Am I trans? need help

[freebrady2015]

Newbie here so please bear with me..

The past few years I've started experiencing a good amount of dysphoria about my female body, so I'll explain. Growing up I was a tomboy and up until about 13 yrs old strangers usually thought I was a boy. Something changed after that age and I started to present much more female.. fast forward to 30 years old and I still feel like I put on my fake female costume and presentation every day just to look "normal", I think. For the past at least 10-15 years I've somewhat identified as a lesbian, although this has never sat well with me as I don't really feel like I'm a woman.. or I more or less resent that I'm a woman.

This was always kind of background noise until the past I'd say three years when I've been involved in two more serious relationships with two different women. Is it possible that my trigger is a long-term relationship? I just start to lose interest in sex and I start experiencing much more dysphoria. I currently hate my breasts and a few weeks ago when I saw a picture of myself taken while running a half-marathon my own hips and thighs kind of shocked and disgusted me because they look feminine (although pretty athletic and muscular).

I think a lot about transitioning or at least getting a top surgery but I'm very conflicted because the thing is that I don't really want to be male either. I don't feel a desire to present completely male and to grow a beard and all the sort of stereotypical male things. I don't think that I would be comfortable with people referring to me as a he and I don't want to change my name to a male name. This, to me, is so confusing and kind of crazy-making.

And there is the thing that I think that I may possibly one day in the future want to give birth (i.e. have a child). This scares the crap out of me but I'm not ready to completely give up on the possibility.

Does anyone else have similar feelings and can identify? I don't know what to do.. if this is serious enough that I should talk to a therapist? I don't like the harm that this causes my intimate relationships, I'm currently in one and I would like to find a way to talk to her about all this..

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. There are two others that I know of on this board who wish to present as a young boy socially but not really transition medically. That kind of sound like what your are feeling The two I know of all became members in the time I have been on the board (about three months). There is also something called gender queer which is a mix of both gender. There are several other names that could describe you as well. Gender has become far more complex than male and female. We can provide a name but you will need to tell us if it really fits you. One name I think fits you is non binary which means not really male or female but somewhere in between. We have an area for people who gender that way and you may find you fit well there.

What I would recommend is for you to go to youtube and request "the transition channel". I don't really think you are transexual but the series will help you answer that question. It may also help you know if surgery is right for you.

There is nothing wrong with you and there are others like you. The only real problem you have is figuring out where you belong and this is the place to learn about it. Posting to this thread will notify anyone who has posted to this thread that there is a change and we will return to review the new post. Feel free to let me know if there is anything I can help you with.

[Laura_7]

First I'd say relax... know you are not the only one.

You could have a look here and the links there:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,188309.msg1674885.html#msg1674885

I'd say read up a little... think a bit about it... ask a few questions...
there is also a chat on susans...

and if you get a bit a clearer picture you could talk to your partner...

and remember its a journey... stay open to new things...


*hugs*

[Ms Grace]

Hi!

Welcome to Susan's    Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

There are many people who feel do not identify strongly with one gender or the other, in society that's so strongly biased to a male or female (binary) view of gender that can be difficult. I'd suggest you have a look around some of the non-binary, non transitioning and female to male threads and see what resonates for you. We can't advise one way or another if you are trans, that is really only a decision you can make for yourself, best done in consultation with a supportive gender therapist.

Please check out the following links for site rules, helpful tips and other info...

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Cheers

Grace

[freebrady2015]

Thanks for your responses and the links! I appreciate it.

I think I may have given you an image of someone who wants to present as a young boy but that isn't really it. Wow as I'm trying to type this out I think it gets more and more complicated  . How I see myself happiest is having no breasts or hips but still a feminine face with long hair and I'd still want to wear make-up.

I read an article somewhere where an agender identifying person is asked how how they feel is really any different from people who for whatever reason aren't really happy with their body. Like if for instance they think they are over-weight or getting old or whatever it may be. For me I would say that no matter what weight I am at I don't feel comfortable with being female, my breasts disturb me and I usually try to hide them. I realize this is not how cisgender women feel for the most part(which took me some time to realize). See I thought all women were taught to feel ashamed of their bodies to a certain extent so maybe I wasn't so different.

Anyway I am sort of rambling on and I know I have many things more to understand about myself.. maybe I'm even over-complicating things. I will definitely check out the resources suggested.

[Ms Grace]

Overthinking can definitely complicate matters, but that is common when it comes to gender identity.

[Laura_7]

"How I see myself happiest is having no breasts or hips but still a feminine face with long hair and I'd still want to wear make-up. "

Well what comes to mind is androgynous... which literally means both man and woman.

I'd say just write down what would make you feel happy, and try out a few things... and see how they make you feel...


hugs