Exhausting

[Mariah]

When I first started I went to an extreme standard that I held myself to. I felt I needed to do that to pass to level without question to other people, but myself too. It's completely normal for you to worry about your looks. The point at which you will finally feel satisfied is the point when you see in the mirror the person you know you are and the point at which you become comfortable with who you are. When you reach that point you will know it. For me it took lots of hair removal and hormones to get there. It's like today I had an appointment at the dentist and was debating on wearing makeup or not to the appointment. The only reason I chose to wear it today was to even out the skin tone because sometimes one area gets a bit red and doesn't allow for an even skin tone without the foundation on. Work on finding the right combination that will allow you to be comfortable and happy. Then take the steps you need to in order to achieve that. Hugs
Mariah

Well, it kind of bothers me that I worry so much about my looks post transition. What do looks matter if I can be myself, right? But they do matter. At least at this point. And that's another reason I need to find som real-life transsexual friends, because most of the cross-dressers I met last week didn't even bother to shave, and looked exactly the way I absolutely do not want to look. I'm glad they feel happy and satisfied with that level of femininity, but it's just not going to cut it for me.

I keep my fingers crossed for a good connection with the gender therapist when we meet in mid-September. I got a positive impression over the phone.

[Obfuskatie]

I'm pretty sure it's still required in Sweden. But obviously I'd love it if I were mistaken.

That's interesting. What is w/e short for? I've (almost) never smoked, and I have a fairly healthy lifestyle, so at least I'm not at a high risk of cardiovascular complications.

I'm sorry someone said that to you. Words can do such damage.

That is my experience too.

I discussed this with my wife yesterday, and we concluded that the person in my family that is likely to have the best reaction is actually my grandmother. She is born in the 30's, but she places such pride in being progressive, I think  she'll have my back from the get-go. My parents will support me too, but probably with a lot more questions and worries. Anyway, I absolutely see your point, but I feel like I want to know more about what direction I'm moving in before I come out to my family. I want to be able to provide better answers to those questions about what happens next.

Yeah, I should have prefaced it by saying in the U.S. But the WPATH standards of care are more or less worldwide, so I have no idea.
W/e is shorthand for whatever. There's a long list of lots of scary sounding things like blood clots and specific kinds of clots, you know like a pharmaceutical drug commercial. But the listed side effects are gleaned from an entirely different population without our circumstances and used for a different purpose. Essentially, avoid potassium, alcohol and cigarettes if you want to go on HRT. Don't get diabetes either, I'm pretty sure it's contraindicated with Spironolactone, but I'm not sure.
Yeah... it's one of many reasons she and I have no relationship anymore.
That makes sense, figuring out your plan beforehand. But don't overshare every little detail of your plan to those you come out to, I've found that the more they are invested in your happiness and well-being the less comfortable they are about hearing a laundry list of minutiae you've already set in stone without consulting them. It can be overwhelming for them, so just give them bite sized status/plan updates after coming out. Also, don't be surprised if any of them need time to go through a mourning process. The first thought for a lot of people have is that they will lose you, not gain a happier more confident version of you.


     Hugs,
- Katie
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[JoanneB]

What was it that made you feel transition wasn't for you the first two times? Do you plan to transition someday? I saw that it says "third time's the charm" under your avatar...

I am a former fatty with a ton of self image and self esteem problems as well as having had nearly a lifetime of "being a target". A few trips out into the real world were always too much salt in a still open wound as I hear snickers, get stares, or worse. No way did I want to sign up for a lifetime of that

It is an amazing thing to meet other TG's and see how similar our thoughts and troubles are. I'm thankful to be living in a time where the internet allows me to do so with such ease. But I'm also working on finding a real life support group.

Where I was it wasn't easy. Months spent on Google searching in an ever greater radius trying to avoid that 2-3 hr drive to DC or Pittsburgh, or Philly. Eventually I found my second family and a couple of angels to save me some 90 miles away

Obviously I worry about my wife not being attracted to my body after a transition, but she probably has rather different opinions regarding masculinity than your wife does. While her standpoint is more philosophical than practical, she'd probably describe herself as misandrist. Male traits have never been valued very high in our household.

You'll be hard pressed to find a woman with views on 'masculinity' like my wife's. She is about 25 years post-op.

I'm very glad to hear your life is working better, but I'd love to better understand what changes you have made. Is it largely acceptance that has gotten you to where you are? Or was HRT the major game changer? Or something entirely different?

A lot of thanks goes to my wife who had tried for many many years to open my eyes to so many things in the world around me. She is a into metaphysics and a spiritual person as well as having looked death in the eye a few times starting at age 14 being told she'll never live to see her 21st birthday. The three times I came within a hairs breath of dying I generally had the WTF Why not? Absurdity of life response to living. Having waaaaayyyyy too much free time on my hands a few years back I took what she has been saying to heart, did a lot of reading, a lot of self examination, got out of my "comfort zone" I was able to stay comfortably within thanks to the job(s) I had. A ton of self help books, and videos later as well as help from a special angel in my TG Support Group, a few things began to penetrate my very thick skull.

You're saying HRT has been emotionally addictive to you. In what way? As in it makes you feel better while you're on it, or as in you experience withdrawal symptoms when you don't?

My first 3-4 years of struggling have been filled with PLENTY of WTF am I Doing meltdowns. In the past when on low-dose the overwhelming drive to just be 'Normal' always led me to stopping as things downstairs got affected while being in a long term relationship with an SO. I knew all too well with my wife how much this 'exploration' affected her. My CD escape days were bad enough, with her seeing Joanne for days afterwards. 'Bumps on your chest' or working towards it, is a whole nother level of escalation. But the personal growth and positive personality changes have alleviate those feelings of her some

My wife and I always adhered to one guiding principal. That is the other's happiness is foremost. We both come from dysfunctional alcoholic families. No way did we ever want to see things get that bad between us. Early on during my meltdowns I would say I'd stop HRT as well as the rest of the craziness. She would always insist NO. Don't you Dare! A response I was glad to hear. Being on HRT always made me feel better. After 6 months and a lot of things starting to click in my life I really didn't want to stop. The few times I did for a few weeks was absolute misery.

While I absolutely see where you're coming from, I kind of wish I felt that overwhelming need to transition. If I knew that transition is what I need to do to stay alive, I imagine I would experience a lot less doubt. Do I want to live? Yes. Therefore: transition. It would also be a much easier sell to my wife and family than the current "sure, I probably could live like this for the rest of my life, but it doesn't feel right".

I am so Thankful while at the same time totally hating not having the overwhelming feeling that I NEED to transition. I love what I do for a living and don't want to risk that on top of my wife's medical needs (Long story). After a few years of a lot of introspection, hard work, self discovery, and the joy of finally feeling like a real person; I achieved pretty much all what set out to 6 years ago. Finally these two great and seemingly disparate aspects of myself are conjoined into one mostly happy and health person. I lived part time as female for a few of those six years and hope to do so again as soon as circumstances permit me to. Right now I am generally at the 90% happy being who I am and my life point. Pretty good compared to the 10% I would have given it. Gender ID is an important aspect of it, but not the only, and not an overwhelming one. Can I continue to be happy as things are now? I think yes. If I do a full transition what do I gain vs what I may loose? What I do for a living is so much a part of me. I already know all too well the pain of loosing that part of me. (part of my hitting bottom 6 years ago). As well as I know the pain I'd feel loosing my wife, and our shared hopes, wishes and dreams.

If I can be sure of having it all, I'd go for it. Even if I can't have it all, like the totally unknown just how long my wife will stay on this roller-coaster, I'd still take that chance. She has always been a free spirit and that spirit is a a good part of why I feel in love with and still love her for. If I loose her and my totally fun job, I know I'll be spending too much quality time looking at the bottom of a bottle, packing on the 100 lbs I am glad I lost, and hating myself for daring to think I can have a dream. The grand finale being an evaporated fireball of a car crash one late night on a stretch of interstate I cannot believe is laid out as it is.

And then.... there are the darker days when I think I can't keep this up any longer. The worse these days tend to be after being able to be out in the real world as the real me. Much more painful now that they are a month or more apart vs the pain I had almost weekend taking off my nail polish after having spent the weekend as me.

Perhaps it is "The Big Picture" me. Perhaps the scared me. Perhaps the "Don't have a clue who I really am me" that keeps me on the path I am. But much like being trans, I don't dwell on the "why". The situation is what it is. The real problem is what can I and what am I going to do about it.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; The courage to change the things I can; And the wisdom to know the difference. Wisdom is the hard part.

[takotsubo]

When I first started I went to an extreme standard that I held myself to. I felt I needed to do that to pass to level without question to other people, but myself too. It's completely normal for you to worry about your looks. The point at which you will finally feel satisfied is the point when you see in the mirror the person you know you are and the point at which you become comfortable with who you are. When you reach that point you will know it. For me it took lots of hair removal and hormones to get there.

It's like today I had an appointment at the dentist and was debating on wearing makeup or not to the appointment. The only reason I chose to wear it today was to even out the skin tone because sometimes one area gets a bit red and doesn't allow for an even skin tone without the foundation on. Work on finding the right combination that will allow you to be comfortable and happy. Then take the steps you need to in order to achieve that. Hugs
Mariah

The idea of living as a woman without passing seems impossible to me now, but I don't know... back when I had an eating disorder the idea of being happy in a body that wasn't dangerously underweight seemed impossible. Perspectives change. And I do feel more comfortable with my reflection already. Today I'm going shopping for makeup to cover my beard shadow. Scary, since I'm going to need to ask the clerk for help, but I think it could be a big step towards feeling better about myself.

[Mariah]

It's definitely a big step, but most places are really good at helping so you will be in good hands. Hugs
Mariah


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[Martine A.]

@OP
Dear, I hear you on multiple accounts. Personally it is hard for me to imagine a trans person wouldn't wish they just were born as cis.

I'm exhausted with thinking every time I see a woman roughly my age: "I'd trade bodies with you in a heartbeat".

Here I can offer alternative views -- one personal and one general.

Myself, I will always admire beautiful women. But my ego is too strong to actually want to swap lives or bodies with anyone. It would feel like giving up and deserting. And my ego won't accept that. On the other hand, there is also that part of cis female population that I can't imagine someone would like to trade bodies with. I seem to also notice them and thank dear god for not putting me in one of those bodies. It comes down to focusing at what I have first. Then on what I might have, and finally being aware of what I probably won't ever have.

But in the bigger picture, there are so many women with sure less than admirable bodies. It all comes down to how they present. That is what still makes them recognized as women. And that is my card too. When I get clocked anyway, I am like -- give me a break, I am doing my best here, so can you give me a hand and just leave me be??

[takotsubo]

I am a former fatty with a ton of self image and self esteem problems as well as having had nearly a lifetime of "being a target". A few trips out into the real world were always too much salt in a still open wound as I hear snickers, get stares, or worse. No way did I want to sign up for a lifetime of that

I'm sorry to hear that. Do you feel better about yourself nowadays?

You'll be hard pressed to find a woman with views on 'masculinity' like my wife's. She is about 25 years post-op.

She must have a good understanding of your situation then, even if she isn't thrilled by it?

A lot of thanks goes to my wife who had tried for many many years to open my eyes to so many things in the world around me. She is a into metaphysics and a spiritual person as well as having looked death in the eye a few times starting at age 14 being told she'll never live to see her 21st birthday. The three times I came within a hairs breath of dying I generally had the WTF Why not? Absurdity of life response to living. Having waaaaayyyyy too much free time on my hands a few years back I took what she has been saying to heart, did a lot of reading, a lot of self examination, got out of my "comfort zone" I was able to stay comfortably within thanks to the job(s) I had. A ton of self help books, and videos later as well as help from a special angel in my TG Support Group, a few things began to penetrate my very thick skull.

Well, the metaphysics and the spiritual aren't going to do much for me – I'm a devoted Skeptic. But even so, some self examination and getting out of my comfort zone could probably help me too.

My first 3-4 years of struggling have been filled with PLENTY of WTF am I Doing meltdowns. In the past when on low-dose the overwhelming drive to just be 'Normal' always led me to stopping as things downstairs got affected while being in a long term relationship with an SO.

Are the sexual side effects of HRT inevitable? I know testosteron has a central function for sex drive, but I mean, most cis women have no problems with that. Are trans women affected differently by similar blood concentrations?

Being on HRT always made me feel better. After 6 months and a lot of things starting to click in my life I really didn't want to stop. The few times I did for a few weeks was absolute misery.

Okay, now I understand better what you mean. To me that sounds like HRT has a lot of good effects in your life, and that symptoms return when you go off the hormones. When you said HRT could be addictive I thought you meant in the way e.g. bensodiazepines are addictive - where your nervous system adapts and going off the drug induces symptoms that weren't there in the first place.

I am so Thankful while at the same time totally hating not having the overwhelming feeling that I NEED to transition. I love what I do for a living and don't want to risk that on top of my wife's medical needs (Long story). After a few years of a lot of introspection, hard work, self discovery, and the joy of finally feeling like a real person; I achieved pretty much all what set out to 6 years ago. Finally these two great and seemingly disparate aspects of myself are conjoined into one mostly happy and health person. I lived part time as female for a few of those six years and hope to do so again as soon as circumstances permit me to. Right now I am generally at the 90% happy being who I am and my life point. Pretty good compared to the 10% I would have given it. Gender ID is an important aspect of it, but not the only, and not an overwhelming one. Can I continue to be happy as things are now? I think yes. If I do a full transition what do I gain vs what I may loose? What I do for a living is so much a part of me. I already know all too well the pain of loosing that part of me. (part of my hitting bottom 6 years ago). As well as I know the pain I'd feel loosing my wife, and our shared hopes, wishes and dreams.

/.../

Perhaps it is "The Big Picture" me. Perhaps the scared me. Perhaps the "Don't have a clue who I really am me" that keeps me on the path I am. But much like being trans, I don't dwell on the "why". The situation is what it is. The real problem is what can I and what am I going to do about it.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; The courage to change the things I can; And the wisdom to know the difference. Wisdom is the hard part.

Wisdom to know the difference is indeed the hard part. Still, being at a point where you feel 90 % happy with yourself and your life sounds like a pretty good situation. A lot better than many cis people I know. Feels good to know that you were able to reach that place without transition. Makes me feel more like I have options.

[takotsubo]

It's definitely a big step, but most places are really good at helping so you will be in good hands. Hugs
Mariah


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They seemed to find covering a beard shadow a bit of challenge. It didn't appear to be a common request. but I love how they did not even raise an eyebrow at the fact that I wanted to. Makes me very happy to live in this city and this decade.

[takotsubo]

Myself, I will always admire beautiful women. But my ego is too strong to actually want to swap lives or bodies with anyone. It would feel like giving up and deserting. And my ego won't accept that.

Maybe I'll try to channel my ego and my stubbornness, then. They sure do apply to other situations, so why not this one?

On the other hand, there is also that part of cis female population that I can't imagine someone would like to trade bodies with. I seem to also notice them and thank dear god for not putting me in one of those bodies. It comes down to focusing at what I have first. Then on what I might have, and finally being aware of what I probably won't ever have.

Yes, of course there are. And while I dislike so many things about my body (the fact that it's male, that I have a lot of body hair, that I'm tall and my shoulders wide, and so on...) I'm also thankful of things like a full head of hair, a lean body type, and a relatively feminine face. So I'm trying to be aware of what I have working for me, and I'm slowly moving into the realm of figuring out what I might be able to change for the better. I guess the hardest part is accepting what I will never have.

[Vanny]

Dealing with dysphoria is mentally and emotionally exhausting. I have found that going for your dreams can help with dysphoria and provided hope. A gender therapist is a good start. HRT can be tried for 4 months to see how it helps. Going to group helps by meeting others that are like yourself and are dealing with the issues.

I have yet to meet a trans person that wants to be trans. Every trans person I have meet wants to be themselves.

It took me going to the edge to realize I just want to be myself and doing something about it.

Although I am happy with my male parts and not happy with my lack of female parts (at all , AT ALL) I am becoming more and more frustrated with my situation.  I like me being both sexes.  I only like females and that is fine with me.  Strange when I don't fit anywhere, that includes friends and their feelings.  I don't know if others feel this way but being myself is the best, whilst being around others is exhausting because it usually is being around folks that are either not aware, ignorant of others feelings in these matters or anywhere in between. Thank goodness I have a great wife who is fully understanding and rolls with the punches.  So far...


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