Another New Newbie :)

[AudreyMichelle]

Hi All,

My name is Audrianna (you can call me Audrey for short). I've been lurking here for a long time and finally decided it was time to join for reasons you'll see as I introduce myself. Anyways here goes a hopefully quick introduction-

I'm 26 years old and pre-everything. I've known since I was very little that there wasn't something quite right about who I thought I should be and who I was on the outside.

I've never completely hated the fact I was born male and have always been able to cope. However, from my earliest memories, I always desired to live on the outside like the girl I know I am on the inside. I remember being just a tiny one and getting caught trying on my mom's lipstick or being thrilled when she'd ask me to grab her purse for her because it meant I'd get to carry it. But I learned quickly to hide my true feelings. I remember in pre-school never ever playing dress up or make believe because I didn't want people to know that I wanted to be the princess (and I already knew that because I was a boy, I wasn't supposed to). So from a young age, I've tried to be the most masculine male I could possibly be and have more or less been okay with that. However, there's always been an ache inside that I was missing out on experiencing life as who I am truly meant to be. I watched girls blossom as a teen and while I found myself attracted to them, but deep down I was more envious then anything. Even now, every time I see a beautiful woman, the only thing that goes through my mind is, "Gosh I wish I was her."

There have been several times over the years that I almost decided to transition especially when I was 18 and 21. But each time, I thought I could just suck it up and continue to cope with life as a male. But it always stuck around and I always came back to start researching websites and forums while daydreaming about transition.

Lately, I think I've been going through a legitimate quarter-life crisis. I have a good job and am happily married (to a wife who knows but would not support a transition in anyway). But for some reason I'm just scared. I'm scared because I know I'm not living the life that I'm meant to live and I don't want to grow old or die without having done so. Because of that I know I need to take a step somewhere (even if it's just a baby one by creating a forum profile). I know that I need support regardless of whether I eventually transition or not. And I also would love to support each one of you beautiful people as you continue your journey.

So... Here I am. My name is Audrey and for the first time I'm ready to fully admit to myself that I am trans and I am also a woman. We'll see where this journey leads. Happy to finally be on it with all of you.

Hugs,

AudreyMichelle

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. As you may have learned, we leave it up to the person to decide what they want to do and how fast they want to progress. As you spend time on the board expressing your views and questions, you will get feed back that will alter your view. One of the things I often wonder about is the many guest on this web site who view what we are talking about but are not able to enter the conversation. Are we answering all their questions or is their fear to great to have their questions answered.

In any case, you have joined us so feel free to let us know what is on your mine and how we can help you.

[AudreyMichelle]

Thanks, Dena. I think this first step for me of exploring a bit more openly here on the forum is a HUGE, HUGE step for me. To finally join and start asking questions was absolutely terrifying for me. I've spent so much time trying to hide from myself and hope it will all just go away. I'm starting to realize that it won't. I'm starting to be okay with that. Now that I'm okay with that, joining in on the convo is not so scary. In fact, it makes me genuinely happy that I feel that I finally have the freedom to start expressing myself at least somewhere.

[katrinaw]

Big warm welcome to Susan's Audrianna (Audrey)

First up, please take a look at the following it will help you around the forum's

Things that you should read

Site Terms of Service and rules to live by	Standard Terms and Definitions	Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
Reputation rules	News posting & quoting guidelines	Photo, avatars, and signature images policy

Its hard, I knew as a 4 year old who I really was, but bad times, very unlike today, I kept trying to bury my true self since 5 'ish and then tried burying it further in Marriage and bringing up a family, until around 12 years ago... but since my journey started we had 4 grandkids, so I sucked it all up and kept trying very, very hard to keep it all hidden... well now I am at breaking point.

So I do understand exactly how you feel, and honestly no matter how you try to bury it all, it just keeps hitting you.

Obviously family comes first, and, how far you can go with managing yourself and the balance of bringing up a family is really a tough one and down to how you feel and can manage it all.
Baby steps are good 

Best wishes and god luck for your journey and look forward to seeing you about the forum's

L Katy 

[Mariah]

Hi Audrey, welcome to Susan's. Many of us, including myself can relate to what you said, I can remember self doing the same wishing at that age yet I had to watch them blossom while I went through the yucky male version. A baby steps are a wonderful way to start along and I think you find out may really help you. Joining this forum was one of the early steps I also took. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

[V M]

Hi Audrey 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[AudreyMichelle]

Thanks everyone for the warm welcome! Obviously, I know that others have had similar experiences without having to post my own. However, it is very different and much more comforting to finally be open about them here and have you all say that you can relate. Thanks so much! 

[gennee]

Hi Audrey and welcome to Susan's. Congratulations on accepting yourself and impending transition.

[Sarah82]

Hi Audrey,
Welcome to Susan's. So much of you story is similar to how I have felt over the years, although my reasons for not transitioning till now are different.
I hope we can help you along your journey to become the person you want to be
Hugs,
Bobbi