The Drive to Transition.

[Dodie]

Hi Girls,
Having basically arrived at my destination in a short 20 months, I thought I would share my thoughts today on how I am feeling, was feeling and hope to feel in the future.
When I almost transitioned at 30 I remember that feeling of total happiness, the excitement of change that I would one day be me... who I felt I was.  I did not have good therapists back then, they were men.. the cringed at my back hair, said other things to make me feel I would not look worth a ->-bleeped-<-...
About that time my wife heard about a church program for gays and that could help.
So I went all excited to be  cured... Well after a year of really praying.. really trying.. it did not work.. in fact I just pretended it did and wife and I never spoke again about it.. as far as she was concerned it was over.
I even went to church.. knew I would burn in hell after I got my next girl fix if I got hit by a car before next church services.

Fast forward 24 years, I never one day changed. Felt exactly the same.. see a girl with a pony tail jealous, or nail polish.. the whole ball of wax.. to watch TV sucked or a football game.. cheerleaders doing what I should have done..  envious of women... shopping with my wife sucked...
I repressed however my early childhood memories of what I wanted... what I did.. to survive I bought into the theory of the church or public.. I was just some perverted soul that hid his little fantasy.
I was successful in business only because I was in sales and people really liked me.  I always thought how lucky I was to be successful.. however to our demise, to survive I needed distractions.. boats planes cars... all the time buying and selling.. houses too.. never content..  I also ate like a pig...
I once thought God help me if this urge to transition were to ever come back.. It scared me.

So it happens, I had been on about 300 tries at diets and my wife said if you fail this time maybe you should get help.. so i did..
I saw a therapist who I thought would just be a life coach.  Second session was a disaster.. she asked about my fathers death.. then about my childhood... I cried left and that was it.. Bell went off.. I knew all along why I could not diet, but I kept repressing those early childhood feelings...

Now here I am ... a woman.. I lost a marriage of 32 years to the most wonderful woman and beautiful woman you could ever meet in every way.  I put my family through pure hell. 
I was so determined.. nothing in hell was going to stop me from becoming me... nothing.
I am broke now but with an income.. I spent a fortune on FFS, Body sculpting... much of which is on credit cards.. who knows when I will get them paid off.
I have a nice body decent face the whole works.. I am 56.. and I am happy.. sort of??

You see, once you reach the destination its kind of like now what?  So I am cured.. I have to wear a bra.. I am D to DD.........  the thing I always wanted.. I have long hair I do the pony tail thing not for fun but because you need to at times. Yes, I am a woman.. I get hit on by men.. I get doors opened for me.... life is perfect....right?  NO!

You question.. did I really do the right thing.. should I really have given up that wonderful partner for life... that loyal person who loves me so much.. yes we are best friends.. and I could not have survived had that not happened.. I may seem strong but I am weak.. girls.. not strong like so many may think.

The reason I am writing this is to just let new comers know.. get proper therapy.. think hard about this.. I did.. and I still do.. but if I had not and I had done this I don't know how I would feel.. its hard enough as it is.

Being who you are is wonderful.. not living a lie is great.. not having a secret is so freeing.. but being a woman is not easy.... makeup hair clothes, holly cow...... its a part time job to be a woman...

For the young today that transition its not much easier.. once you are who you are its like what was the big deal anyway.. then you live your life.. however my suggestion to the young that transition.. that are truly trans do it.. it never gets better...and one day you will break a bunch of family members hearts.. and your own will break to transition.
I am putting my heart back together one piece at a time... I cry tears of joy and I cry tears of pure sorrow!

My ex will never get over Doug.. I miss him too.. he was so cool.. big dude that filled a room and did not go unnoticed.. bigger than life guy...
Now I am working on the new me... I have no choice...I can't go back.. and would I if I could...... no! But sometimes I wonder if I would.

So why poor my heart out today, simple, It helps me to get it out.. I am crying as I type.. but also I feel I have experience now I need to share.. real emotions.. no sugar coating.

I am no one special, just one of you... I love my sisters and wish you all the best...
Keri AKA Dodie

[Dena]

I agree that therapy is the most important part of the transition. The difference between us is I had a two years of cross living because job loss caused me to run out of money. I didn't have credit cards so my transition was pay as you go. A few months before SRS I came to realize that I was living my dream. I had the life I was after and the depression I had fought with for so long was gone. When the decision came for SRS, it was a simple question for me. Continue living depression free as I was or go back to the male me who was uncomfortable in life. Needless to say, I went forward with SRS and even in the hardest moments of my life, I have not regretted my decision. This only happened because my priority was on finding happiness and not becoming a woman. Yes, being a woman was part of the package, but it wasn't the goal.

Dodie I am sorry you are dealing with this, but I am pretty sure the transition was the right thing for you. It is in you best interest to continue therapy because it is needed for you to see that happiness is in you future and like all people you need to redefine your goal to be happy. It might consist of rebuilding part of your past life or it may be constructing a new life. These are the questions you need to answer and I hope you do find the happiness you seek. It is a very worthwhile goal.

[Dodie]

Thanks Dena,
I think sometimes we question our decisions.. I remember once I decided to transition trying twice to quit... I made it two days off of estrogen at the most..
And It was all because of my love for my wife who loved me so much too..
We actually run a business together and are very close.  Sometimes it just feels like old times.
We spend as much time together as we did when we were married.
I am living with her again.. we sold the other house we bought.. that I was in because she wants me to have my childhood home back when she marries.. I plan on walking her down the isle.
She went on a trip with her someone this weekend.. I know they will end up married, I love the guy, he is  a breath of fresh air when he is around and he and I like each other.

I know some of these feeling I shared come from that trip... I also wanted to share because so many unbelievers out there think this is a choice... so many of us give up so much ...
You are right.. I need to move on.. I am trying.. I go out with girlfriends from High School who support me and have fun.. I like the attention I get... and yes can't wait for GRS... so I can date.
Its hard to erase all you pretended to be in a short time...
I am a woman, I know that... sometimes it pisses me off.. just wish I had been born a normal male.... but those are regrets we can not change.. we can only look to the future.. you are right about that... time to live.  But to live means to embrace the new me.. sometimes its hard..
Keri AKA Dodie

[Mariah]

Dodie, thank you for sharing this. It's so true though that therapy is a hugely important thing to help sort through everything. Seeing your post makes me think back over the last year plus and the life before it and some point you do realize a lot of what happened that was inter related with it was repressed. It was buried away so the sun couldn't find it yet only saw the light of day after transitioning and going to therapy. So much of what you said I can relate to even to this day including my attitude towards reaching my final destination as far as I'm concerned with my transition. You may not feel your someone special, but you are very much an inspiration. You succeeded at accomplishing what you set out to do and that is worth a lot. True credit has come in handy because lets face it hair removal isn't cheap along with everything else from the clothes to the makeup. People look up to what we have accomplished and lets face it despite not starting out when were younger when we got going we moved really quickly with everything we needed to do. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

[Mariah]

Now my chance to pass something along to you. When I started my transition my intent was to hold off on dating tell after having SRS. The thing is things don't always go as planned and I ended up in a relationship before SRS. I told him after the fact about my past, but he didn't have a clue coming in. Fact is leave yourself open to things that may come along because might pass the right person up before you reach SRS. I'm happier for being in that relationship. I think of those stumblings we have and in my case that result in a several year break from my first go at transition to my successful go at this time, but in the end, as you have pointed out, we learn that it's not a choice but a necessity for us to transition. As a result, we live and embrace who we are and that is also why I give you that piece of advice because often we have to live without putting walls and boundaries that we don't need up. We all spent our lives putting walls like those up and lets face it in the end we have to tear them down or more generally they collapse and we have to pick up the pieces along with finding ourselves in the process. Hugs
Mariah

Thanks Dena,
I think sometimes we question our decisions.. I remember once I decided to transition trying twice to quit... I made it two days off of estrogen at the most..
And It was all because of my love for my wife who loved me so much too..
We actually run a business together and are very close.  Sometimes it just feels like old times.
We spend as much time together as we did when we were married.
I am living with her again.. we sold the other house we bought.. that I was in because she wants me to have my childhood home back when she marries.. I plan on walking her down the isle.
She went on a trip with her someone this weekend.. I know they will end up married, I love the guy, he is  a breath of fresh air when he is around and he and I like each other.

I know some of these feeling I shared come from that trip... I also wanted to share because so many unbelievers out there think this is a choice... so many of us give up so much ...
You are right.. I need to move on.. I am trying.. I go out with girlfriends from High School who support me and have fun.. I like the attention I get... and yes can't wait for GRS... so I can date.
Its hard to erase all you pretended to be in a short time...
I am a woman, I know that... sometimes it pisses me off.. just wish I had been born a normal male.... but those are regrets we can not change.. we can only look to the future.. you are right about that... time to live.  But to live means to embrace the new me.. sometimes its hard..
Keri AKA Dodie

[Dodie]

Mariah,
I will keep that in mind.... and keep an open mind.. Even though I like men its hard to pull that wall down and really be who I am... I used to be that dude... the bouncer dude... macho.. now I am not.. so it will be hard...
Thanks so much for the advise girl
Keri

[Dena]

After all these years, there is still a bunch of that dude in me but we live together in harmony. The best example of it was one night when I was out for a walk, I watched a man and a woman in an argument. I wasn't sure if they knew each other so I stopped and was ready to get into the fight if the man did anything against the will of the woman. It had a happy ending as she left with a smile on her face. I wasn't really risking much because at 6'2" I was a fair amount bigger than the guy and the girl was far smaller than that but it was a guy thing to do.

As much pain as I had before treatment, there is still much I learned and memories from the past that I still value. The only thing that is gone is the pain. You need to find the mix of both of you that you are comfortable with and don't try to eliminate the past.

[Emily R]

Keri,

I know the feelings you have and I undertand them.

61 years old, married to the best and most lovely wife in the world for 42 years, my high school sweetheart! and although we had some issues with intimacy like she said "we decide to not address them". I Never really knew until earlier this year that I was transgender, always though that it was just crossdressing.

Now, neither wants to split and we plan to make it work as a lesbian couple or just "good friends" when I go ahead and finally transition according to the plan in 3 to 4 years.   We will see, and I pray that we stay together as I would hate to be alone at 65...

I wish that I had let myself see the reality when I was a teenager and transition back then, instead of in the future where I will be an old lady wishing to be who I should have been, a full female life with the PROS and CONS that it entails...

Coming out in our youth would have take a lot of courage that I did not have, and in my case i put it aside in my mind and threw the key away. Your learn this instictively the first time you are caught wearing a woman article of clothing and by the comments putting down those dressed on movies or the street and become stealth.

You have already take the big step and will do fine, me on the other hand still have a few years of hiding, surviving and envying every time I see a woman.

Best of life!   

PS:  I was going to say good luck, but you have changed your life the way you feel you want to live it and that takes guts, NOT luck.

Your friend,

Emily.

PS2:  We share a friend that is now in Thailand recovering from GRS and I also think very highly of her.

[KristinaM]

Dodie!  Thank you so so much for pouring out your soul like this.  These forums are almost as good as any therapy you'll ever get, if you use the resources presented here properly at least.  It's been many years since tears fell onto my keyboard, but I'm remembering those moments now, and I really miss them as sadistic as that sounds.  It was a time when I was emotionally free.  Free to be myself, and I didn't even know what that meant!  Oh if I had only discovered transsexualism back then over a dozen years ago!

Keep your head held high.  You've been walking this path for nearly 2 years.  Cis-girls have their entire childhood to get used to the daily woes of getting ready ready in the morning and pulling together outfits.  You'll be just fine, but just like everything else in this world worth having, it takes time.

Hugs and kisses, we are all so thankful for you and your perspective, the journey you've walked so far, and we will always be supportive of you!

[Dodie]

Girls love the support and the responses.. they are so helpful.. I will elaborate more when I have more time to sit and think...
I am doing better now... my ex is home from her trip.. gave me a big hug said how much she loves me always no matter who she is with.. our love will always be special.. of course we both cried.. ugh!!
So talk later... nice evenings everyone.
Love
Keri

[Rachel]

Keri, I have tears in my eyes reading the posts, hugs.

You are a special person and I am sure you will find a special person to share yourself with openly, honestly and fully. One that allows you to be vulnerable and loves you for it. 

[kim d]

Hi Keri

Thank you for sharing your experiences. A friend of mine lost a wife, children, and home, in pursuit of her dream. For many years she wondered if the decision taken was the right one. Now life is good, after grs she met a handsome,  but much younger guy (40 is not too young!).  Her sex life is better than ever and the dreams have become a reality. This could happen to you!  You are intelligent and beautiful. Incidentally, she was invited to the ex wife's wedding and they are now friends!

Make the most of your good fortune, the surgery may have been expensive, but the results are fantastic. Love Kim x 

[Dodie]

Thanks Kim,
Thats what my wife thinks will happen... and my therapist... I am keeping my expectations low so I don't get hurt.. I just want to have jun and live my true self life.. That is an amazing story BTW so wonderful.
Keri AKA Dodie to my immediate family.

[Stanna]

  Keri, thank you so much for posting about your transition in a very real and introspective way. I think you are just as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside!
  I believe for me it is very important to hear about the questioning and doubts during and after transition as it helps to keep the rose colored glasses a little clearer.
  Stay strong Keri and I wish you a fun and enjoyable life.
 
  Hugs,   Stanna

[Dodie]

Stanna and all the girls who responded,
Love you girls.
I am back to normal now.. just happy to be a woman.. so happy to be a woman.. omg .. like so happy! 
I think my WTF moments will become farther apart than ever as time goes on.. Changing Gender is such a windy road.. with peaks and valley's.. its hard. 
For me.. the therapy saved my life.. I know how to cope.. I know what Doug's days were like... and now I know what my days are like.. I don't spend energy wishing I were me.. a woman.. I just spend time being a woman.. which is also hard.. LOL... but I love it..
Keri