It never goes away

[Dena]

In one way I was far luckier that those of you aren't ready to change. I lived with it between ages 13 and 23 and in those 10 years it just kept getting worst. It reached point where the only thing I valued in life was my sanity and if I couldn't have that, I didn't want life. That type of motivation does a pretty good job of pushing you forward. I hope my presence here will help you understand that delaying treatment will only cause more harm to you and will mean fewer years of happiness when you do face reality.
I understand the commitment you made when you started a family but not all families are like "Leave it to Beaver". Families have problems they need to face and you can't be expected to live in the pain that you do jut so the remainder of the family can avoid facing reality. In many cases, facing problems like this can make the family stronger and not weaker. In the end it is your decision and not mine but it pains me to see someone in pain when help is available.

[Paige]

Paige,

Not to be too flip but as I understand it, transition is how to beat it but that is an issue within your constraints. I understand and wanted to beat it without effecting my family when I came to grips 6-7 months ago.  I was either unaware or in deep denial for those 50 years you speak of. I thought everybody felt like that...

So, now I am prepping to do slow, low level, measured steps. After each, my wife and I re-evaluate. I am just prepped to start some blockers and maybe HRT and my anxiety has dropped quite a bit. Still fighting dysphoria off and on. Still think about changing often... but better most of the time.

Wish you all smooth journeys.

With warmth,

Joanna

Sent from my XT1060 using Tapatalk

Thanks Joanna for you kind thoughts.  Unfortunately my wife wants nothing to do with my transition.  I've even suggested she find her own therapist to deal with my issues, but she completely balks at the idea.

Take care,
Paige

[Paige]

You might look for a good gender therapist...
they might help you evaluate steps you might take...

well without guarantees but there are families that live happily thereafter... 
one person on another place wrote the only person not consenting was a stepdad and he was described as not a really good person anyway...
even their colleagues consented, and they said it was in glasgow, a place they considered rather conservative...

remember its a step by step process, it might be a bit daunting to look at the end result... just take the next step...


hugs

Thanks Laura, I actually have 2 gender therapists.  Both are quite good and believe I should transition.   I went to the second one just to get another opinion.  She agreed with basically everything my other therapist said.  And I agree with them, I'm transgender and probably the best thing for me would be to transition.

I've also talked to my family doctor and he's been great too.  He's willing to prescribe HRT to me, when I feel ready for it.

The problem basically comes down to family as I said earlier.  One therapist says I have too much empathy which she describes as a feminine trait    I have an appointment soon with her maybe a light bulb will turn on.

Thanks again,
Paige

[Paige]

I know exactly how you fee Paige. I'm a similar age and have lived with different levels of dysphoria all my life. It became especially bad two years ago......gender was the only thought all day, every day. Self acceptance and support from friends here at Susan's helped. I will never come out or transition as to do so would wreck my family also, but I have learned to accept that.
However, denying the truth within me is never a long term solution. I have accepted that I am a woman in a man's body and continue to learn to live with that.
I wish you well.
Ciara.

Hi Ciara,

I wish you well too Ciara.  Thanks for starting this thread and thanks for your kind words of encouragement.

Paige    

[JoanneB]

I relied HEAVILY on my weekly, Bi-Weekly, Monthly escapes from maleness. No matter how much the 3D's of Distraction, Diversions, and Denial I implored, I for decades I needed that Escape

[Eva Marie]

How did you manage dysporia for that long?

I manged it for about 49 years.

Until one night when I was drinking my nightly 12 pack to deal with my GD and it occurred to me that I would not be doing that for much longer, because I physically felt (and had been feeling) terrible and I was ultimately on my way to having a date with a pine box. I had been fooling myself into thinking that I had it under control while it was spinning far, far out of control. We are good at telling ourselves what we want to hear it seems.

That moment of abject clarity led me to therapy and the journey to where I am today.

I know what its like to try to hold it together for family - please watch out for signs that the wheels are coming off for you and take action if you feel that they are.

[Ciara]

.............I understand the commitment you made when you started a family but not all families are like "Leave it to Beaver". Families have problems they need to face and you can't be expected to live in the pain that you do jut so the remainder of the family can avoid facing reality. In many cases, facing problems like this can make the family stronger and not weaker. In the end it is your decision and not mine but it pains me to see someone in pain when help is available.

Hi Dena,
I understand what you mean, but there are also issues that may bring a family to a point where there is no road back (or forward). All families and their environments are different and I'm afraid that my family, environment and circumstances do not facilitate my coming out, not to mind transition to any degree.
However, I should be clear that I am fortunate to have a very loving wife and children, I have much to be thankful for and I fear that I could lose them, or even place their family stability in jeopardy.
For me, periodic escapes from maleness (girlie days/hours on my own) and conversations with you all at Susans is normally enough to maintain my sanity.
Thank you for your thoughts and advice.
Ciara

[Ciara]

I relied HEAVILY on my weekly, Bi-Weekly, Monthly escapes from maleness. No matter how much the 3D's of Distraction, Diversions, and Denial I implored, I for decades I needed that Escape

Hi Joanne,
Those same periodic escapes keep me stable. I too have relied on them most of my life.
They work for me anyway.
Thank you.
Ciara.

[Ciara]

...................I know what its like to try to hold it together for family - please watch out for signs that the wheels are coming off for you and take action if you feel that they are.

Thank you Eva Marie,
Two years ago, the wheels did start to come off and I had a very difficult six months where my gender was my every waking thought. My life was falling apart but I got through it mainly with the support of a couple of friends here at Susans. It means a lot to know that I have friends who understand that I'm not the "wierdo" that I believed I was for years.
Thank you,
Ciara

[JoanneB]

Hi Joanne,
Those same periodic escapes keep me stable. I too have relied on them most of my life.
They work for me anyway.
Thank you.
Ciara.

The downside that I learned, and it's a biggie, is that you slowly turn into lifeless, soulless, Thing with no hopes, wishes, or dreams bar one you gave up on long ago. You are simply some machine that wakes up in the morning, does what she is "expected" to do, and repeat

[Ciara]

The downside that I learned, and it's a biggie, is that you slowly turn into lifeless, soulless, Thing with no hopes, wishes, or dreams bar one you gave up on long ago. You are simply some machine that wakes up in the morning, does what she is "expected" to do, and repeat

You are right Joanne. That could easily happen.
There really are no easy answers. No matter what road we take, there is a cost. Yes, the dream, albeit given up on, will always be there. It is not a bad dream though..
I am lucky in other ways in that I have a great family and friends so I have a lot that I am positive about and thankful for.
Keeping the balance is always the challenge.
Thank you for your support.
Ciara.

[KatelynBG]

The downside that I learned, and it's a biggie, is that you slowly turn into lifeless, soulless, Thing with no hopes, wishes, or dreams bar one you gave up on long ago. You are simply some machine that wakes up in the morning, does what she is "expected" to do, and repeat

Wow I totally feel like this already. Your comment completely hits home for me.

[Laura_7]

Wow I totally feel like this already. Your comment completely hits home for me.

There is one thing that can be learned from this. Listening to the voice of intuition.
It should be better felt now and clearer.
Hold on to your dreams, keep having daydreams, try a few things out.
The universe has a way to come up with solutions.
Most important is to know what feels right.

I'd say there are quite a few people in this situation. The last years was kind of an awakening for many.
Sentiment is much better now imo, and peoples reactions are possibly better.


hugs

[Paige]

The downside that I learned, and it's a biggie, is that you slowly turn into lifeless, soulless, Thing with no hopes, wishes, or dreams bar one you gave up on long ago. You are simply some machine that wakes up in the morning, does what she is "expected" to do, and repeat

You are so right Joanne.  I feel like this is who I'm becoming.  I just go through the motions most days.  The only time things seem to pick up for me is when I think there might be a chance at transition. 

Dressing up use to make a difference for me or at least distract me.  It doesn't seem to work at all anymore.  I guess it's the old tired face looking back at me in the mirror or maybe it's because this summer I let my chest hair grow back just in case I needed to go swimming.  Maybe when I shave it off again in a week I'll feel a little better.

With that said I'm very much like Ciara, great family and friends.  I just can't imagine throwing the spammer into the gears. 

In many ways, I think my only option to keep my sanity, is to follow Joanne's method and transition as much as possible in stealth.  The only thing, is that my wife thinks once I get on this train I won't be able to stop until I've fully transitioned and I'm not sure that she's wrong.

Life is so fun,
Paige

[JoanneB]

....  I guess it's the old tired face looking back at me in the mirror or maybe it's because this summer I let my chest hair grow back just in case I needed to go swimming.  Maybe when I shave it off again in a week I'll feel a little better.

With that said I'm very much like Ciara, great family and friends.  I just can't imagine throwing the spammer into the gears. 

I've dropped a spanner or two into gearboxes, never my fried spam 

I know that "old tired face" bit. I call it the "Sad old man looking back at me in the mirror". When those days hit the GD is REALLY bad. Strangely, these days of high anxiety I haven't been seeing him, just Joanne. I think so much of the reason is because I came to realize "I don't want to not be able to transition". Not that I do totally want to, I just can't bare the thought of it ever being taken off the table

[Paige]

I've dropped a spanner or two into gearboxes, never my fried spam 

Oops, spam is messy when you throw it into the gears, but doesn't break anything

I know that "old tired face" bit. I call it the "Sad old man looking back at me in the mirror". When those days hit the GD is REALLY bad. Strangely, these days of high anxiety I haven't been seeing him, just Joanne. I think so much of the reason is because I came to realize "I don't want to not be able to transition". Not that I do totally want to, I just can't bare the thought of it ever being taken off the table

I think this is why it hits so hard when you get older.  When you're younger you always have that hope that you will eventually transition.  You can put it off for another day but as you get older, you start to realize that time is really running out.

Thanks Joanne you're always a big help,
Paige

[Ciara]

There is one thing that can be learned from this. Listening to the voice of intuition.
It should be better felt now and clearer.
Hold on to your dreams, keep having daydreams, try a few things out.
The universe has a way to come up with solutions.
Most important is to know what feels right.

I'd say there are quite a few people in this situation. The last years was kind of an awakening for many.
Sentiment is much better now imo, and peoples reactions are possibly better.


hugs

I just love your positive attitude Laura. Yes, we should hold on to our dreams. The world is changing. In my country (Ireland) we recently passed a referendum approving same sex marriage. 30 years ago you could be imprisoned if you were in a same sex relationship. Our legislators are now preparing legislation to support transgendered people. Sentiment is and will continue to improve.
Let's hold on to our dreams and keep daydreaming. Who knows what good things lie ahead.
Ciara.

[Ciara]

You are so right Joanne.  I feel like this is who I'm becoming.  I just go through the motions most days.  The only time things seem to pick up for me is when I think there might be a chance at transition. 

Dressing up use to make a difference for me or at least distract me.  It doesn't seem to work at all anymore.  I guess it's the old tired face looking back at me in the mirror or maybe it's because this summer I let my chest hair grow back just in case I needed to go swimming.  Maybe when I shave it off again in a week I'll feel a little better.

With that said I'm very much like Ciara, great family and friends.  I just can't imagine throwing the spammer into the gears. 

In many ways, I think my only option to keep my sanity, is to follow Joanne's method and transition as much as possible in stealth.  The only thing, is that my wife thinks once I get on this train I won't be able to stop until I've fully transitioned and I'm not sure that she's wrong.

Life is so fun,
Paige

I have learned that different things work for different people Paige. I try to take all the positives I can from little things and express my femininity a little and often. Even if only I  notice then it may be something I can feel good about. I try not to focus on what is outside my control.
Ciara.

[Ciara]

I think this is why it hits so hard when you get older.  When you're younger you always have that hope that you will eventually transition.  You can put it off for another day but as you get older, you start to realize that time is really running out.

Paige

I often wonder where I would be if I would have made different choices when I was younger. While I would love to think that I would, those choices were driven by circumstance and if I was back there again the same circumstances may drive the same choices. Also, the opportunity was not there for trans girls when I was young.
I am where I am so I accept those decisions and get on with my life. I don't let my gender consume me as it did before.
Ciara.

[chloeD33]

Ireland is awesome!!