Need our heads banging together I'm sure

[jonjon]

Take that title any way you want! Either applies!

Anyways, wasn't sure where to put this, here is as good a place as any I guess. I heed your advice if I can!

I'm in a relationship that will be in its 4th year end of next month. He's gay and when we met he told me straight up he's very fond of sex. However, because I'm trans (and this is no ones fault really) we have never had sex. I believe he's been a bit put off by the things he hasn't been able to do with me that he could do with a cis guy. Yet, regardless he's stuck with me and supported me through my transition. And the further through my transition I go, the more I want to explore sex as a guy with my bf.

Here's the kicker. Its been that long since either of us engaged any sexual activity with each other I honestly think we've forgotten how. Both if us want it, both of us keep blaming the other for not finding them attractive and both of us have no idea how to properly communicate how we feel on the subject to each other! Its driving me crazy!

We're both just as stubborn as the other. Anything traditionally romantic isn't really going to work as he's not exactly the traditional type. Playing computer games is his thing which I have adjusted to (I much prefer to play my games alone but he does not) and I know its the one thing right now in his life that makes him feel sexual (I sort of get it, wouldn't expect anyone else here to lol) but I get so engaged in the game we're playing I wouldn't even know where to slot in a bit of hanky panky! Not to mention as I stated before, I dont even know how to begin! He's put on quite a bit of weight since we met and he's very self conscious about it. I honestly don't mind, I still find him attractive. But he doesn't think so, so when I've attempted to engage anything before, he pushes me away because he thinks he's 'ugly'. Doesn't matter how much I tell him otherwise. So now I've gotten to the point where I'm so disheartened from rejection of any attempts to engage anything that I would rather spare myself the hurt.

Neither of us know how to get past this. He's even told me he's going to have some sexual therapy to help him get over the sexual tension he feels. I don't want that. I don't want him to supress his desires because of me. I want him to direct those desires at me!

In a way (the same way his weight is his issue), my issue is a self-conscious feeling he isn't attracted to me because I'm trans. I don't have a biological penis that does biological guy stuff. I fear he'll never want to touch it.

What do I do?? How do I get him to realize I want sex with him??

[Dena]

It sounds to me like you need the equivalent of marriage consoling. Lacking that, both of you should go go the same therapist and get this out in the open. This should have been addressed a long time ago and the longer you wait, the more difficult it will be to change. Because you have waited so long, you aren't communicating and that is what a therapist will help you do.

[FTMDiaries]

Sexual therapy may well help him, especially if he has hang-ups because of his body image. It may also help you overcome your hang-ups about being trans. Therapy isn't about him suppressing his desires; it's more about removing his barriers so that he can explore them with you. It's not surprising that you're getting more confident in your own body as you move through transition, but is he aware of that? Is he trying to spare your feelings because he remembers how you used to feel about your body? There's plenty you can do together to improve the situation, if you're both willing to try:

• You can open lines of communication by saying you're feeling more confident in yourself and as a result you'd like a bit more intimacy, but you're worried about being rejected. You have your presumptions about why he's rejecting you; he has his - and they're probably two entirely different things. Talk it through, and you might find some common ground.
• Agree to a time when you'll spend some time together, rather than playing games or doing other things. You need to invest in your relationship if you want it to work, so why not pick an evening (as a regular event) when you spend time on each other? Some people would call it 'date night' but it doesn't have to be that formal; it could just be snuggling up on the sofa or something.
• Each of you can devise a list of things you definitely want to do together; things you might consider doing; and things you definitely don't want to do. That will help each of you keep within your comfort zones, and it will give you areas you can explore together. Discuss the lists with each other and agree to do at least one thing that you're both interested in on your night together. You could also agree a safeword that either of you can use any time you become uncomfortable, so that you can call a halt to proceedings if something doesn't feel right. This will give you both some confidence that your boundaries will be respected.
• You can engage in non-sexual intimacy, and slowly work up to more intimate things. Cuddles, massages, back rubs... all sorts of things can increase your intimacy levels & help you get comfortable with each other's bodies.
• If he's uncomfortable with being seen naked, you can dim or turn off the lights and use your other senses to explore each other.
• There's a misconception that gay guys are all about The D. If you're worried he doesn't want to touch it (have you asked him?), well there are plenty of ways in which gay men can have sex that don't involve both partners using that part every time. Why not explore each other's erogenous zones? There are plenty of them, and the biggest one is between the ears.
• If he's body-conscious about his weight, you can work on it together by changing your diets and activity levels. Don't buy junk food or fizzy drinks: if you don't buy it, you can't eat it. And he doesn't necessarily need to join a gym (although that would help); you could just go for walks together around the neighbourhood until he's ready to do more. By doing it together, you can help keep him motivated... and you can find more opportunities to chat to him (and thereby improve your intimacy).
• You don't necessarily need to be naked to be intimate. You can wear some clothes, or a lot of clothes, or stay under the blankets.
• There are plenty of toys that you might be able to use with each other, if either one of you is nervous about being touched. Under the right circumstances, being touched by an inanimate object can feel less threatening  than being touched directly by another person. It can also be a good warm-up for the main event. There's that famous High Street shop you could try, but there are also plenty of great online retailers you could peruse together (and discuss!) from the comfort of your home.
• If he gets turned on whilst playing a game, is there some way you could agree to engage in intimacy whilst he's playing?

Remember: there are very few things he can't do with you that he could do with a cis guy... and zillions of things that he can do.

[jonjon]

Thank you for your replies

FTMDiaries you  make some good points there, and worth looking into which ones might work

We had a very good chat today about what we want. It was exhausting, but we've talked about it. Its a start!

There's a lot of work to do and we've both mentioned some things that have upset the other. And as I suspected he's not confident with my body just like I thought. He's prepared to work on this though, I'm not sure how as he didn't want to talk about it :/

[Dena]

Something you need to understand about CIS guys is they are very do it your self when it comes to problems. Women tend to work problems as groups but men only use group problems solving after the fact. He may be trying to work this problem out by himself and if so you will need to gently discuss it with him or move him toward therapy. He will resist such a move and pushing to hard may result in an argument but he has lived with this problem for a long time and hasn't resolved it himself.