Life with a Drunk 36 y/o baby

[RaptorChops]

So I'm just kind of here to vent and maybe get some opinions. I'm 30 y/o and I live with my mom, dad and 36 y/o brother. My brother has issues with alcohol, cross-dressing and seems to have mental issues which the state of Virginia doesn't seem to care about. About 5 months ago my brother was released from jail and he was there for 6 months for DUI. He got out and got a new job and was doing pretty well. He also has an obsessive behavior where he would obsess about the job or the people that work there. Before he got put in  jail he had spurts of drunken episodes which include him crying, howling, burping, dressing up as a woman and taking pictures of himself sucking on dildos. My parents are very supportive with any of our decisions and clearly cross dressing isn't a big deal because I'm FTM.

My parents can never seem to get a day out of the house without him getting into these drunken fits. I live at home because when I moved out my first time I ran into financial issues. My parents wanted me to save money and not be on the streets. So you can already see I have really great parents. Unfortunately they are enabling and can become worried about me but I think it's just because they don't want to lose me since they've already technically lost their other son. I came home today and my best friend who lives with us decided to make ourselves some food. My parents went out of town just for a few hours. As soon as we sat down to eat my brother started howling, burping and yelling nonsense. My parents luckily came home about 10 minutes after I started noticing something wasn't right.

I'm just not sure what to do or how to feel. I'm just really mad and feel really bad for my parents. My brother has done this so many times before. He's gotten verbally abusive to my parents and it got bad when we called the police. They just took him away to a sober cell and basically didn't give two craps after that. He's been to therapists and they do nothing. He's been put in a mental hospital as well and they also did nothing but stole some of his stuff. He was given medication but he refuses to take it. I dunno if anyone has dealt with this, I'm just wondering of he's bi-polar, schizo, or just a straight up drunk. I've asked people before and all they tell me is he's an adult and only he can make his decisions, he's basically a lost cause at this point. I dunno you all can give me an opinion.

PS-Our childhood was not bad at all, there was no abuse nothing. He just got crazy after his first and only girlfriend broke up with him. That I believe was his breaking point..

[Dena]

As you have discovered by now, people only get better when they want to get better. My guess is your brother wouldn't cooperate in therapy so he didn't gain anything from it. The pills he was given most likely would make him very ill if he were to drink so so he didn't want to take them. Most of the time alcoholics need to find a reason to get better and far to often it's because they hit bottom and have nowhere else to go. Alcoholics Anonymous has support group for those who have to deal with an alcoholic in the family and they will be able to provide much more help and information that we can. I suggest the local branch and ask for help.

[RaptorChops]

Thank you for the response Dena. Yeah it's a possibility he didn't take them because of that reason. He is very selfish and very cheap (He doesn't have to pay my parents rent while I do). It bothers me that he doesn't want to get help and continues putting my family through hell. He just doesn't care and it's upsetting to see my parents not do anything but have the same talk with him for the 40th time and then things change for a few months then he's back to being the a-hole he was. It' also very sad because he is REALLY intelligent and use to do a lot of work with computers. Now he's at rock bottom, and works at a clothing retail store part time. He has so much more potential and intelligence instead of trying to get ahead in the retail game. He always looks at himself in a mirror, even during dinner he stares at himself when he talks to everyone. I wonder if maybe he may have Asperger's Syndrome..

All I know is I am moving out in about a month because I'm an adult and I need privacy. I can't have privacy in this house.

[Dena]

You might be right with your diagnosis but I am a little surprised they didn't pick it up in the hospital when he was in it. I tend to agree with you that moving out may be the best thing for you as your parents have decided to let the current behavior continue. Good luck at your new location.

[RaptorChops]

He went to a doctor after he was released from the mental hospital and they told my parents he was bi-polar schizophrenic, that's when he was given medication (that was about 7 years ago). My brother is also a very good liar and "actor" so he can pretend nothing is wrong with him when it comes to people that aren't part of the family. He has said he tried calling to make Dr. appointments before but said "They laughed at him and didn't want to help him" (which is obviously complete BS). I have told my parents they need to give him an ultimatum that if he doesn't get help then he needs to find a rehab center or head for a homeless shelter. Unfortunately they never follow through and nothing happens.  I guess there is really nothing I can do but get myself out of the situation before I go bat crap crazy myself.

[Dena]

Now it's making sense. There is a bipolar on my other primary web site and when he starts drinking, he can become pretty disgusting. One night he was able to produce the foulest thread I have ever seen on the internet and after that night, I decided he should never learn about my history because his reaction will not be pretty.
When he is sober, most of the time he is nice and easy to get along with but he has made two passes at me. Until your brother decides he wants to get better, he won't. My guy has been at it for over 15 years that I know of so I don't have great hope that your brother is going to turn around any time soon.

[RaptorChops]

We thought 6 months in jail would turn him around. It seemed like it did for the past few months but then he was back to it again because he's been off of work due to the store not having hours. So I guess him being bored and not staying busy causes him to mentally start to slip. My friend was telling me people with certain mental illnesses sometimes start to have episodes around the same time of year.

[HoneyStrums]

seasonal depression?

is the time of year rund abut the time of year their ex left them?

[RaptorChops]

[My apologies by the way I don't think I posted this in the right area of the forums says  SOs only woops]

I don't really remember when they broke up but now that I think about it, it could of been. They broke up about 15 years ago and it was a nasty one too. I guess he never really recovered from it but the girl was a total b**ch. She lived with us for a little while and she was an absolute terror. My parents wouldn't listen to me when I told them about how bad she treated me. There was one night where she came into my room and started hitting me. My brother sat and watched, all he did was laugh. She then stole a bunch of my clothes. There was another time where she labeled all of her food and I stole one of her cookies or something and she flipped out on me and threatened to beat me with the phone. I told my parents again and they didn't listen. I have a lot of anger towards my parents because of it and when I told them more recently they said "She did that to you???". Luckily I didn't end up too crazy except for the anxiety and depression. I know they say never wish for someone to die, but I always hoped and wished that she was dead somewhere in a puddle of her own misery. People like that don't deserve to be alive.

about 10 years ago I heard she had moved to New Jersey with her new boyfriend and she had kids. I sometimes feel like I should find her on facebook and tell her how horribly she ruined my brothers life, but I feel it's not necessary any more since she's not in the picture. I wish her only the worst to come and it will or it has.

[JoanneB]

21 is a good age for all sorts of mental issues to come to a peak. The breakup may have been a trigger, but the gun was already cocked and loaded. If it weren't her it would have been something else.

The streets of NYC are a living testament to the revolving door of mental heath treatment. When at a mental hospital, you get your drugs with little chance of not taking them. After a bit you get better, but there are side affects. Once you are no longer "A danger to yourself or others" you are released, given your pills and a scrip. The daemons may have stopped howling but the lethargy,  living in a world made of molasses, and a host of other side affects, along with no down side to it, leads you to stopping the meds.

The cycle repeats, and repeats, and repeats, until someone gets seriously hurt.

In the classic words from AA, he is not going to want to get better until he hits rock bottom. So far he appears to be far from it with mom and dad ready to make excuses and otherwise bail his but out. So that leaves you, as the only adult in the house, with only one sane option.  GET OUT. Get out for your own safety and health. Make sure to tell your parents exactly why, and depending on how uneasy you feel, that you'll likely not come by the house or otherwise visit them with your brother nearby.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference

[RaptorChops]

Thank you Joanne, I plan on getting out of here within a month or so when I find a nice home 2 hours away. I feel a lot of anger towards my parents for allowing him to continue to do these things. I feel like anytime I give my opinion they never listen (that's usually the case with anything I tell them, they don't seem to listen). All they want to do is bail his butt out with anything and let things slide. I can't, for my emotional and mental state, deal with this every month or so. It's physically exhausting especially when my best friend and I are the only ones working 40+ hours a week. I want to come home, relax and enjoy myself but I can't seem to do that. I am very thankful for my parents allowing me to do what I need to do and giving me a free ride with a roof over my head, but when you're 30 years old and you have no privacy AND you have to worry about coming home to someone who may be drunk out of their mind it's very stressful. I have enough stress at work and I don't like coming home to it.