Hello :)

[JulieWantsOut]

Please bear with me for that I am an emotional mess. Just recently 30 years of emotions and memories came flooding out. It's sometimg that I've buried deep in my soul thinking I would take it to my grave. The problem is that behind this facate there is a woman there. Wow I can't believe I just type that . I'm struggling bad with all this and found this site and figure I get this all out. I think I'm done hiding and suppressing my feelings. I've delt with "flare ups" in the past but nothing like this. Im not worried about my mother or brothers. We've been thorough a lot together and I'm sure would be accepting. My mom is awesome raising 3 kids basically by herself. My father was in and out of our lives because being that he was gay man. I always wondered if that had influence on me but realized I didn't even know he was until I was a teenager. I had been already In my mothers drawer before that. wow can't believe I just type that also. It's my children and my wife is what has me petrified of telling the world who I am. Just recently a handful of events woke up dormant thoughts and feelings some of which is in the news. But just small things in the daily routine of life. Most notably a scene that went down at work. I'm  in the service industry and meet people at their homes on a daily basis. It was elderly lady and she was kinda a flake. She kept commenting on my eyes. It's nothing new to me being I get compliments all the time. I have very blue eyes. She said you have very beautiful eyes. I said thank you. She continues,  there's a good woman behind those.  I say yes my wife is awesome. No She says a good woman in you. I lost my breath and didn't say a word. Perhaps past life. I was like thanks I guess. It helped to change the conversation but it still rocked me to my core. I didn't think much of it and forgot about it. It was like a seed that  flowered. Now I can't control The door that has been opened. I never thought to think about all this but the door has been at least cracked opened about changing to who I really am. Wow can't believe I just type that. Ive been reading a lot and there's a lot brave souls on this board. Hopefully I can join in. Thanks for you time and sorry for being all over the place. ~~~~Julie
***had to clean that word jumble. Reads much easier now***

[Ms Grace]

Hi Julie

Welcome to Susan's    Great to have you here - looking forward to seeing you around the forum.

Those moments of self realisation can be quite overwhelming and confusing. Glad you found us, hopefully you'll find some help here.

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Cheers

Grace

[katrinaw]

A big warm welcome to Susan's Julie

Big hugs for you

It was in my mid forties when I realised that I could actually be who I needed and been supressing since I was 4'ish, however I would struggle hiding for many more years, however, its still been very, very hard, pushing or falling further into a no go back situation, however I am married with a wife (married over 40 years) kids and grandkids, there has always been something to stop me (well me being who I am)... but turmoil now, can't go back, need to drive forward and risk losing all, but you get to a point where you are past holding back anymore.

So I know how you feel, its not an easy thing to admit to those around you, but as you do unfold, you find relief, even if its bit, by bit.

You have a wonderful mother and I am sure she will be very supportive of you, its also amazing how people can see things in you that you thought you had successfully hidden, one of the marvels of life!

I certainly look forward to seeing you about the forum's and your journey unfolding for you.

best wishes

L Katy 

[V M]

Hi Julie 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[Mariah]

Hi Julie, welcome to Susan's. Your among friends now. Your braver than you think you are by being able have the courage to make your first post. I look forward to seeing you around the forums. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

[Rachel]

Welcome to Susan's Place.

[gennee]

Welcome to Susan's, Julie. Quite an introduction I must say. Keep on moving forward.

[Dena]

Welcome to Susan's Place. I am not so sure we are brave, but like you we hand no other option in life and we reached the point were we understood it. We want you to move at your own pace but we will also help you move as fast as you want. Many people here took years to transition and one here is working on setting a world record for speed. When you need help from us let us know but only when you are ready.

[Jacqueline]

Julie,

No one saw a woman, girl, female... in my eyes but me. That is a fascinating experience.

I had a similar moment of realizing that I had to come to grips after decades of hiding, denial and/or downright cluelessness.

Welcome. Hope you feel at home and let us know if you have questions.

With warmth,

Joanna