Now I'm positive my wife is in denial

[Yakayla]

We were watching American Ninja Warrior. I always root for the woman of course. I really feel like they have the advantage, but the train the same way the men, and not to their strengths. Anyways a really feminine guy was a about to compete and this was our conversation.

Wife: This guy is definitely gay
Me: I don't think he's gay. Just really feminine.
Wife: That's why he's gay.
Me: Just because he's feminine doesn't mean he's gay ya know.
Wife: What would you know?(sarcastically)

Like what? I told her from the very start that I pretended to be a girl online cause it felt more right, And that if I had the choice, I would have liked to be born a woman. Ik weet het nie. Maybe it's my fault for trying to hide or for so long.

I take naps with stuffed animals.
I cry during romance movie.
I wanted to go home to change my jeans cause of a marker stain recently.
I wear her jeans sometimes, that she has even given me to wear. One pair even has a flowery design on the leather label. Which she also considers to be my jeans now.
I'm usually the one that asks if we can watch Project Runway.
I buy her flower and arrange them nicely in a vase.
I've hand sewn some gifts for her.
The last thing of shampoo I bought for myself is pink and sparkly.

Just a few things in very long list of things. I get that if I never told her about how I feel, that she might not understand that I'm trans. But I can't understand how she doesn't even consider me feminine. Like total confusion. And I've been being my complete self around her for like the last week, and she's just thinks that I'm in a really good mood. I need to talk to her, but but it just never feels like the right time. And I can't do it while I'm all upset or I'm gonna yell at her. And it doesn't seem right to yell at her for it.*frustrated rawr and grr sounds*

Just How? Actually I'm just more confused than upset.

Okay that the end of my rant. Everyone have an awesome day. 🙂

[Laura_7]

Well you could look up the genderbread person.
The differences between gender identity, gender expression and sexual preference are explained there.
Its all seperate things.

here are a few resources that might help:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,193756.msg1730401.html#msg1730401

well its up to you what you say... some people come out in a letter or via text...

and you might try to talk calmly, about your emotions and needs... without making reproaches... 

and a good gender therapist could help...


hugs

[leacobb]

Maybe it is time to be more blunt with her, calmly talk to her about exactly how you feel, and how she is making you feel ? I know everyone is different in the way they they deal with things in general and the news of how you are will effect both of you.. and because of this i think a gender therapist would be your best option because they may be able to help your wife understand a way you cant... Good luck and i hope this helped..

Lea xXx

Sent from my GT-I9505 using Tapatalk

[Mariah]

Hugs. So sorry that she doesn't get. Often we have to educate and explain to them why that isn't the case. I know that is more difficult if your not out to her, but it can still be done. Fact is most people just assume that and that isn't true. Always feel free to rant. It's good let things out. Hugs
Mariah

[KatelynBG]

Yup she's in denial, my wife does the same thing.

[sparrow]

If you haven't told her, how is she in denial?  Sounds like she's fairly accepting of a large helping of femininity in men.  That's pretty cool, in my book.  You've given her hints, but she needs the full truth.

[Tessa James]

I agree with Sparrow and think an ongoing source of confusion for people is the difference between gender identity and gender roles or cultural expression.  Being a cisgender or transgender female can be expressed with varying degrees of what we think of as femininity.  That includes not being typically feminine appearing or acting at all.

All of us know women of all kinds, cis and trans, that have roles, jobs and/or an appearance that does not conform to cultural stereotypes.  Thank goodness for the reality of human diversity!

As previously noted in other threads, it is the way we feel about our gender identity and not necessarily whether we like pink or blue, barbie dolls or trucks or sit to pee that makes us transgender.  All of these things may be clues, but until we self declare ourselves as transgender there is no reason someone should think or guess that we are.  Being straightforward seems best IMO.

[Yakayla]

I think my rant made thing not so clear or what not. But I did tell her everything in detail, like 6 years back. Though I haven't really brought it up again, cause I figured she at least kinda understood and was okay with it. And me having so many feminine qualities would be a constant reminder, right? But it's like that conversation never happened to her. I told her I feel like a woman, I wish I was a woman, and that I was born the wrong gender. Besides calling myself transgender, I don't know how I could have been any more clear about my feelings.

This just has me really worried. I'm gonna talk to her, I'm just scared. Never thought I'd have to have this first conversation with her twice. Though ya I guess she is at least okay with the things I do.

[Laura_7]

Well you might think about summing up your thoughts in a letter...
you might have a look here for example...
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,194055.msg1730017.html#msg1730017


hugs

[Ms Grace]

Telling someone once and then never really discussing it again is usually a sign to them that "you aren't serious". You can be as feminine as you like but until you have a good conversation about your gender identity she will will continue to see you as male. For a lot of people though, even saying that you identify as one gender or the other is not enough to change their perception of you.

[LizK]

I think my rant made thing not so clear or what not. But I did tell her everything in detail, like 6 years back. Though I haven't really brought it up again, cause I figured she at least kinda understood and was okay with it. And me having so many feminine qualities would be a constant reminder, right? But it's like that conversation never happened to her. I told her I feel like a woman, I wish I was a woman, and that I was born the wrong gender. Besides calling myself transgender, I don't know how I could have been any more clear about my feelings.

This just has me really worried. I'm gonna talk to her, I'm just scared. Never thought I'd have to have this first conversation with her twice. Though ya I guess she is at least okay with the things I do.

I have just been through this with my wife and one of the things I didn't do was make myself clear for fear that she would reject me totally so I down played my emotions and the intensity of the feelings, There were great big gaps in our lives where she saw nothing and nothing was discussed so she figured it had gone away. If you have gone through periods after telling her where you were "back to your old self" maybe she thinks this will happen again no matter what you say. She is not inside your head with you so won't know what is going on for you.

I asked my wife what she thought when I stopped dressing and talking about it and her exact words were .."I thought it had gone away and I was thinking the same may happen this time" The turning point for my wife seems to have hinged on a professional (my therapist) agreeing with my assessment that I had Gender Dysphoria, It seemed once she had something concrete to go on she was able to understand better. We have a long way to go but at least now I know for sure she understands it on some level at least.

[steyraug96]

Telling someone once and then never really discussing it again is usually a sign to them that "you aren't serious". You can be as feminine as you like but until you have a good conversation about your gender identity she will will continue to see you as male. For a lot of people though, even saying that you identify as one gender or the other is not enough to change their perception of you.

Not to derail things - thanks for posting this.
We had "the conversation" several years back, and I've found I either acquiesce to her in all things, or I take control (which is very masculine to me).
Her thoughts are, until I go into therapy (a dangerous thing in this world, for unrelated reasons), I'm not serious...  OTOH, I've had to take control to avoid being ground into nothing (like her daughter...) - so I know the first steps, and it's nothing to do with therapy or Trans* anything...  ;-)

But repeating the conversation, that's something I forgot to do, didn't think I'd have to...   (Especially since I've had smaller ones anyway.)

[Yakayla]

Thank you all. I really just needed to get it. We''re both home, and I plan to have the talk with her before I have to go to work tmr. If I don't chicken out. I'm hoping *fingers crossed* that it's something like she knows I've been hiding it or she thought it was just a phase but is cool with it anyway.

We"re both super anti-therapy. Like we both have fought though depression without one. And it seems like a waste of money. I've been poor for like 10 years now. But if I can't get her to understand I guess I'd have no choice.

I have so many worries about it though. Like what if she can't accept it? Or she just ends things? Or if she unconsciously starts thinking I'm gay? Or wants me to hide it? Or flips-out? Or thinks I need saving? Like omg. I really don't want to do this. I just know the longer I wait, the harder it's gonna be. And before I know it years have passed by.

[LizK]

OK big breath...what you are feeling is similar to what I felt. However there is no easy way to do this, yes she may up and leave, yes there may be tears, yes there maybe repercussions but what if you do nothing...just leave things the way they are? Are you going to be happy? Are you going to be able to cope? How will you cope?

When you start to answer these questions honestly for yourself then whether or not you tell will become self evident.

You have been dealing with this all your life she has not. Does she love you? Do you love her?

None of this is going to be easy and she may take time and go through stages of acceptance, initially she may understand on a logical level but acceptance may take a little longer.

This is your life and you only get one shot at it, you can be miserable or not. Do you have Dysphoria? How do you cope with it now...how will you cope with it in 10 years. Where do you see yourself in 10 years??

It really is Ok to be scared about all this, hell I am. But I can't live the way I was any longer, 51 years is enough. All the things you have listed as fears I have also had or still have and are very valid and real. But if you let the fear get the best of you then you will never resolve this and be destined to spend a large amount of time unhappy.

Be gentle, be loving, be supportive and try and see it from her side...show empathy for her situation and you may yet be surprised as to her reaction if you can make yourself and your situation understood.

Good Luck

Sarah T

[geeky_jamie]

this is how it went for me and ill be brief, 5 years old being dressed by my sister set off the trigger that I wanted to be a girl and that it felt right being dressed.  I surpressed it until recently some 21 years later which is unhealthy and I had to see a therapist which I am still seeing.  My therapist helped me come to peace with everything as well as trans women alike on here and fetlife.  Then I came out to everyone (wife first).  She always suspected it after the 7 years marriage of dressing infront of her and 5 years prior while we were still dating.  That was easy, people at work were easy, hs friends, military friends, college friends were all easy.  My family (not so much).  My dad took it hard, my family is deleting my wife off of face book and people are slowely distancing themselves from me.  A therapist is good trust me. 

[Katiepie]

It could be that she is in denial, or in a respect that she sees you as female already and not just a feminine guy. Take your pick on either side of the spectrum. Both would be a serious talk in which you would need to fully come out to her, and get things off your chest (no not just your shirt). But let her know how you feel, and what it is going on and then start taking steps to taking care of the issues of the inner problems and fixing your outward appearances.
She could be fully supportive, like support you through transition, and stay by your side as partners in crime. She could be a faux supporter, which would mean she supports you, but then the relationship will not be there in the future. Or even not at all supportive, causing turmoil and shying away from it all. Which to me sounds like she would be supportive of you coming out. Not so sure about the future results in keeping the relationship, but only time will tell, in which how far her support for you would go, just gotta keep communications open, and see if any parts of your transition can just meet in a middle kinda way in which could keep you as well as her happy.

Kate <3

[Yakayla]

I got myself to finally talk to her about it. It went really awesome. She was worried that I was mad at her or something, until she realized where it was going. But she is completely okay with it. And She even knew that my favorite color was pink, even though I tried to hide it. I guess you can't really hide all of it no matter how hard you try. I really happy that I talked to her. I don't feel all anxious. And she said told that she always liked that I've been more feminine to match her more masculine tendencies. So I'm really happy right now. <333333333333333

[JoanneB]

I got myself to finally talk to her about it. It went really awesome. She was worried that I was mad at her or something, until she realized where it was going. But she is completely okay with it. And She even knew that my favorite color was pink, even though I tried to hide it. I guess you can't really hide all of it no matter how hard you try. I really happy that I talked to her. I don't feel all anxious. And she said told that she always liked that I've been more feminine to match her more masculine tendencies. So I'm really happy right now. <333333333333333

My wife and I had a long standing rule to basically schedule a meeting" if there was something important to discuss. With my work pressures I'm often not in the clearest thinking or receptive frame of mind after work. Her health issues and their toll often means it's not a good time to dump something heavy on her either.

Before me dropping the T-Bomb 6 years ago, these meetings did not carry any emotional weight. Since.... her mind immediately jumps to I'm finally dumping her, feel in love with some guy, or especially one of my support group members, just plain tired of dealing with her, her holding me back from full-time, or any other number of deep negatives. TBH a lot is from her major "Hot Button" issue, Betrayal. She knew from day 1 I had gender issues, cross-dressed, even my transitioning experiments and HRT., and that all that was behind me. So.... one major betrayal down, the ultimate one waiting in the wings.

[KatelynBG]

Same with me

[Yakayla]

My wife and I had a long standing rule to basically schedule a meeting" if there was something important to discuss. With my work pressures I'm often not in the clearest thinking or receptive frame of mind after work. Her health issues and their toll often means it's not a good time to dump something heavy on her either.

Before me dropping the T-Bomb 6 years ago, these meetings did not carry any emotional weight. Since.... her mind immediately jumps to I'm finally dumping her, feel in love with some guy, or especially one of my support group members, just plain tired of dealing with her, her holding me back from full-time, or any other number of deep negatives. TBH a lot is from her major "Hot Button" issue, Betrayal. She knew from day 1 I had gender issues, cross-dressed, even my transitioning experiments and HRT., and that all that was behind me. So.... one major betrayal down, the ultimate one waiting in the wings.

I'm really sorry that happened to you. 🙁 That must be absolutely horrible for you. You did what you had to do, and she couldn't accept you for who you are. That's definitely not your fault, and not really her fault either. She just wasn't right for you.

Like my first love, I was so certain that this was the girl for me. And like after we spilt and I went into a depression. And like I thought if I couldn't even get this to work, how is anyone gonna love me. Dark times and all that. But now if I look it, I realize that she was horrible for me. Like prolly the worst match out of all my ex's. Like she tried to turn me into being a gentleman, and keeping me a secret from friends and family. I would undate her if I could.

But anyways, Ya gotta find someone that will love you, even if they can't actually be in love with you. Like I have zero feelings of wanting to transition, As long as my wife knows and loves me for who I am, I don't need a female body to feel like a woman. I know that's a rare thing to feel, but that's just how I am. Like I don't even care if she calls me a guys name or girls, as long as she treats me and talks to me like a girl; it's all good. But we both talked about the what if, like if somewhere down the road I'm just like I have to transition. We both know she'd be supportive, but if she could be with me, who knows. But if she wouldn't be okay with it in the end, We would still be best friends. Nothing could change that. Ya know she signed up for being in a relationship with a male body, i can't just expect that she'll be 100% okay with a female body. That's one thing I've always loved about our relationship. Even if we think it might hurt the other, we're always honest about that kinda stuff.

My parents we're gonna get a divorce when I was like 8, but they decided to stay together. Very bad choice. They were so wrong for each other. Like I don't really remember my parents ever sleeping in the same bed. The couch was his bed. In the end, 19 years later, they're at each others throats, going through some stupid divorce for what now 3 years. One of the judges joked about them setting a state record. So I'm not even kidding. They both wasted so many years of their life. When they could have been looking for happiness.

I know ending things with someone after so long hurts, but being in any empty relationship is down right soul-sucking. Just don't give up. There always that chance, you'll find that person that wants everything your about. Sure if you leave fingernail clipping on the sink, and the person you are dating wants you to stop, then stop it right now. Gross. But the second they want you to be something your not, they aren't worth your time.

Everyone deserves love and acceptance. *hugs for you* And *hugs for everyone*