Worse dysphoria.

[ClaireIvene]

 Excuse this post and it's bed writing but it's straight from the heart and soul no editing.


This is a really heartbreaking thing to say and I'm distressed so proper punctiuation, spelling etc will not be implemented. I have been hating no loathing myself and my body more than ever since starting hrt. My disphoria has intensified to the utmost!!  I am constantly coming to the realization of all my cosmetic flaws my body has. All thanks to the two inane faults being an supremely wicked GOD or the horrible flaws of EVOLUTION or my very disappointing genetic makeup. Whatever the deeply sour heart wrenching reason lies the pain and agony I go through looking at myself is astounding. Also hearing my voice whether it be my deep man voice or that fake sounding female voice only when some cosmic freak accident happens do I sound naturally feminine. I would like to state that my body hair is not manly in many places BUT I have exceptions my arms, chest(even around my nipples and on the aereola!!) and my leg hair and their oversized follicles with hairs so close together they look like they could be growing out of the same goddamn follicle! though they are not after tweezing some?!? That leg follicle issue is my worst enemy about myself even after gently exfoliating with a natural loafa, with baby body wash, and using theuruputic shaving cream and gently shaving in the proper direction aswell as pat drying and then applying all natural coconut lotion I still get red bumps and the hair grows back in 4 hours!!!! This is after having been on spiro for 3 months and estrogen for 1 month. Most people see body hair reduction at least slightly by this point but I see the same. I never really payed attention to my follicles before I realized I was trans so I can't say if this has always been an issue with me. Another heartbreaking thing about me is my facial masculinization I see mainly being my lower jaw size. Not to mention my hand size. Basically what I'm getting at is this... when I started being curious about this transition stuff and it seemed soooo happy and promising I neglected I suppose to examine my own flaws deeply and only looked at the positive things of my body I though would make me a beautiful woman. BIG mistake after staring hrt I realize those were fallacies and my physical masculine and just plain weird otherwise aspects are FAR MORE in my true reality. Hrt managed to actually get me hairier in some places not sure if I coincedentally developed some adrenal disorder right around my hrt start time making some body hair worse at the worst times. And I don't got no f------ money for electrolysis on my neck, face, chest, nipples, aerola, legs(which wont get rid of my overly visible follicles anyway) and seemingly arms too YEAH f------right in my goddamn dreams lol!!! I have light hair and ghostly pale skin so Laser is the most impossible thing ever. To the final point is that I'm rediscovering my male side as much as I can and attemting to abolish that drive to be a failing woman with my mental resolve will require lots of thinking over and such but this whole transition ordeal and realizing my feminine shortcoming physically is the worst offense yet in my entire life with everything considered. The only thing that tops the mental trauma I have been experiencing from my own body lately is the fear that that god who wrote the bible is real and how accepting that faith brough back my afterlife fears and uncertainties which that actually outweighs the transition pain honestly. I love you mom and Riki for ruining my f------ life forcing that GODDAMN religion on me in that dreaded F------ year of 2008 of which that cursed year can go to 'Year Hell' if there was one for all I care. So I very sorrowfully exclaim that I am basically not transgender anymore or I'm meditating myself off it. Hahaha, or sob sob sob the only way I'd be a woman now is if I magically sparkly woke up one day as a beautiful woman. I could have been happy with my body the way the bone structure is in general but my follicle disorder don't know if it is minor keratosis pilaris, pili multigemini, or just some weird new evolution or some hormone receptor disease whatever it is it is horrifying. But I did used to have nice legs when I did not shave that is. I might never be Claire again or Elia so don't know what I'll do with this account probably put it to sleep.

I just wanted to share this and it really hurts but my emotions are numbing anyway once again and they have been for a while. So there it is just more sorrow and self hate in my life nothing new.

Mod edit: I understand that you are really upset right now but no dosages or swears please

[Ms Grace]

Hi!

I can really relate to that place you are in right now. Have been there myself in the past many, many times.

In regards to the body hair I think you'll find it will improve but 3 months on Spiro and 1 month on E isn't really much time to see more than the most superficial change. Hair has to go through its growth cycle and fall out before the next cycle is notably effected. You might try waxing instead of exfoliating since that will rip the hair out at the root and subsequent growth should be a bit a lighter. (And yes, you can often have up to three hairs growing out of the same follicle).

It will probably be a few months more on HRT before the changes really start to be noticeable - at the moment your body is probably in the process of changing hormonal gears. Hope you feel a bit better soon.

[Randi]

One month on estrogen really amounts to nothing.  It can take up to six months before things even begin to change.

[kelly_aus]

Yaah, it took around 6 months on hormones and a couple of wax jobs for me to notice any serious change in body hair. And I once mentioned hair around my nipples to a cis friend of mine, she rolled her eyes and said 'Welcome to being a woman..' Apparently, they are not that unusual.

[ClaireIvene]

Thanks for the help and understanding. Yes, Grace I still am doing pretty bad emotionally should try not to examine my body if I can help it as it leads to anger and depression sometimes. I guess I'm a bit to ocd about some details too. So I guess it's not that uncommon to have really visible leg follicles if your really pale like me and you leg hairs are reddish. In any case I need to see a dermatologist and try to find out why my follicles are so easily irritated. I hope I don't have so weird skin or follicle infecton I mean I've seen google images of skin and follicle disorders and I don't look like that thank goodness! I really feel sorry for the people that do have some of those disorders. I cringe and nearly cry when I see those pics. Here are some pics of some people with my 'problem' I hope it's allowed...

http://i.imgur.com/vnWAshc.jpg = multiple hairs seemingly from one follicle.

http://s3.amazonaws.com/f01.justanswer.com/JACUSTOMERvdsrt00f/2011-02-11_090132_11022011093.jpg

visible follicles... mine are exactly this bad.

It is driving my mad never would have though I'd have have these types of problems. Don't want to sound like I'm crying "oh why me!" but seriously this is crazy I sure hope hrt, sugaring eplilating or waxing can help me overtime. I electrolysis will solve it but for the whole leg the price will be a big ouch!

[JoanneB]

It took a good 6 months before I could say HRT really was slowing/stopping body hair growth. 5 Years later it is still slowly working. FINALLY the hair on my knee caps stopped growing, years after my calfs and thighs.

[ClaireIvene]

And thank you Joann B very much. Every single message that provides me with a general time frame of changes helps greatly! Lately as in the last few days I have been WAAAY better my legs are somehow looking better and the follicles seem smaller and lighter... weird? I also did lots of research on if other women had my visible follicles and multiple hairs in one follicle thing and there are.. which made me go "I guess I'm not some kind of freak after all!" It is more common in certain races for white women it's the one with strawberry blonde hair and red hair that have the issue, which I have. I also realized that after other ladies here in this topic said not given hrt enough time to actually decrease my body hair. Most graphs charts or whatever I came across online also state that at 3 months hrt starts influencing the follicles hormone reception like the onset of change and at around 4.5-6 months is when you start seeing changes occur. So needless to say I'm feeling good now and things can only get better if I make them and put my mind in the right places.


By the way I remember when I was still treating my self with herbs that Spearmint Tea was making my body hair come i thinner and lighter. I was drinking like 2-3 cups a day for about a month I just now remembered that. I was not even on spiro yet either. So I'll be continuing my estro and spiro of course and be drinking organic spearmint(lowers free testosterone in blood) consuming lots of whole grains and wheat germ(vitamin b6 androgen antagonist) and rub Vitamin e(androgen antagonist) cream directly on my skin. These should make me REALLY get my issues under control. Looking soooo forward to every new day now .

Thanks everyone for everything bye bye.

[katrinaw]

Hi Claire, it took me (quiet hairy over 11 years ago) 3 years of HRT and consistent epilating to lose my body hair, now I do still have leg hair, upper leg still gets as you describe, elsewhere, its lighter, less dense and downy, e.g lower legs, arms... Back and front are Just about gone, but much of it has been a long haul...

Don't get too hung up on it, there's far worse Dysphoric parts to worry about, well for me 

L Katy

[buttertly]

Hi Claire,

If yoj read this...

I think you made a good decision, because it sounds like you hadn't yet gotten to living full time. I can tell you, that's where the hell starts.

People do evil things to you and all the little things that happen, you can't defend yourself from, so you just have to take it.

I'm physically a very beautiful person, but women can still tell, so they scrutinize me. My neighbor has ruined going in and out of my house. Not a good situation. I feel hen pecked, harrassed.  And believe me, I'm beautiful. Men are very nice to me.