I'm not Really Seeing my Therapist

[Stella Sophia]

Hi Ladies,

I had been wondering a little bit about our gender therapists. I haven't seen mine in several months, she doesn't even know I started HRT, she just signed a paper saying I am authorized to start HRT. Am I even required to see her anymore?

Is there any advantage/disadvantage to seeing or not seeing your therapist? I feel like the issues I am struggling with I can handle just fine. I have been struggling with some thoughts that I am told are self destructive such as wanting to put myself into dangerous situations (think walking to a transphobic bar at night by yourself, or going to a fundamental church on your own in full girl mode) I find that I am addicted to the rush you get when you're in the most anti-trans environments and then pass or get mam'd. Is this really something I need to talk with my therapist about?

What are you guy's experiences and thoughts about seeing your therapists?

[katrinaw]

I get my adrenaline hits with Snow Skiing, some very dangerous situations, but its also mind clearing too!

Hmm not sure about putting yourself in danger in an uncontrolled way? Have you mentioned to your therapist on the subject? May be worth it xx
Also It does depend on what they are!

So any reason for not seeing your gender therapist, sorry not prying though ?
Also if you want GRS etc, your therapist will help you there! I am Assuming then that your current HRT is based on informed consent.

Katy xx

[stephaniec]

If I may , to be honest , a few days ago you were talking about putting yourself into harms way. That not good, I don't know why you feel like that , but I found that talking to someone experienced in matters of the mind can help significantly , I'm not going to bore you with my history , but I've had severe problems in my past and the help I got from therapy is the reason I'm still breathing. I know there are people that don't give much credit to therapy, but I'm one of the believers in it.

[Ms Grace]

My first attempt at transition twenty years ago crashed and burned in large part because I avoided counsellors and did the minimal number of visits to the psych required. I figured I could sort it out by myself - even when I was feeling miserable and suicidal I wouldn't seek help. And the rest is history, that attempt at transition imploded. Would it have been any different had I sought out a counsellor for support? Hard to say but I do believe so. Transition is a huge life process, there is a lot that can and does go to plan, but plenty that doesn't. This time I decided I would make sure I did see a counsellor and keep at it. Proved to be one of the most positive aspects of my transition - my counsellor gave me the opportunity to sort out stuff that was going on in my head that I was hardly aware was there. Given that you have discussed self harm in previous posts I do think that you should consider professional support, at least until you get the hang of the transition process. Taking HRT is the relatively easy part, it's the social, work and familial parts that are often very difficult. As long as they are supportive and insightful then you have nothing to lose.

[Dena]

There is a huge disadvantage not seeing your therapist when you have the issues that you have. You are addicted to the drug adrenaline and it is very difficult to kick without help. An example of this is my boss who is into skydiving knows BASE jumpers. From a discussion with one, my boss learned the reason they BASE jump is because jumping out of an airplane is safe and they know there is little danger to the sport. With BASE jumping they know every jump is dangerous and they know they might die. One person had his parachute open the wrong way and the in the video you could hear bones break when he slammed into the rock face. He spent a good deal of time in the hospital recovering but was still addicted to adrenaline after that.

You are facing the same danger and might consider yourself lucky to finish your transition in a wheel chair if things go wrong. Please get back into therapy and deal with this and any other issues you might have. I want you to have a long happy life and that is at risk if you continue your current behavior.

[Stella Sophia]

There is a huge disadvantage not seeing your therapist when you have the issues that you have. You are addicted to the drug adrenaline and it is very difficult to kick without help. An example of this is my boss who is into skydiving knows BASE jumpers. From a discussion with one, my boss learned the reason they BASE jump is because jumping out of an airplane is safe and they know there is little danger to the sport. With BASE jumping they know every jump is dangerous and they know they might die. One person had his parachute open the wrong way and the in the video you could hear bones break when he slammed into the rock face. He spent a good deal of time in the hospital recovering but was still addicted to adrenaline after that.

You are facing the same danger and might consider yourself lucky to finish your transition in a wheel chair if things go wrong. Please get back into therapy and deal with this and any other issues you might have. I want you to have a long happy life and that is at risk if you continue your current behavior.

Thanks Dena for the reply, I think maybe it is an adrenaline rush for me, I wish I could find some other way of handling that. I have always been a safe player and wouldn't have ever done any of this stuff as a boy. I wonder is it regressed female feelings causing me to do this, or has the estrogen literally turned me crazy?

[Sammy]

There are no skilled gender therapists here, so I am obviously not seeing one - just got fed up with educating general therapists about trans issues on my own expense and then struggling with their stupidity ("no, let's not talk about hormones -they are dangerous, instead I want to spend next 3 months talking about your childhood and role of your mother...") - stay out of these types, cause they are useless.

[Dena]

I am not a doctor but I seem to imitate one around here. I would suspect it may be do to the fact you are allowing yourself to do things that society never allowed you to do before. You are going out dressed as a woman because society no long has that hold on you. In addition you may have had a desire for adventure that your past life prevented you from exploring. Often when you are in a marriage, you don't do things out of consideration for your partner. Wanting to live a little isn't a bad thing but how you are doing it is. You need to work with your therapist on this but also consider other activities that are less dangerous but still allow for the excitement you crave.

I don't know how it is now, but one of the letters I needed for SRS came from my group therapist. To gain that letter, I needed to meet the minimum requirements of the group. Seeing your therapist may be required for your next letter as well.

[Stella Sophia]

I mean my therapist is a nice lady don't get me wrong, its just I feel like I am really introspective and don't really need to talk with someone about this stuff. like the last chat my therapist and I had was before HRT and went like this:

me: I am struggling with feeling like a dude.

her: And why is that?

me: Because I look like a @#$% dude cant you see?!

her: Hmm, and what do you want to do about that?

me: Get on HRT

her: And how would you like to see that happen?

me: Write me a @#$% letter so I can take it to my @#$% doctor and can prescribe me the @#$% hormones so I am not looking like a @#$% dude any longer, @#$%!!

her: Hmm, lets explore this anger?

me: I am not getting any younger and I want to transition now or I am jumping in front of @#$% traffic right now.

her: Hmm, and how does that make you feel?

me: Like @#$% what do you @#$% think?!

her: Okay now lets try and work on not having those negative feelings ok?

me: I have been working on that for my entire life and its not @#$% working, so give me the @#$% letter of consent and let me correct the @#$% mistakes I should have corrected in my life decades ago.

her: Okay, that will be $120 dollars, thank you.

[Dena]

Sounds like you don't have a psychologist and instead are with a psychiatrist. The difference is a psychiatrist wants to understand why you do something and cure it. The psychologist really doesn't care why you do something, they just want you to live with it. My psychologist was the one who moved me through the transition. In your case, I am not so sure what you will need to treat your love of danger. 

[Ms Grace]

I don't know if you really were swearing at her but I can guarantee you it won't help your case. She no doubt wants to see that you have a realistic expectation of the process and a rational understanding of what it will give you. Demanding a letter is not going to sort anything out.

[Stella Sophia]

I don't know if you really were swearing at her but I can guarantee you it won't help your case. She no doubt wants to see that you have a realistic expectation of the process and a rational understanding of what it will give you. Demanding a letter is not going to sort anything out.

That was the hormones swearing, I didn't actually do that

[JoanneB]

IMHO you have a steamer trunk of baggage to keep on seeing a gender therapist about. Like Ms Grace in my 20's I experimented with transitioning, crashing and burning in the process. TWO TImes.  A good portion of the cause for it was a negative self esteem, shame, and guilt, and zero self confidence of ever making it in the real world. At 6ft tall and big everything and balding fast, it's like who am I kidding. The only thing HRT brought to the table for me was a lot of emotional relieve.

I was beyond ill equipped to even think about starting transition. It was pretty close to being self destructive. Between street racing, high speed rice rockets, and other lifestyle choices I was self destructive enough.

There are far too many apocryphal stories about some poor trans-woman beaten to pulp, raped, and otherwise violated by sick transphobic bastards, some perhaps looking for sense of passing the ultimate passing test. It's dangerous enough with the haters of the world without going into their lair.

[Mariah]

If one particular therapist isn't working out for you, then I would recommend that you find another. We are not always going to be a good fit with each therapist. You need find the one that feels right to you. As much as I have been released from regular sessions doesn't mean I'm done with therapy and I know that. I know that if something occurs I can easily speak up and get an appointment when I need it. There is only so much we can process on our own. Hugs
Mariah.