Hi I am New, I have some questions.

[Stella Sophia]

Hey girls,

Glad to finally have signed up and be part of this community. A quick bio on me, my name is Stella Sophia I have been 29 for a couple years *wink* I am MtF and am married to a beautiful cis woman who accepts me. I have identified as female my whole life but decided to transition this year and have been on HRT for 3 months and just about living full time (still have some loose ends). My family is mostly accepting but they have a ways to go, all in all I feel really good about where I am at in life and feel like I am cute presenting as a female (never cute/passable enough however) but I am left with some issues I can't seem to understand about myself.

1.) What are my hobbies and likes/dislikes? I grew up playing a lot of video games, and I was very involved in online communities all throughout my teens and 20s and now I find myself avoiding them, absolutely repulsed by a lot of it now, it has zero attraction to me. I reason this is due to me trying to express my gender identity online as female, and now that I am doing that in real life, what I thought were my hobbies are actually not. I can't really think of what my hobbies are other than wanting to wear make up and go shopping all the time and 'be a girly girl.'

2.) What makes me ME? As said above, I felt like the hobbies and things I liked to do that made me who I was were all things that mitigate the dysphoria, thus I feel like being trans is what makes me who I am. Is being trans my defining characteristic? How do I discover the woman that I am, how do I discover who I want to be?

3.) How do I fill the void of a female youth? Transitioning at 32 (ok there I said my age) I feel like super happy and more fulfilled than ever before, but I feel a part of me is missing, and that is my female childhood, teenage years, carefree twenties, and so on. I feel that my personality is built upon a lie, an actor's lie, some guy's life. How do I define who I am when I have no history and cannot really identify with the hobbies and likes/dislikes I once had. I feel like I am a totally new person and I don't know how to discover who she really is, but only that I am happy being her.

4.) Validation from straight men. I am mostly lesbian but for some reason I want straight guys to be attracted to me, I want their validation even though I know this is meaningless, my head can tell me that I need validation only from myself, yet my heart yearns for the affirmation of a straight cis man and I can't get past this.

5.) A darker turn. This is where it gets a little dark, I feel like I want to put myself into dangerous situations, I live in Idaho in a complete hick town that people give me weird looks all the time and my wife never lets me go out alone, we do all our business and work the next state over WA state, which is not too far from where I live. I feel these urges to get all dressed up and go to the local hick bars when my wife is asleep late in the night. I am certain that I will get harassed and abused in some way, yet I desire this, I almost want that to happen. My wife doesn't know this I couldn't tell her that as she would freak out, but why do I have that desire? Why do I want ignorant cis people to abuse and harass me? I am worried I am going to put myself into a seriously dangerous situation.

Other than these questions, I am feeling pretty happy about who I am and excited about enjoying the rest of my life as the openly female self that I have always felt inwardly, I just need some help from you experience ladies. Luv ya!

A quick rundown on my previous life. I was never happy with who I was, I never developed self esteem or identified with what I saw in the mirror. I was raised fundamental Christian, I have 3 brothers and a sister, we were raised very traditional and far Right Wing views and intolerance to all things queer and "sinful". I was self hating for a lifetime and suicide was always on my mind more and more frequent which ultimately caused me to have to transition and choose life over death. My family is stearn and for now they tolerate me, my dad however doesn't talk to me anymore. I feel I may have daddy issues in someway. That's my background for those of you with psyche majors.

[AnonyMs]

Hi,

I'm a bit different, so I don't have much to say, but your point 5 is worrying. I don't have any experience like this, but not doubt others here have. It is something related to suicide?

People generally say to see a therapist. Personally I've found it really helpful, and something I always look forward to. I think you should.

[Laura_7]

Here are some resources that might help:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,193403.msg1724539.html#msg1724539

You might think about counseling...

imo the thing with the danger is some kind of not fully acceptance on your side... like a feeling for being shamed...
together with a hope for being accepted...
many people now say being tg has biological connections, to do with brain development before birth...
so its nobodys fault, and there is no need for being shamed or whatever...

imo you might try to get a handle on this:
-an inner acceptance. Things are as they are. No need to be punished or whatever.
-expecting to be accepted, and exuding femininity... just feeling good with it, without exaggeration. This way people should accept, and you might feel well without feeling the need to exaggerate.


a therapist should help...
and there are helplines if you feel like it... they also have a chat...
http://glnh.org/hotline/ (this is the national lgbt helpline)
http://translifeline.org


hugs

[Obfuskatie]

Hi and welcome!

It's pretty normal to have regrets and feel like you not only missed out on some things, but also that kernel of dis-ingenuity. (Not sure if that's a word but whatevs). Try to look at it this way, we are all a product of both environment and the core of ourselves. Trans people who transition as adults have spent too much time focusing on their environment and less time nurturing and expressing their core selves. It will take time, practice and experience to cope with this, but transitioning is a big step.[emoji4]

Try not to discard all the things you used to do, you don't have to be the opposite of the male version you posed as for so long. There are parts of you that will always be the same after and while transitioning. However it's a great time to reevaluate whether you liked each aspect or activity and why. Experimenting with your newfound femininity is very fun and good, but try not to embody a stereotype. Be yourself, stay safe, and give your wife a ton of affection for being accepting and supporting you so much. Frak those bars though. [emoji135]

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. As one who has seen a few 29 birthdays after my rebirth I may be able to give you a little longer view of things.

1. You are currently working on transitioning and that is your main interest. Past hobbies and interest may not interest you at the moment. For me it was temporary for most of my interest and after I ended the transition, I resumed many of my past interest and added a few new ones. Just be open minded about this and understand many so called male pass times are enjoyed by women as well so go with your interest and not the gender associated with it.

2. You are redefining who you are and what you will be. If you are treated correctly, you will pretty much lose the dysphoria before you have surgery. This is important in the decision for surgery because the surgery changes nothing in your life. What your life was before surgery will be what your life will be after surgery. I had a few month before surgery were I had reached the comfort level with myself that I knew I could continue to live with out surgery and be pretty happy. I still went through with surgery because I know I would never return to the male role and I wanted to finish off the process of becoming a female. Because I was ready before surgery, I never regretted my decision for surgery.

3. My male history is a part of me. In a way I have it worst that you because and age 13 I knew what I was and I knew becoming a woman was in my future I never developed socially, never had that first kiss or even held hands romantically. You have much that I will never have even though it was as a male. Keep those memories and understand that they made you the person you are today. You don't have to share them if you don't want to. I find many times was in a conversation like that comes up I can say very little and draw from what I know without exposing anything I don't want to.

4. At this point you are experimenting with the role and you should be careful. In transitioning, we need to overcome the restrictions that society places on us and we discover were aren't as we once were. Many times peoples  sexual preference flips or they discover they are Bi. Sometimes they have a quick experiment that settle down into the role they are comfortable with. CIS people sometimes do this early in their sexual life but as you are in a relationship with you wife, don't risk anything that might cause problems between you.

5. This one I don't like. Women sometime like to hang around with the bad boy for the excitement and that sounds like what you are doing. Don't forget you are now a woman and if you are discovered, you could end up with the life beaten out of you. We even more that CIS women have to be aware of the dangers around us because there are people who are highly offended by us and they hang around the places you want to go for excitement.

You may be doing this to add to the excitement of the transition or for some other reason but if you are unable to stop, talk to you therapist about this. We want you alive, happy and healthy. This form of adventure is not the way to remain so.

[V M]

Hi Stella 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

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Hugs

V M

[Mariah]

Hi Stella, welcome to Susan's. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

[katrinaw]

Big warm welcome to Susan's Stella

Lovely that you have family support, that's a massive big step forward for you. As far as regrets for not doing it all sooner, yeah I am 62 and knew at 4 who I really was, but there was no knowledge and support, so you learn to live with it, until, one day, when you have all these online resources, then you realise wow, I am not alone, relief and planning shortly follows, for me I am about to undo all the years of hiding with my family.... hence why you are in a good place.

Regrets, yeah I have heaps, knowing what I know now, but not way back then!

Lovely to have you here and look forward to seeing you around the forum's

L Katy 

[Stella Sophia]

Hi ladies thanks so much for the support and the replies, that was very helpful and made me do some thinking. I am glad to see I am not the only one with these struggles (I figured I wouldn't be)
In regards to number 5 I have been thinking about it, I realize after some discussions with my wife (who has a psychology degree) that my deep rooted thinking here has to do with my daddy issues, as my dad is the only one in my family unaccepting of me. So I feel like I intentionally want to be put into dangerous situations for some reason due to that. I don't know *shrug*

I'm stuck in the land of ignorance and I swear I am the only trans girl in this state, but thank you so much all of you chatting with me and offering support and advice, I hope to return the favor! 

[Dena]

Images need to be stored on another server like photo bucket and linked with the insert image button you will find on the posting page. Just make sure it's not offensive or your post will be deleted pretty quickly.

I am in Arizona had had to leave the state for medical care. Today, everything I would need is located with in about 40 mile of my current home. Unless you live in Alaska, I suspect there is help available somewhere.

By the way, your account will remain locked until you get 15 quality post. At that time you will be able to customize your post and upload an avatar.

[Stella Sophia]

Images need to be stored on another server like photo bucket and linked with the insert image button you will find on the posting page. Just make sure it's not offensive or your post will be deleted pretty quickly.

I am in Arizona had had to leave the state for medical care. Today, everything I would need is located with in about 40 mile of my current home. Unless you live in Alaska, I suspect there is help available somewhere.

By the way, your account will remain locked until you get 15 quality post. At that time you will be able to customize your post and upload an avatar.

Oh okay thank you!

By the way, my nipples really hurt, does that mean my boobs are finally growing?

[Dena]

Oh okay thank you!

By the way, my nipples really hurt, does that mean my boobs are finally growing?

That is one of the complaints about HRT and it indicates you are responding. They don't do that all the time but you will find you have a new sensitive spot on your body you need to be careful about. It's the reason they invented Bras and before that corsets and other female attire. It is one of the advantages of small boob in that you don't have to be as careful with them.

[gennee]

Hello Stella and welcome to Susan's.

[destinysummerfield]

I so greatly agree with all Thorne hints especially number 5

Sent from my Z970 using Tapatalk

[Stella Sophia]

So now I am just feeling frustrated like I feel like I can never get srs done its so expensive and how do you wait that long? I hate my guy chin and how tall I am. *sigh* sorry just needed to vent.

[Dena]

It took me 8 years from first therapy visit to surgery with my treatment pretty much pay as you go. While my surgery cost was around $10,000, my yearly income was around $24,000 so surgery was a big chunk of change. The total for me was between $30,000 and $40,000 for everything related to the transition. SRS shouldn't be your goal because it won't change anything in your life. Your goal should be a happy life and that is what RLE will bring you. By the time you are ready to make the decision for surgery, you should pretty much have everything you are looking for.

As for the guy chin and height. I have a strong jaw, I am 6'2" high but my biggest problem was a voice that couldn't be pushed into the feminine range. Even with those restrictions, I was accepted as a woman even though others may have suspected otherwise. You may not be able to have everything at first so decided what you want on the short list and work toward that goal. In my case, voice surgery wasn't available for a long time but I just knocked that off my list about a month ago. 

[Laura_7]

So now I am just feeling frustrated like I feel like I can never get srs done its so expensive and how do you wait that long? I hate my guy chin and how tall I am. *sigh* sorry just needed to vent.

Well it might get covered...
mere and more are covering it...


hugs