Unsure of my sexual orientation

[Stevie]

 I took the transgender survey and I could not answer the question about sexual orientation I chose other and wrote in I don't know.  I am 56 years old and have only had one sexual partner in my life, my wife she is also the only person I ever dated.  She asked me out several times before I went out with her she was quite persistent. I was 24  socially awkward and struggling with gender issues. I had isolated myself from the few friends I had, except one who I sort of had a crush on didn't really realize this till after he got married; his wife did not like me so I never saw him that much after that. When I had sex for the first time with the woman who would later be my wife she initiated it. It felt very awkward and I really did not find it very pleasurable and wondered why every one else was seemingly so obsessed with it. We dated for awhile and she would always be the one to initiate sex it still felt awkward, and the only pleasure I got from it was the feeling of closeness with her. She eventually got pregnant and I asked her to marry me, I had wanted to have a family since I was kid anyway. After we were married she was still the one to initiate sex and I found myself either fantasizing about being a lesbian or as woman being made love to by a man. So I am wondering am I bisexual a lesbian a straight woman I don't know how can I really know when I have such limited experience? How can I know if I would actually like sex as these other orientations when I have not experienced it, before I had heterosexual sex for the first time I thought I would find that pleasurable which was not the case.
  I realize now how naive I was when I met my wife, and I guess I still am. I think  that I only got married out a desire to feel normal and looking back on how things happened and the choices I made sometimes I feel stupid and pathetic.

[Ms Grace]

I wouldn't beat myself up over it, discovering and understanding your sexual orientation isn't as cut and dried as it's made out to be. I never had a sexual partner until I was about 32, that was a hetro encounter and afterwards I wondered what all the fuss was about. Still, we did manage to have (what I thought) was a fairly healthy sexual relationship for about nine months. I was more interested in foreplay than intercourse though. Despite my sexual attraction and preference to women I kind of wonder if I'm not just asexual. But then I wonder if I'm asexual because I'm trans and have the wrong equipment. It's hard to know.

[JoanneB]

One hand has more fingers then needed to count the number of girlfriends, or lovers, I had. If ever asked I would have said I am sexually attracted to women. These days I still mostly am. I also know a lot of that "attraction" was/is envy. My first thought looking at a woman is "I like that _____ on her", perhaps followed by a she's hot. Never by anything more base.

These days, after a while on HRT and being more in touch with the real me, TBH, guys are looking better and hotter then ever before. I even have dreams now of being with a b/f or sometimes lover as Joanne. They still disturb me. Especially when your wife is asleep in bed when you wake up shocked over it. I attribute a good portion of this "shift" in attitude to finally accepting and embracing the fact I am trans, I am a woman, albeit not your typical one, and slowly shedding the internalized transphobia that was well fed by my inate sense of shame and guilt over being different for as long as I could remember

[Dena]

You are well ahead of me because I am a 64 year old virgin. Before coming to Susan's I only knew of the basic 4 sexual orientations and of those, Asexual seemed to be were I fit. The way my life worked out, I never had anyone romantically pursue me so the term Asexual stuck. I now find my self alone and wanting company in my life but I have also found there are more sexual orientations that I knew about. I am playing around with terms and for today, Demisexual seems to be the best fit. The only way I can test this is to go somewhat stealth in a safe, target rich environment and see what happens.

For now it's not very important that you know your orientation. Just listen to your feelings as you live your life and they will answer your question for you.

[Ara]

Discovering sexual orientation is difficult for some.  It can be made even more difficult by dysphoria making sex really unpleasant.
I've known I'm into men since I was eleven, but the amount of dysphoria I've had meant that I thought I was asexual for a year or so after my first sexual encounter.  I didn't understand, fantasies about men were so good, I kind of enjoyed foreplay but as soon as genitals got involved I felt sick.

It took even until after starting to transition to realise that this was dysphoria related.  I started to imagine everything that I didn't like was different and suddenly I enjoyed stuff more. 

From what you've written it seems you have a lot of the same issues I had without the clear indication I had before attempting sex.  You can do a few things to figure out who you're sexually attracted to.  Fantasies, opening your relationship, etc.  If you decide you don't need to know, that's also fine. 

[MsMarlo]

Hi Stevie.  I am not real big on labels per se; I can't even tell you how many men i have been with over the years (yes, I practice safe sex and am still HIV - as of February of this year); that number far outweighs the number of cisgendered women I have been with.  Yeah, I've been a pretty naughty thing my whole life.

This really is not the time or the place to get down into the nitty gritty aspect of sexual orientation, but again it boils down to how you feel inside.  I have a network of guys that I see on a regular basis (only a handful and relatively high profile) but really have no interest in meeting new guys.  I am perfectly happy with my wife of 14 years and since I rarely can get an erection anymore we will at times invite someone to provide the real thing; I mean it is what it is, right?

So am I gay?  Am I bi?  I still troll around a little but between work and school olay time is limited, and like i said I don't really need it like I felt I did before.  One of these days I'll explain why I slept with so many men and no, I wasn't always careful.  I don't really label myself.

I told my wife that I would be perfectly content as a lesbian couple, but she said that we would have a guy over here and there just for fun; yet, no other cisgendered women.  I'm pretty much concentrating my efforts on her now.

So it is easy to see how confusing the whole sexual orientation thing can get; don't sweat it and enjoy what you want for what it is. 

I love pickles (no comments from the gang please , thank you  lol).  I don't care if they are Vlasic or Kirkland brand or what kind of pickle they are- I'm just a pickle lover.  I'm on duty today and had five dills for breakfast. I hope that kind of makes sense to you where I'm going with that.

Be safe, dear  :-)

[Stevie]

 I have been under the assumption that your sexual orientation was something you were born with. If that is the case wouldn't I know what mine is? Or have repressed myself for so many decades that I have obscured it even to myself?  Maybe I don't have a sexual orientation at all, which confuses me more because I have had crushes on people of all genders and desired to be close to them.

Edited after rethinking some stuff.

[Dena]

You are born with your gender ID and it's a pretty sure bet your sexual orientation as well. The problem is social pressure may force the issue unless we are a real rebel against society. It is very likely many people are Bi but society forces them to only seek out others of the opposite gender. In my case, I don't really have a sex drive but I think I would be comfortable having a relationship with either gender. That doesn't make be Bi because I could live without sex in my life but I do want the social interaction of another human in my life. I am however will to offer my body to somebody I care about.

It sound like you may be a Demisexual like I think I am and that falls under the class of Asexual.
The definition appears here http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Demisexual
Now I could be wrong about you and if so, there are some other options located here
http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Asexuality
An Asexual person doesn't crave sex so they may be unsure who they would want for a partner. This drive my neighbor lady all the time because she can't imagine why when I am ask if I want sex with a man or a woman, my reply is "I don't know" and I really don't know or care.

[Mariah]

Stevie, as you transition you will learn more about sexual orientation. When I started out we thought I might be asexual to such an extent that one of the questions asked by the therapist as are you asexual. Over time and experience I have discovered that I'm hetro with a touch of the asexual still present in the sense that I'm willing and want to, but it's not a total driving force for me. Be patient and your body will let you know the answer in time. Hugs
Mariah

[Stevie]

 Thank you for the link Dena.
A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone.
This something I can agree with about me, but I always thought this was true for most people; guess that's just more of my naivety. 

[Dena]

There is currently a term used by college students called hooking up. I always knew it as one night stands. By either term it is pretty common for people to sexually connect with others without the strong emotional bound you and I desire in a relationship. if you think about it, the human race would be around today if the population was Demisexual because most of us wouldn't be in the mood to reproduce. The Asexual variations aren't a large portion of the population but they do exist and I suspect the transexual population may have a larger percentage of it.

[Valwen]

Sexual orientation is not nearly as cut and dry or simple and unchanging as most people think it is. I try not to stress too much over terminology or trying to settle on something. Right now if asked I would tell you that I am almost exclusivlly attracted to women, but only when making a joke or something similar would I call myself a lesbian and I also admit that next year or next decade things may change and I try not to worry about that.

I think the best advice I have heard is to accept love and intimacy as it comes so long as it makes you happy and never worry about weather or not its "normal" that is just  wasting time that could be better spent enjoying it.

[Everbrooke]

I have been under the assumption that your sexual orientation was something you were born with. If that is the case wouldn't I know what mine is? Or have repressed myself for so many decades that I have obscured it even to myself?  Maybe I don't have a sexual orientation at all, which confuses me more because I have had crushes on people of all genders and desired to be close to them.

Edited after rethinking some stuff.

I've never thought sexual orientation was cut and dry, and I really hate the "born this way" trend because honestly, who the ->-bleeped-<- cares?!  The binary of gay/straight is a social construct and doesn't reflect the deep complexity of attraction in the human mind.  We can introduce more labels, but why should we?  It will be best when we realize we are all attracted to who we are attracted to, and whoever that is, it's fine(unless it's an animal or a small child...yes I said small child, a developed child could still look attractive even if you understand you should never do anything to them!)

The truth is, that you have certain traits and characteristics you are attracted to.  Sure, some of those may be more in line with one gender, but I don't think very many people fit on one side of the spectrum completely.

[KatelynBG]

To me, women are amazing and men are intriguing. Who the heck knows what that makes me.