I hope this is the right forum for this.
So,.. this is my story.
I'm 22 yo, assigned male at birth, living with parents.
I don't remember when, but around age 13~14, I remember I cried to god at night, asking him to change me to a girl during the night and when I woke up the same I hated him... I'm saying around 14 yo because after than I remember I kind of stopped believe in religion.
This issue didn't bother me too much in my life. I played online games like MapleStory and most of the time chose female characters.. I'm not sure why, it was more fun for me. But in the real world? Lived as man, dressed as man, acted as man.
During puberty, I don't remember the changes bothered me too much, BUT, the lowering of my voice was the thing.
I really love singing and get depressed when I can't sing the female parts (too high for me) and even if I hit the notes, I don't sound like them.
But I kept going, Lived as man, dressed as man, acted as man.
A few years later I found out about SecondLife.. I thought that's great, I finally can live, dress, and do almost anything as a girl in a virtual world. I jumped on it and it was really fun. But secrets can't be kept there forever... there's a "voice chat" option and everyone there suspect everyone for being a guy. So I met someone and felt close enough to tell her I'm actually a guy. She said "I knew.. just waited for you to tell me. Thank you!" and all I thought is "What am I doing wrong? How am I being clocked virtually? o.O
I talked with her a little about how I wish I was born a girl and she kind of convinced me not to think that way (Like I did to myself most of my life!), she said being a girl is really hard..
Not so long after I met my first serious gf (The first one I slept with). We had a 1 year long relationship and I thought to myself "So.. I'm a straight man! I could forget the past and live that way.." but the relationship wasn't so healthy... she made me cry at least once a week
Now a year after we broke up, she is married and I'm still playing a girl on virtual worlds. BUT now it's different.
I met another women that told me about transgenders. I really knew nothing about that before so I went to read and watch videos.. to educate myself. Learned all the terms, transgender, transsexual, MtF, HRT, SRS... learned anything I might need to do in my future. I STARTED CRYING FOR DAYS.
I didn't want to be a transgender. I was afraid of how society would treat me, I'm so afraid of anything medical (needles, surgeries...yea it's a phobia). Then as time flew, I started to accept the fact that that's what I am and it won't change, I also learned that loving girls does not make me not-transgender because that's sexual orientation and not gender identity.
Then I started watching MtF transition timelines EVERYDAY more than once a day and started crying again. I was so jealous of them.
So, I started doing thing. Started growing my nails and hair, started shaving everyday..
I even started seeing a gender therapist and she told me that I need as many feminine experiences to know how I feel about them, so I tried female clothes a friend gave me and really liked it (Though I hated looking at the mirror and seeing my face and chest hair!)
I even got to the point (3 months after started researching about ->-bleeped-<-) of coming out to my parents. I'm so lucky to have parents that didn't kick me out of the house and told me "We will always love you and accept you" and I went to sleep smiling.
But on the other day mom tells me she didn't stop crying. She read and watched videos and afraid about me and want to "protect" me. She keeps asking me hard questions that I don't know to answer.
I wish I remembered why I cried to god at the age of 14±. But I just can't I just remember I did!
She makes me confused and says "If you were 100% sure about yourself I wouldn't be able to confuse you".
My parents accept to take it slow, allowing me to grow long hair, paint nails, try dresses... but they are having hard time accepting it..
So this was very long, thank you if you managed to read it all!
Reading all of this you'd probably say "Yes. You are 100% transgender" but my mom really confuses me.
She said I never acted feminine and she could never guess.. and makes me think I could live as male for the rest of my life.
In the past months there was a war in my mind, one side tried to convince me again that I'm just fantasizing and the other side tried to look at my past for clues of being transgender.
The thing I regret the most is not talking about that as soon as I felt that way because I could save my high voice from testosterone and now it's gone...
I still watch MtF transitions everyday and envy them, I'm also scared to end up the same and not as feminine as I wish I was.
So what do you say? Any tips on how to proceed? How to know myself better?
