Hi, my name is Dawn. This may get a little long and I do apologize ahead of time. I'm 57. I've been in transition so long now I don't really think of it that way any longer. Transition began in 2008. My RLE began in 2010.
Beginning life at a late age actually has made for some interesting outcomes. I went into transition believing I could save every facet of my previous self only to find that - similar to the recent evaluation by ex-Navy Seal Kristen Beck - having to lose nearly everything has actually made me more determined and better equipped to rebuild what I.....thought.....was a fairly good life into a much more independent and rewarding experience, save one.
Like many here (I would think) in the beginning I thought activism would be a worthy endeavor. Little did I know and soon did I find that such a task is better suited for someone other than myself. Still I was fortunate to witness and be partnered to effectuate some serious levels of change here where I live. Something I doubt I would have had the fortitude to strive for would I have been younger. I admired the young trans folk I worked with for the sheer determination and understanding they displayed. I, myself was quite envious to how advanced they were, being so young.
In my professional world, Things didn't go quite as (naively) planned. Being a Dealer for a major off road manufacturer, it wasn't long before I saw the handwriting on the wall and the eventual underhanded way in which they saw fit to end my association with them. At first I had a mixture of emotions. Shock, followed by abject fear for livelihood. Soon the anger would come and again found that coupled to even more fear. Finally, being the unrelenting soul that I seem to be, I quit with the self-absorbed woe-is-me self pity and rekindled my determination to be successful business wise.
It took awhile - three years. However, I can say now that, that (bigoted) manufacturer - and this may seem an odd perception - did me the greatest favor of anyone who ever offered personal support. Total freedom to rethink my life and the daily goals that I recreated to become economically secure once more. Resulting from that effort, those actions only solidified an independence that I once felt strong to become outright unbreakable. It's still a work-in-progress, yet I know deep in my heart and can see by the fruits of day-in and day-out labors, sacrificing weekends and Holidays that at the end of the road what they thought would be my demise will be only a thorn in their own side and leaving them unable to cause me any further discomfort.
Now. On the personal level things haven't been nearly as complete in coming 'round the circle.
I have been married to the same person for 35+ years now. Never have the two of us been more devoted and completely in love with each other than we are today. Truly. Still as many of you no doubt experience - family - can be fickle. We have two children, fully grown and out in their own lives. Our son has had the easiest (if you can call it easy) with my transition. My daughter on the other hand is no where near as accommodating. Make a long story short. She and I had a spat three years ago about what she was telling her daughters about me. What her daughters were being told by the "other" set of grandparents, about me. And, a completely misunderstood statement about something I said to her - my daughter. The result has been refusal to have any dialogue between the two of us and a complete banishment from having ANYTHING to do with my grand kids. I'm not allowed to see them, speak with them, call them, or even offer Christmas and birthday gifts to them.
Dealing with kids (your own) is sometimes very difficult. For me it's become bitterly painful. So much so that I can not even begin to think about my daughter or my grand kids without tears welling up. So, I do my best to put their memories (at least for now) in a lock box. Once a year I take their memories out and allow myself to have emotional thoughts for them and the sadness of invisibility in my life. It's simply the only way I have found to cope with the issue.
Well, that's just some of what transitioning "late" in life has meant to me.
What have been your experiences?
