Can anyone explain what dysphoria feels like for them? I'm still so unsure.

[MichelleZelda]

Many people have suggested to me that I may in fact be genderfluid, but I don't like that idea at all. I wonder what feeling dysphoric actually is to other people, so maybe I can compare myself to something, even though I know that comparing oneself to others is most often ineffective.

I think I know what I want, but the feelings I have aren't ones that would necessitate transition, just suggest it could be a possibility.

I don't feel feminine a lot of the time, but when I do I LOVE the heck out of it, it feels AMAZING. Most of the time I just feel like a nondescript human. And I'm always trying to justify myself.

[Dena]

Lets try this by the process of elimination. I don't think we can exactly call you CIS male. The other end of the scale is where I am is transsexual and I have only seen a few post from you and I haven't formed a personal opinion if you belong on that end of the scale. If you would like to eliminate it from consideration, go to youtube and request "the transition channel". That will tell you for sure if you belong on my end of the scale or not. If you are not on either end then fluid or non-binary may apply. It is also possible you are just part way between the two and are mix of male and female. This is not so strange because even though I underwent reassignment surgery, a good deal of the male part of me still remains so I am also a mix of male and female. Most people are a mix though not to the degree that you or I are.

[Alexis2107]

Perhaps you are one of the folks that fall in non binary, I have a few non binary friends... and how they cope with it is beyond me.  I will go to their house, they will spend an hour or so dressing up feminine, makeup, hairdo, clothes, etc... then suddenly at last minute, say "f it" and within 10 minutes make them self look dude like ((SO much easier being a guy I guess!!)).. and I ask them, what are you thinking??? and of course, they switch back and forth and it's hard for them to find a middle.  I love them for who they are, and I always try to suggest... and it seems to work, wear something half way both and you can swap back and forth.  I really do empathize with these folks.

On other hand, myself, my dysphoria was when I thought I couldn't transition.  I was stuck as a 'man' for ever and any hopes of going to the woman side was lost.  I thought that reincarnation was the only hope, kill self, perhaps be born again as a female?  Or, am I being punished for being a guy?  No worries...once I spoke to my gender therapist, she said transitioning at any age, including myself, is possible.  Now look at me, nearly a year later, that is my photo on the left.  I think it is the best thing I have ever did in my life for myself and my dysphoria is down since I restart a new life in a new location as my true self. 

I hope you find your way, its a dark path and a lot of soul searching to see where you finally belong.  ((hugs))

[Greeneyes]

I can only speak for myself here. My dysphoria was, and is, an image in my mind of what I think I should look like and the inexorable feeling of dismay I feel at looking in the mirror. It's also a mental disconnection between how I feel ( feminine ) and how I feel I must act ( masculine ). This has subsided since starting HRT, but it still exists. It's like a feeling of being imprisoned within my own body. Unable to be who I truly am due to my natural development and unnatural social conditioning to be the boy I was assigned at birth. It drove me to transition. This is what dysphoria is to me and obviously doesn't mean that anyone else necessarily feels the same thing. I hope you discover what you are feeling.

Hugs.


~Kristen

[KatelynBG]

Honestly gender dysphoria manifests itself differently in everyone, so unfortunately it's not one size fits all.

[Rachel]

Hi,

dysphoria takes many forms and effects people differently. There is body, face, hair, genital, height, voice and movement dysphoria. It is a feeling that it is not right and needs to be corrected. It is a feeling that is pervasive and there all the time. Sometimes it can be in the background. Sometimes it is your every thought. Sometimes it is life threatening. Walking down the street can be painful seeing others and comparing yourself, feeling what should have been. Seeing 4 female friends at work excitedly discussing a book they read in common in a rapid pace in high pitch voices smiling and being themselves. Self mutilation of genitals. Self hatred for not following through with plans, for not sticking to the self ultimatums for not staying the coarse, for hiding and being scared of being yourself.

Off to get some Motrin now.

[KatelynBG]

I used to work in a place where I was the only male. Sometimes the ladies would be gabbing excitedly about something and I'd join in. Suddenly everyone stops and looks at me realizing I matched everyone else's pitch and cadence and vernacular. It happened naturally. Then the shame hits, this is not how a man is supposed to be, why am I feeling sad that everyone stopped? Why am I so beastly and hairy and tall and they get to go get mani pedis and go to hair appointments? Why am I bald? I am a woman, why am I balding? Why am I so freakishly tall? Maybe someday someone will invent a way to make people shorter. Maybe I just have to tough out this life as a man and my female soul will live forever. Oh God what if there is no life after death? What's the point if I can't be who I am in this life? Why am I so upset about being male when I have a gorgeous wife that any man would die to sleep with every night and a beautiful daughter that adores her daddy and another on the way? Why are these feelings flooding me when my pregnant wife needs me the most? Why can't I get pregnant? I am so sad I can never be a mom like the other women.

That's a random sampling of my mental state when my dysphoria hits. But again, it's different for everyone.

[Tamika Olivia]

It's different for everyone, but my experiences are fairly easy for me to lay out. I spend a lot of time thinking about them, because I want to be able to explain them to my parents.

Before I knew what was happening to me, I was depressed, anxious, and apathetic. I felt like my life was wrong, even when things were going right, I felt like I was on the edge of disaster. I didn't want to be alive, even if I didn't want to kill myself, I hoped that I would die in my sleep. I had to monitor every action I took, every thought I had, every word I said for "conformity" to what I thought I was supposed to be. I was afraid to interact with women, because I was afraid that if I acted how I wanted, I would scare them or anger them. I thought about claiming to be gay just so I could be one of the girls. I had no idea how to be a man, so I just made up rules and followed them to the letter. Any deviation was punished with agony and anxiety. My body and my career were only of passing interest. I didn't care if I got fat and died young, I didn't care if I lost my job and had to move in with my parents. It didn't matter, because nothing I was going to do would make me happy.

After I accepted what was happening to me, some of those things got better, because now I have hope. Other symptoms have either emerged, or I've finally got the words to identify them, I'm not sure. I don't look in mirrors unless I'm wearing proper girl clothing. Seeing myself nude or in the man costume makes me want to cry, vomit, and explode all at the same time. I take pains to avoid mirrors in public or in work, because I can't go en femme quite yet. Whenever I'm in the costume, I get raging envy for the women in my life. I want to be them, and I don't know if they know how lucky they are to be women. I die a little inside every time I hear my birth name or a male form of address or pronoun. I want to correct people, even if I'm not out to them. I hate feeling even a small amount of facial stubble (and this week where I have to stop shaving for the laser consult? GAAAAAH). Finally, I'm deeply disgusted by certain anatomical abnormalities below the waist.

[cheryl reeves]

like a few others have said its not a one shoe fits all sort of thing,we whp suffer from g.d. deal with it differently then another would. take me for instance i can keep it at bay by wearing panties or panties and a bra between dressing,i learned to come to terms with the body i was born with even though its fem with male bits attached,it was those bits that allowed me to be a parent to my son.

[MichelleZelda]

I'm very tired right now, but I'm just going to say the thought of me being as I am forever makes me sad... but I'm scared that if I change something it will be just as bad!

[vihar_kitsune]

dysphoria is different for everybody and takes form in different areas eg : height, voice, body hair. It is not the same for everyone and everyone feels it differently about different things.

[Jacqueline]

Ditto what others said about it being different for all.

Depression, anxiety, trouble sleeping, just plain not ever comfortable. Don't recognize myself in the mirror(it's always a surprise and like a trick to see that person do what I am doing) then when I do, I hate it. Cross dressed since I was 8 or so(not in public) but that added additional self loathing, guilt, clothes and personal purging(I will be a real man and a good Christian and never do that again),self worth issues. Don't remember many parts of my life(not traumatized or abused). Have felt joy and happiness but only fleetingly(and was waiting for it to go away).

I never had the I knew I was a girl since I was a child. I just never fit in and questioned why and who I was, never coming to real answers. However, when I did dress, it just felt right.

I can tell you that after a long time, I finally went to a therapist last January. I had realized that whatever the root was, it did not seem to go away. I hoped to be "cured" of cross dressing. I have now come out to my wife and a few friends and am taking small slow steps . Even with all of that being measured and slow, I am in a much better place. I still experience moments of all those descriptions. However, I can see that there can be lightness and hope. It still seems far off at times but I am a much nicer and easier person to be around.

Good luck.

With warmth,

Joanna