Transitioning is a scary term

[Molly Frances]

I'm brand new to this forum, and will be seeing a therapist for the first time this week.
While I am drawn to the idea of transitioning, an equal part of me acknowledges that it's really a pretty dramatic solution, with so many stories of post-transitional regret. And while I understand there is a spectrum of transitional options, this is really a serious life-changing decision to make -- life changing not only for me but also for so many of those I know and love. I also observe a potential conflict of interest with the "transitional industry" -- an industry that benefits economically by encouraging folks like me to transition. I also suspect there are those on this forum who would encourage me in part to validate their own decision. Yet, I am also inclined to believe that my dysphoria will not be relieved without the most radical of options. This has certainly been what has kept my dysphoria a secret for so long. I contrast this very radical treatment option with the increasing mental and emotional toll of not choosing to transition, and today I am left with an impossible dilemma.

[kelly_aus]

Transition - the only medical treatment known to work for gender dysphoria. And that's all it really is, a medical treatment. Yes, it has some social implications, but it's not often the disaster you think it might be - it wasn't for me. Transitional regret really isn't all that common and its usually caused by outside factors. 

Now, I'm not going to tell you if you should transition or not, that's your decision to make - not mine. Transition worked for me, it took me to a place I could be happy with who and what I was. I learnt a lot about myself along the way, including that I didn't need to have any major surgeries.

[Dena]

I have no regrets with my decision but I also had a two years cross living. Near the end of the second year, the surgery went from a must have to a would like to have. I understood what I wanted what living the life of a woman and I reached the point cross living where I had exactly that. At that point you can honesty answer the question "Do I want SRS?". For me, I knew there would be no turning back. SRS didn't change anything in my life, it only finished off what I started years ago. Yes there is somewhat of an industry out there but I suggest you consider each step carefully and do as little as possible to reach you goal. Make SRS the first surgery you have where it's no longer possible to return to the old life. You can always do FFS at a latter date if you still want it.

[HoneyStrums]

I dont think transitioning is scary. I think that its what we think off when we see the word thats scary.

But transitioning isnt about those things. Its about becoming more comfatable with your body and/or lifestyle.
what others do or have done tend to be what we think of when we see this word, but what we do as individuals can be different from each other.

eg,  some of us have srs some of us dont, does that mean one or the other hasnt transitioned?
some people are content just to dress and be adressed as thier identity? does lacking hormoans mean they didnt transition?

I can tell you, the prospect of homoans was scary for me. because I was scared about having to inject myself and because I am scared of chokeing on pills. As it happens I dont have to have pills and the injections a 3 monthly and done by a nurse. (fear gone)

SRS? well thats an operation, ALL operations are scary.

My advise is, if your scared, talk about your fears, that includes the fears of what not transitioning means for you, aswell as what you think of when you think of yourself transitioning. What you choose to do, and what you choose not to do are up to you.

hugs

[Ms Grace]

Hi - transitioning is definitely a choice you need to make for yourself after you've weighed up all the pros and cons.

...it's really a pretty dramatic solution, with so many stories of post-transitional regret.

These are often, not always, people who rushed into transition, didn't seek professional support when they should have, had unrealistic expectations of what transition could deliver, allowed themselves to be swayed by the opinions of others, and so on. There are considerably more stories of people being happy post transition than those with regret, the media is fond of trumpeting the latter.

...this is really a serious life-changing decision to make -- life changing not only for me but also for so many of those I know and love.

Yes it is, it absolutely is. And as long as you understand that you are preparing yourself for the inevitable and potential bumps in the road. You need to do what is right for you based on realistic expectations, understand that it doesn't happen overnight (usually at least two years at a minimum) and keep your support networks.

[suzifrommd]

Transition is scary fun.

I've loved it. No, everything hasn't been perfect, but there hasn't been a second where I've regretted it.

[Tamika Olivia]

Transition isn't scary. The world is scary. And the thought of not transitioning, of staying as I am, is terrifying.

Some times I think about the life altering consequences, but they don't seem to weigh heavily. My life, as it was before I came out to myself and began planning my transition, was a twisted and dull funeral procession. I was just drifting through the wrong life, waiting to die. None of the potential consequences are heavy enogh to be worth returning to that hell.

Transition is my hope, my freedom, and my self respect. I can't fear that. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

[Molly Frances]

Thanks to all for the encouragement and words of wisdom. I feel less fearful and alone.

[Mariah]

I'm glad you feel less alone because truth be told this place really helped me feel less alone. Truth be told Grace said it best it really does come down to having realistic expectations and a good support system around you. It's no picnic and I can definitely say there are moments that were unnerving for me, but when it boils down to it I know I made the right decision for me. If I could do it all over again, I would because being my authentic self is the only way I was going to live on and I'm happy and content that I made the right choice for my health and well being. Hugs
Mariah

[amoeba]

I'm pretty new to the forums as well, and honestly I've been terrified of transitioning since I first learned it was an option about 15 years ago. Since then I've been locked in a perpetual cycle of fear, self loathing, and suppression/denial. The dysphoria has been my one constant companion. Just when I think I can ignore it and live the rest of my life without going through this most difficult of journeys, it comes back, running its cold tendrils over my spine, without respite. It's gradually built up to the point where I don't think I can live a quality life as a male for the 40 odd years I have left to go. I cannot ignore it any longer.

So, here I am. Every day I spend on the forums makes me feel a bit less scared, a bit less alone. A bit better informed, a bit more confident, and yes a bit more hopeful as well. I look with envy at those further along in the transition, or with better features where I feel the most insecure. Gorgeous waifs with feminine faces and flowing locks while I curse my Neanderthalic brow ridge, thick facial/body hair, and bald spot. Then I remember that I do have some things I like about myself. My wide "child bearing hips" and bubble butt [about which I was mercilessly teased as a youngster at school], while I see others bemoaning their straight lines.

Don't feel bad about being scared or alone. I think it's a natural feeling given our unique situation. It's also a very isolating feeling not being able to talk to anyone about it. Two months ago at my therapists office is the very first time in my life I gave voice to my feelings in a genuine way.

It will improve though. You don't have to do anything drastic about it today, and perhaps not even for a while. I would encourage you to stick around. Even if you don't feel like you can contribute much or ask any meaningful questions, there are a lot of experience folks here sharing their knowledge and experience. Drink that in, as much as you can. When you feel ready enough for another step, you will feel more confident actually taking it.

Look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and hugs <3

[Cindy]

Transitioning is scary. Oh goddess I remember my first posts, full of terror and fear. I could never be free of that fear.

Slowly, with the help of all of you, new and old  clawed myself out of that fear and started to use it as a weapon.

Why should I fear being me? What right has anyone to question my gender? I am me. I'm a transgender woman and I am so proud of that.

My fear has turned to anger.  A white hot fury that drives me to push society to not just accept us, but to embrace us. Yes it is hard; so many haters, who love to bask in their ignorance.

Yes be frightened of transitioning. That is healthy.

Then learn to fear of not transitioning. Learn to loathe the fear that people have placed on you.

Learn to love being you, and then you will learn to love the most wonderful community of people I have ever been part of.

We who are transgender.

[AnonyMs]

Hi Molly,

I'm quite cynical, possibly even verging on paranoid, and I always try to understand how the system really works. Yet for all that I think I have different views on the things you mention.

I don't think there's a "transitional industry" encouraging people to transition. Its more the opposite really. There's always talk of gatekeepers, and if there's money to be made it would be in stopping people from transitioning rather than encouraging it. A therapist or psychologist is going to make far more money gate keeping than they ever would by allowing people to progress quickly though to HRT and surgery. Surgeons make a great deal of money, but they don't get involved until after you've got permission from the psychiatrist, and once you have that there's no encouragement needed.

I'd say that what you tend to see on the forums is reasonably balanced. I don't think its acceptable, especially on this site, to tell people they should transition, but you will see people say what they did themselves (often transition) and to go see a gender therapist. I think that's as fair as can be expected, and what else can you do?

I can't recall hearing someone someone say they are transgender, didn't transition, and are happy with it. Is that because its impossible or because they don't post here? I've no idea. I've been avoiding social transition for years and made myself quite ill doing so, but perhaps that's why I'm here posting this? I'm so messed up that I need to talk about it.

I have the impression that transition regret stories tend to be where somethings gone wrong along the way. Its not normally regret because transition was the wrong thing to do. Hopefully with careful planning that can be avoided, because the success stories are truly wonderful and inspiring. I feel like crying when I read some of them.

I find transitioning very scary. Perhaps terrifying would be a better description. I reached the point a while ago where I even that wouldn't have stopped me if it were not for my family situation. I recently made another step towards transitioning, and that's helped enormously, but I've run out of what I can do without social transition. I'll holding  off on that until I'm a lot more desperate than I am now, but it will be no great surprise if that happens.

The one regret I keep hearing, or perhaps remembering because I feel it, is the wish to have transitioned earlier. I've been in tears over that one.

And now I feel I've written a post designed to encourage you to transition. Is this to validate my own choices? I hope not, and if it is its certainly not intentional. I don't know what else I can say, except that you'll have to trust in yourself.

[JoanneB]

I view the whole "Transition" thing in the most basic and literal meaning of the word. That is "To Change". I decided, I DARED, to make a change in my life. To actually do something for me and not what was expected of me. That alone was a major change. I had enough of being "me". Enough of the pain. So I made a change to actually do the hard work of learning who I am today, how I got to where I was, where I would like to be, what I need to learn, what ways I need to grow, in order to become more like the type of person I'd rather be.

Six years ago when I first started transitioning, "Transition" was the absolute last thing on my to-do list. Been there, tried it twice before. It wasn't for me. Change certainly was needed if I wanted to live another day.

Today, in a sense, I have transitioned. I have not only accepted the fact that I am trans, I have embraced it and in some ways now feel empowered by really really knowing I am. I never truly accepted that I was trans, even though I knew from age 4 I should have been a girl. I accepted that I was only enough to know I needed to fight it tooth and nail.

I live and present primarily as a male today. A few years back, circumstances allowed me the luxury to live part-time as female. I look forward to a tomorrow where I once again can do part-time, perhaps even present full-time. I know I am female on the inside. Thanks to the personal growth and HRT I now am happy being me and living in my own skin. I have a far better image of who I am. Being able to present as female would allow me to feel more genuine.

Transition is hard work. People do not make changes in their lives because it is far easier and far more comfortable not to. "Better the devil you know...." Transitioning is all about learning, discovering, and being who you are today, and the who you are may be tomorrow. All those newly discovered aspects hopefully helping you feel happier and healthier.

[AnonyMs]

Hi Joanne, I like the way you put that. Thanks.

I've always thought of there being two aspects to transition, medical and social, but as you so clearly point out there's mental transition as well. I knew about it of course, but if you'd have asked me about transition I would have instantly said medical and social, and forgotten the other.

I think you also see it quite clearly where people say they feel like an imposter, pretending to be their desired gender rather than actually feeling like it.

Perhaps its mental transition that truly defines success. Its the bit that makes you happy or not, regardless of what else you done. For many it may not be possible to achieve mental transition without the others. It may also be why its not discussed so much, as it tends to follow on automatically (or maybe people don't like discussing their doubts).

I've been pursuing medical transition without social transition, but I'm also partway though the process of mental transition. It's an uncomfortable place to be, and it remains to be seem how much progress I can make with this aspect of transition without fully embracing the others.

[JoanneB]

I agree in a way, there are two aspects to transition. THe female aspect of me, and the male aspect of me. I spent nearly a lifetime learning that I should not deny the female aspect of me. By extension I should not deny the male aspect either. A very good part of the things that go into making me me has been as a male. I needed to learn to how to get the denied and mostly suppressed female aspect to coexist with the male in order to make one whole, healthy and happy person.

As I began to embracing the female aspect, Joanne began to show herself in me and my interactions with the world at large in many countless ways. Perhaps that why my answer to both therapist when asked "What difference would there be if you presented as female at work tomorrow?" was a slightly hesitant "nothing". Yes, I'd feel a bit more genuine presenting as female, but for the most part it's what you see is who I am now. (minus a lot of hair, makeup and other girlie-girl feel good window dressing). My support group members, even my wife, has said there isn't really a personality change in male or female mode. (Though there are few things that need fixing. I didn't have a lot of baggage, I have a boxcar full of baggage!)