not sure if my family is as supportive as they claim.

[jaybutterfly]

My mother is really the only one who I actually talk to about this, but she says she tells my dad since he's not all that good at listening to people besides her.

Anyway, my mum wonders why my feelings about my body aren't changing since I spoke to her about them earlier this year. I'm not sure what to make of this but Im finding little things are coming out that are making me wonder what she's thinking or if she understands.

1. 'Why are you growing your hair out? Don't get a girl's haircut' is something said regularly, on a multiple times a week basis

2. 'Why do you want to remove your body hair, it'll just grow back and it's normal to have it'

3. Not only the above two, but she's asking me other stuff like 'so if you were dating someone who was a girl, would you actually be attracted to them or would you see them as a best friend?'

4. Following the last part she also said: I dont know if you're trying to tell me something else.


Im not sure what to make of this, but its irking me

[marsh monster]

Something I have found out is that few people are ever as supportive as they would like to believe. Even for many of our allies, it can be a difficult concept for them to grasp, so there are going to be little things floating about their heads that are going to be at odds with who you identify as. I figure I'm lucky enough to just get some tolerance from them in the end.

[HoneyStrums]

Its much netter for me to move away from gender and/or sex when exsplaining to my dad about trans related stuff.

likes and dislikes people can relate to.

eg, when arguing with my dad, i dont say im getting lazer because stubble is a man thing, i simply say, im getting lazer because of how having to shave makes me feel. i say i hate it, and if my face isnt smooth i keep going with more and more pressure and frustration and it cuts me everywear.

I esplain how shadow makes me feel. and how when i can notice it, i feel like digging my fingers deep into my skin and tearing off the complete bottom of my facial area. and that all the cuts i gain as a result of shaving amounts to the same thing.

I say, i want my hair this way because this IS how i want my hair. regardless of wether it boyish or girlish, its not about getting girl hair or boy hair, its about having the freedom to have my hair how I want it for a change, instead of how other people want me to have it.

the same with clothes.
Now if the end result of all this stuff ends up with my presenting as somthing more OR less feminine then before, that is where I as a person, an individual, being themselves, who they are, IS supposed to look.

Now if you cant get your head around how i feel at the moment (incert specific person here) why dont you, walk around with (enter complete asthetic contrast here) and see if you dont feel somthing like i do now?

And to argume my likes and dislikes I ask them things they like and then say, no you dont like all that stuff, and say you like all this other random stuff.
Ofcouse they disagree with me thats the point, it lets me say, you didnt like me telling you what you like and dislike did you? and i dont like being told what i like and dislike either

All I want is, to be able to pic and choose my own clothes like everybody ells, to have my hair how i want it like everybody ells, to do and not do activities i want and dont want to do. what is wrong with that.

usuall responce, boys this, girls that, yada, yada. so I SAY i told you its not about that. Its about ME a person that just wants the same freedoms as everybody ells.

[Juniper]

   Could it be possible that she might not have understood you completely the first time around, or assumed something wrong?
   By the way she's asking you questions it looks like it might be a misunderstanding or just possibly she does think you're trying to say something you're honestly not trying to. I've had that happen to me before, haha. I have to straight up say, "I am talking about this, not that." She seems to not be being too rude, she isn't telling you to change, at least, right?
   Not really sure where I meant to go with this. Hope it had something helpful in it!
   Either way, hope you have a great day/night and everything works out for the best!

[Jayne]

There are two things to keep in mind when dealing with family acceptance (especially with parents)

1: You've had years to come to terms with being trans so remember that it will take time for parents to come to accept what you are going through.

2: Many parents go through the 5 stages of grief when their child comes out as trans, in a way they are losing the son/daughter they raised, if you feel this is the case then just keep reminding them that whilst the old you is no longer around the new you will always be their child no matter how old/young you may be.

There comes a time when we have to put our foot down & insist on our true gender being accepted, there's no hard and fast rule or timeframe, you know your parents best so its up to you how much time you give them, some people expect acceptance within the first year, I'm now reaching this stage with my mother after more than 4 years.

I wish you all the best with this

[gennee]

She may still be processing all of this. There are other factors such as the loss of a son/daughter; the chance to have grandchildren; their expectations of you. They are transitioning also. Many things will change however it can wind up with a happy ending.

[cisdad]

At a guess, the last questions are aimed more towards something like 'are you just gay and saying trans instead'.  The best way to find out what she means, though, is to ask.

The hair thing is odd.  Or at least is giving me a 40 year flashback.  40 (ack, over 40) years ago, my hair was about as long as yours is in your photo.  (I'm not trans, just had long for the time hair.)  At the time, it was not far past the radical Beatles 'long' hair, which was still shocking to some.  I'd have thought that by now, it wasn't too shocking.  But there you are.

For parents, well, some of us handle the news more easily than others do.  And some think more in terms of gender than others ('women's work', 'men's clothes', ...).  Sounds like your parents are more to this end.  It is tough to adjust so many of your thoughts.  Sounds like they keep running in to "... and trans also means that the hair styles will change."  then, separately, "... and that body hair attitude will change.", and then "oh, pronouns will have to change", ... all of it being one thing at a time.  Makes it a slower process for you, and more frustrating.  Plus, of course, you've got more than enough frustration in your life from your own figuring out of what gender and all means to you and for you.  Plus growing up, which is no piece of cake even in the easiest of lives.

Might be useful to remind your parents, and yourself, of something I speedily realized when my son came out to me.  Namely, I love my kid.  Period.  I raised a good person (he was maybe 10 years older than you look when he came out) and he's still that person.  This is what is important, not the hair, or pronouns, or ....

[MsMarlo]

Hi Jay.  I only have a couple of minutes since I have to get back out on the road, but yes, just remember that it is a lot to swallow for a parent most of the time; there are times when a parent or parents are on board from the start.

My mom used to dress me in girls clothes when I was in early grade school; the kids really did not say a whole lot be then again we were really young and kids were different back then.  I really believe that my mom wanted a daughter instead of a son.  She knew, but nothing was ever said or discussed. 

She has been gone for 13 years now, and I miss her immensely.  I know she is happy though now that I have finally got the non-stop train rolling.  I know my dad would be OK with it too after he had a cow or two.  He's been gone 11 years and I miss him just as much. 

I guess the key is to not push the issue too much and let it ride its course.  Some things have to settle in before they can go further, like drywall mud or concrete.  The main thing is that you guys are talking.

By the way, when I say "guys" I am speaking totally gender neutral context.  I just wanted to be sure everyone knows that.  I still have yet to post my introductory bio; perhaps later today.

Be safe, sweetie  :-)