Pre-transition, and even during the time that I was on hormones but not full-time yet, my primary feeling was confusion.
Like, basically I knew what I wanted. I knew that I wanted to be female.
But I'd also deeply internalized this sense that I didn't deserve it, this sense of "how in the world can I possibly expect these people who know me as this sex, and have known me that way my entire life, to suddenly see me as the other? How can I possibly expect that from them?" Making the transition felt impossible. And because I was thinking these thoughts on a constant basis, it made me confused. It made me wonder if it was worth it, wonder if maybe this wasn't meant for me, and EVERY single thought that went through my head I took as a sign of whether transition was right for me or not. On days where I had strong dysphoria, I'd be reassured that I was doing the right thing. On days where I was feeling more "meh," however, I'd actually be scared that this meant that my identity was wrong, that I was feeling "gender-neutral" or somehow had gone back to being okay with being male, and I was terrified that this meant that somehow I wasn't a "real girl" or that transition wasn't right for me.
Post-transition, I don't even think about it anymore. Being me, and being the gender that I identify with, is something that I take completely for granted. After a year or so of being full-time, the internal battle just abruptly stopped, and I could finally say confidently that I knew who I was, because I'd reached the point where I couldn't even remember what it was like to be my birth sex anymore. Like, I could remember on a conscious level, but I don't remember it on a heart level. I don't know how to describe it, but I finally just feel like me. I feel like how I've always seen myself, and I'm not bothered by the constant interruptions ringing alarm bells in my head about how my body is wrong and the way other people see me and treat me is wrong anymore.
I simply am.
