I'm not playing that game. It is 100% on her now.

The other day, she posted this image...



All I could wonder at was the sheer jaw-droppingly unbridled hypocrisy of it. She's posting that as statement of her awesomeness and ability to get past the treatment of crap people (like her ex partner) without realising she is treating me like crap herself.

My response, just so that she knew I had seen it, was: "That's definitely been my philosophy for the last couple of years." She "liked" it.

I suppose I could/should have posted... "yeah, that's like when you come out as trans... I took a chance, it changed me, it hasn't been easy but it has been worth it... even if you've treated me like I don't exist. I'm really moving past that $#!@!!"

[Lady Smith]

Unfortunately Grace we seem to become the invisible people who don't exist as far as our families are concerned.

Hugs,

Anne

[AbbyKat]

This has become one of my biggest pet peeves from my in-laws.  They absolutely don't accept me and have actually tried to get my wife to leave me (offering her a "fresh start", etc).  Then they post crap like that, showing the world how accepting and awesome they are for seeing the value in diversity and different people.  Unless you're transgender, of course... yeah eff those guys, apparently.

Also... this has been accompanied with the constant accusation that my wife and I don't respect their beliefs.  The only "beliefs" of theirs we have any opinion on is them hating me for my situation.  Gah!  Your post really struck a nerve.  I can't stand this kind of crap.

Thanks for posting it.  I'm glad I'm not the only one seeing this kind of irony from family.

[Beverly]

I suppose I could/should have posted... "yeah, that's like when you come out as trans... I took a chance, it changed me, it hasn't been easy but it has been worth it... even if you've treated me like I don't exist. I'm really moving past that $#!@!!"

All that sort of response would do is stoke an argument whose outcome would be little different from the current situation.

I have a similar problem with a cousin who is accepting of LGBT people and knows a lot of them. She is a supporter of all LGBT people unless they are related to her. What galls me is that in my case, not only did she start ignoring me, but she also ignores my kids who were very fond of her. My kids are adults with their own lives, phones, emails etc so it is not like my cousin has to go through me to contact them.

I have just let her go. It is easier for everyone and I lack the time or the energy for a crusade.

[warlockmaker]

I have been fortunate that all my family, from 15 year old to 80 years old, accepts my situation but the family has a large percentage that are gays or lesbians, so they are liberal thinkers. I am the first TG and I tend to keep the discussion light hearted, I know we tend to be self centered during this process. On the other hand my SO who originally came out so supportive has been trying to delay my surgeries and is dreading informing my almost 14 year old daughter. Recently asking me not to come to our Villa in Phuket as a female as it would invade her space and privacy.....I got kinda upset, said that she was embarrassed about having a husband that was now a female, which cause an arguement which showed how little she really understood.  So on second thoughts I decided to give her more time, its really hard for those who know us so well before to accept the change.

[KatelynBG]

I'm sorry Grace.

::hugs::

[AnonyMs]

Grace, I'm sorry to hear that. Personally I'd put them out of my life and forget about them, and I think it reflects very well on you that it troubles you so much. You're a decent person.

[suzifrommd]

Although her two older sons know she has decided that her 10 year old daughter should remain in the dark and that I not contact her - as far as my niece knows, she hasn't seen or heard from her "uncle" in 16 months because "he" has gone interstate for work.

This makes steam come out of my ears. One of the worst manifestations of transphobia is this demeaning notion that kids need to be protected from seeing us.

If you come into contact with your niece, don't feel you need to perpetuate or support the lie. You haven't signed up for that.

Hugs Grace. I feel sorry for your sister. She's missing out on a wonderful sister. How many women and girls wish they had a great sister? Here she has one and can't appreciate you. Too bad she has to ruin things for her daughter.

[Ms Grace]

Thanks. Yes, it's a baffling puzzlement to me. I have been supportive of my sister on many occasions, listened to her and been accepting of her through an array of problems and traumas. Whilst that support was lovingly given with no judgement and no strings attached it does feel like she has spat it back in my face.

[rosinstraya]

An oldie but a goodie - she can talk (the tooth rotting) talk, but she sure doesn't walk the walk.

Looks like you've done all you can Grace, at this point. It's hard to know what she thinks her treatment of you actually "achieves". Maybe it just doesn't bear close scrutiny.

Hugs, and hope she can shake herself back to some kind of sense.

[Paige]

Hi Grace,

So sorry to hear about this.  You don't deserve this.  You're such a loving person.  It's really your sisters loss.

This makes steam come out of my ears. One of the worst manifestations of transphobia is this demeaning notion that kids need to be protected from seeing us.

Hi Suzi,

Totally agree.  Perhaps every time one of us encounters one of these vague accusations that transgender people are somehow dangerous to children we should politely insist that they explain exactly what they mean.  I think they get away with these comments because they don't have explain their bigotry.  I'm betting the more you force them to explain their comment the more the comment will look ridiculous.  It might even teach them something.  If not you'll know this person is not worth your time.

Just a thought.
Paige

[iKate]

Wow I am so sad to hear about this, Grace. Maybe one day she will come around, or maybe her children will.

[FTMax]

Ugh, sorry to hear this. I have a few narcissistic relatives who like to post pictures like that on their Facebooks to make jabs at their kids for not keeping in touch, being distant, etc. Maybe if they had been better people, their kids would want to be around more!

Sucks about your nieces and nephews. Perhaps when they're older and out of their mother's house, you can reconnect? Hopefully she'll come to her senses well before then though. She's missing out, and it's unfortunate that she wants to drag her kids down too.

[StartingOver]

Ms Grace, I think your sister is my sister-in-law.

Which makes me what, your sister-in-law too?

[stephaniec]

Sorry. I lost  the only relative that would talk to me when I told her. It was my niece who made the effort to contact me after 20 years then found out I'm trans and decided to stop communicating. She's got two sons that I never met and I got suspicious that she didn't want me to be introduced to them so I sent my best pictures to her when I told her I was trans. I guess she didn't like the pictures.

[Dena]

As you are viewing face book for your sister, that suggest to me you also have a face book account. I would suggest you make it clear as to where you are living and working. Should the children become interested in you and look at your face book information, they will know the truth. There is no reason why you should feel any need to support a lie.

[Shawn Sunshine]

My mom did something like this to me just recently, but kinda reversed in that she posted on her wall in a comment on a photo of hers, where i said she looks pretty and has survived 2 kids and looks amazing still, she took that comment and said "don't air our personal lives on here please"

[JLT1]

Grace,


I'm sorry this has happened.  Its hard but maybe try every year or so to keep the doors open? 

My oldest sister blames all the bad things in her life on being a woman.  A transition to female was a total affront to her psyche.  She actively tried to break up my partner and I.  I send her birthday cards and tell her to call.  It doesn't work..Maybe one day though.

Hugs

Jen

[Mariah]

So sorry this happened Grace. Her post would have been perfect if she was fully supportive. I agree with JLT1 that you should keep the door open in case she has a change of heart in the future. Parents forget that children can actually handles this better than most adults can and as a result shouldn't be excluded but involved just like everyone else. I'm not the only one to transition in my family. One of my mom's siblings did too and as much as my sister was supportive of her, she asked that her daughter not know anything about it which resulted in her having to dress as male around them. Her daughter couldn't be stopped from finding out I was transitioning. She found out by looking over her mother's phone. Anyway what I am saying is keep the door open and maybe somehow subtly drop hints to her that kids can handle this and do so very well. Hugs
Mariah

[Rachel]

Sorry this happened to you. I agree in keeping the door open provided you are not too stressed by the non-response. I think that is worse than a negative response.