I originally posted this to facebook and I realized that some people here might find it interesting or at least amusing, though likely just boring.
I really don't know why I am writing this, some times I think I just need to write things down, or tell them to others to make them feel real to see them outside myself, I considered just putting this in my diary but I thought I should share this one, that and my diary still needs to catch up to the present before I can put new things in it.
It has been just over 6 weeks sense I started living my life honest to myself and there have been problems issues that have cropped up, a lot of them having to do with my self image and self hatred things I have and likely always will struggle with anyone who has talked to me in detail about my transision knows these problems I am unquestionably my harshest critic everything from my makeup to my voice to the tiny things in between often get to me. There are other ones things like a painful lack of clothing and struggles with my weight and I am working on all of this with variable levels of success.
But there is something else I feel better, more comfortable, even happier. No not all the time a lot of the time I don't know if I am going to scream in frustration or just start crying for one reason or another. (the crying thing seems to happen whenever it feels like it smile emoticon ) But even through that I feel better, it will likely be a long long time if I ever feel great but the way I feel now is a true improvement over the way I felt before.
All that said I got this feeling Battleground tonight when I was thinking about work tomorrow, its one I have felt before in relationship to my transision though I think it was the first time I really examined that feeling and I realized it was like the feeling I used to get the last day of a LARP or at the end of a vacation. Some part of my brain expected that this contentment, this comfort was about to end some part of me not able to believe that this feeling could last a part that's sure this vacation from that ancient pain would end and it scared me.
When I first started this it was all so very sudden, I was afraid it might all be too much that I would not be able to face it, that I would back out or give up, that it might just be too much for me to deal with instead I have found the opposite to be true the thing that I find scares me is the idea that it could all vanish or be taken away.
When I had that feeling tonight there was a moment of panic when I thought it was over and a moment later when I realized that it was not was a great relief, it was like waking up thinking your alarm is about to go off only to realize you can go back to sleep because you have the day off.
This was not the first time I have been startled by some feeling or another, just last week I found myself thinking about my clothing and some new skirts I was going to buy and what jewelry I have to go with it and I suddenly thought to myself "when did I start thinking about accessorizing?" smile emoticon When I started showing myself to the world I was sure that very little would change in regards to my hobbies and interests that I would end up dressing a bit tomboyish and instead I have found myself excited about things I gave little thought to before, part of me thinks I should be afraid of that but instead I am just a bit excited to see how deep the rabbit hole goes.
To those who read this far, thank you for putting up with me and with putting up with my rambles.
Serena
