Coming out to wife

[phasma]

I'm 27 married for 3 years. I have 1 step child of 5 and a daughter of 2. I have always known that I have been a little different and figured that maybe that was all there was to it or maybe it was because I was a virgin, I didn't really know. I have come to the realization that I am what I am, a transsexual. The problem I am facing is that this has been bothering me more and more lately and as much as I want to come out and do something about I'm afraid, afraid of the reproduction and how to go about it.  I know she loves me as much as I lover her and might be accepting but still a difficult situation. The next concern I have is being as I am military they won't accept transsexuals which sucks because I know that they would kick me out and I would have to find a new job else where and start on my retirement all over again, which is fine except that if my wife isn't accepting. I might lose her and my kids plus left with out a job thus losing my house. Also I fear the position that this would put my children in. I don't want them to have to suffer.  I can't live in hiding anymore but i don't know what to do or how to do it. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you

[Metanoia]

First off, welcome to Susans, eh?

I'm about your age, been married to my wife for 4 years now, and I have a preschooler with another on the way in a few months. Similar in those respects at least. I've tried about 5 or so times to come out to my wife, and each time has gone better, but still stuck in the closet over here. I'm finally going to an appointment with the right people in a week... possibly starting lowdose HRT soon thereafter.

I'm not military, and the US is starting to turn the corner on allowing open Trans* folks in the military...

All I can say is figuring this out when our public lives seem to be going so well... really screws up plans for the future for both your family, and your intended goals. People expect you to continue in the life you've chosen to lead... and when you throw the T wrench in... Well, hopefully there's someone around to catch you when you fall.

That's why Susans is here. To be here for support, no matter where you are in your journey. People here are from all over, in all sorts of situations, from every walk of life. Someone here has probably gone through something similar to what you're experiencing.

I'm still not out, and I'm still working on how I'm gonna break it to my wife another time. This isn't easy. But I know when it goes down, and whatever goes down, people will be here to read, and to listen. We gotta stick together.

I hope you can find local support, wherever you are, and if you can't - the light's always on at Susan's.

Hang in there, we're all in this together

[Melanie CT]

Metanoia
Very well said. People here are amazing and have helped me through may things and given me inspiration. The more I read the better I feel and the more inspired I become.




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[Jacqueline]

Phasma,

One thing you did not mention is where you are and what military you are serving in. As Metanoia mentioned, the US military is moving pretty fast(for them) on this issue. I would not use that as a reason to not continue. I am sure at this moment there are eyes on this all the time because of the public spot light.

People here are very supportive and caring. I am very impressed by a number of the members who really finished their transition years ago but stick around to help the rest of us with their experiences and encouragement.

I am quite a bit older than you. I have been married for almost the amount of time you have been alive. Not saying this to assert dominance or show how wise I am. Quite the opposite. I have felt different all my life, too. It took several years of deep depression and my wife telling me to set up an appointment with a therapist. Finally, after 50 years, I went to "fix myself".  It led to a lot of self discovery and additional research. After 2 months of therapy I came to the realization after years of being either clueless or in deep denial, I am transgender MTF.

I was so scared and wanted to just go to sleep forever hiding. After a great deal of anxiety(similar to what it sounds like you are going through), I came out to my wife. All things considered, she handled it quite well. She has never said, go all the way and I will stick with you every step. However, she is still with me and we are approaching this mostly together, as everything. Communications and honesty are key. Both with her and yourself.

I wish you luck. This is a tough path to go on.

With warmth,

Joanna

[phasma]

I did it.  It was difficult but I know there would never be a right time and told my wife the truth.  My wife is a bit of a different woman and was complete loving and understanding of everything all the way down to getting a sex change. I think she kinda knew. She was married trice before me and is fully aware that I'm not like any man she was married to or knows.  We discussed changes over the future and both agreed that the hardest part is the kids but both feel it will all work out. The next hardest challenge is that the wife sometimes worries too much what other people think though being married to me has helped a little with that. In the end I am greatly releaved and feel that we will all be happy. I understand this is not the same as everyone else's situation but in my own opinion and recent experiences coming out even if it is just to my wife is the most freeing thing.  Just know who you are and accept that. Know that you arnt going to change and that you need to do what makes you happy and whole in the end event if it isn't easy.  Thank you for all the responses that I received and best of luck to you.

[Oliviah]

It was always the secret that hurt me the most.  The feeling I was a liar. 

Coming out was the best thing I ever did for my mental health.

[sparrow]

reading this brings me to tears... the happy kind.  Best wishes to you two.

[cheryl reeves]

the best thing i ever did was tell my wife about cheryl,she has been a major help keeping me grounded and she has been a huge help with make up and clothing choices...

[JoanneB]

Baby Steps...

Stop, Breath, Prioritize. Nothing happens in an instant. DO what seems important first. And that sounds like telling your life partner, BFF, and lover what is ailing your soul. Something which may totally blow up your life as you know it.

Hiding it, I'm sure you thought about and ruled out. In my experience that didn't work out too well with wife #1. She eventually uncovered my stash and......

Telling, OK, I gave that a shot, even before getting married but serious. She was accepting of the cross-dressing but eventually cracked as wedding date pressure mounted. I wasn't a real man  (BTW - about this time I grew to really hate hearing from women "You're not like other guys")

My current wife knew from day 1 about by cross-dressing, and even experiements at transitioning. Yet dropping the T-Bomb on her was not an easy thing for me to do. I knew at the very least it played into a major hot-button issue for her, betrayal. But by the time my third TG support meeting was over I knew absolutely I needed to be there and it was already past time to tell her what was up.

Six years later we are still finding our way through the darkness. Our love for eachother stronger then ever. It takes a lot of work. For me the "US" is of paramount importance. We both need to compromise to find a balance that allows me to not just to survive but to feel joy. I need to balance the emotional toll of "loosing her man/husband" is having on her. A full-time transition may lead to me loosing my job, something that is major definition of who I am and have fun doing and get paid for! With her health issues loosing that job has many far greater repercussions beyond money.

My wife still does not know what she'll do if/when I go full-time. (She fully believes its only a question of when. Me, not so sure) It's neither fair of me to ask, or expect her to stick around. I unilaterally redefined our marriage when I dropped the T-Bomb 6 years ago. Now have a B-cup and present as female at home. But am also a far happier, at peace person for it. One that she has come to love even more

[Darcy]

It was always the secret that hurt me the most.  The feeling I was a liar. 

Coming out was the best thing I ever did for my mental health.

I *so* relate to this. Coming out to my wife (married over 20 years) was one of the most difficult things I've ever done. She didn't take it well at all because I did a horrible job of telling her. Once I said it, I immediately regretted it. I wanted to take it back.

It's been over a year since I came out to her. The initial shock and pain subsided, and now we're able to discuss things more openly. I won't say it's easy, but we are still in love and both of us want to stay together. She cares about me and wants to hear what I have to say. She wants to learn who I am, really. Which is still not easy for her.

But no more secrets is such a relief. Yes, the best thing I could have done for my mental health and our marriage.

There's never a perfect way to come out, except maybe in your own head. However, if I could go back and do it differently, I would lead up to things more slowly. I tried it like pulling off a band-aid, but when the other person doesn't know there was a band-aid on in the first place, it hurts even worse.

I did make her a drink first. I would recommend that, but maybe tell her after she's actually had a few sips. Lesson learned. 

[Miril]

Oh my goodness!  I am so happy to have found Susan's - if for nothing else but these kinds of discussions.   I am married to my fourth wife, whom I love very much.   I went into this relationship resolved to avoid the mistakes of the past.  I adopted a strategy of "gentle honesty."  While we were getting to know each other, I dropped various hints and clues and set up various scenarios.    Before we were married she knew that I was a TV and it became a part of our life (hey, she loved my fashion sense and interests!).   I may have just been lucky but we worked things out as we went.

Now to my current situation.  While I defined myself as a TV 14 years ago, I have been slowly evolving into my true female self and now see myself as transgendered.   Whether I will fully transition remains to be seen but my wife and I discuss our feelings about this on a regular basis.  She is not comfortable with full transition so we have worked out a compromise - I present myself as female when I am home, am having my beard removed, have started to increase my breast size and am working on improving my demeanor, poise, voice etc.   I dont where this will go but we'll talk about it each step of the way.

Point is Phasma that if you dont find away to dialog with your wife, your mental health and the health of your marriage will ultimately suffer.  There is a chance that things will not go well but there is an even greater chance if you dont try.   Good luck!

[CassieH]

Thank you to everyone for sharing

I recently came out to my wife to a less that ethuastic response.

In the end,  it was nothing I planned,  I just felt I was cheating on myself and her,  and I had to tell her what was going through my head.

Shortly after this conversation I went to see a physiologist -  hoping I could be fixed.  As it happens I am not broken,  just TS with GD and trying to work my way through it.

Reading your stories has helped my to understand I am not the only one here.

Thanks

[Denise]

Phasma,

    I too recently (last Sunday) told my wife of my Gender Dysphoria and desire to transition.  Her reaction was, as with most stores here, was unexpected.  She said "I've known for years.  Why tell me now."

    We talked for a few hours about it on Sunday, but very little since.  She just picked up a new job and is SUPER busy. 

This is what I have come to understand in the past three days since coming out to my wife:
1) sleep is something to cherish.  I'll wake up after 3 hours of sleep and will be wide awake thinking of possibilities and scenarios.
2) I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER.  In hind site the term "future" to me meant stormy, dark, unwelcoming.  Now it's totally different, sunny, bright, full of possibilities and yes very scary.
3) I was thinking - not telling anyone at work or even my two grown kids.  But now, I want all the people close to me to know.  (but that will wait until I have a road map for the future!)
4) My Sister (my older sibling) should be a saint.  She was the first I came out to, she was totally non-judgmental (She has a step son that is gay) and actually did some research to help me out.
5) My mood is 100% better.  I notice things I never noticed before.  My head is clearer.

The people here are wonderful - Good luck.