How to Figure Out and Deal With Non-Accepting Mother/Parents

[Tori]

It feels better when you have things you can work towards. You are never completely stuck.

YAY November!!!

[Tori]

I neeeeeeed sleep. I will check this thread in the morning.

Please keep us posted and remember, you have friends. You are not alone.

Aloha,
Tori

[Yakayla]

I turn 18 this November, so I won't need my parent's permission for anything medically for much longer anyway, but everything you say is still valid even then; and I'll have to consider all of those options and figure out what works best for me (through, I'll probably give at least everything a shot, if it helps find me someone and things that help me begin working on my goals small and big easier of course)

Hey I took the time to read all the posts. I'm definitely a slow reader so it took awhile. But like this post does worry me a little. I feel like you really want the acceptance of your parents, and they are important to you. But this kind of thinking is something that can easily lead to you just cutting your parents out of your life. Try to look at things through your mom's eyes. She feels like she's losing a son and gaining a daughter that she really didn't know she had. Looking back at every cherished memory of you is just gonna be different now. It's like two major changes in her life all at once.

The way she reacted is super harsh, like I instantly started crying when I read what she said. But it's great that she's trying to make sure that she calls you by the right name, even if she might not be able to wrap her head around it yet. It's obvious that she cares about you. I really think she said a lot of stuff she really didn't mean to in the confusion, and if you two just had a long and calm talk, that you'd see she feels different about it now. If she can never accept it, it's her lost, but don't lose a loving mom over a misunderstanding.

I wish you the best of luck hun *huggles*

[Cindy Stephens]

     Hey, the Kaiser! Welcome.
     I live nest door in Tampa.  Both Hillsborough and Pinellas (where you live) have excellent Human rights provisions that extend to transgenders.  Huge, Huge changes made in the 30 years I have lived here.  The largest Pride event in the Southeast is in St.Pete.  There are extensive transgender medical and Psychological services available here. At the pride event this summer they had 3-4 hundred thousand attend and over 200 venders lining 6 blocks of Central ave.  Everything from gay/transgender friendly churches to medical providers.  Both Tampa and St.Pete have seen the future and realize that a socially diverse workforce is the wave of the future.  Your future.  One of the Gay pride parade marshals is a marred with children transgender vice president at Regions Bank.  She was elected to a woman's crew in the mystic crew of Gasparilla.  Big changes here.  Just thank the Goddess you live south of Pasco/Hernando!
     Just google transgender St Pete.  You will find very good groups listed, explore their web sites.  I know that there is a group offering group voice training for our people.  Now having said this, the area is horrible for anyone without a car or access to transportation of some type.  I know how short periods of time can feel like a lifetime at your age but you need to become self supporting somehow, or you will be a slave to the whims of your parents forever.  Unless you can find a rich husband/companion.  That plan didn't work for me.  The good thing is that you are still young and can do it, with help, determination, and realistic expectations.

[Emileeeee]

I agree with Yakayla about that one post. While you can do what you want at 18, taking the attitude implied in your post about it will probably create a divide between you and your mother. She needs your support right now every bit as much as you need hers. And if you provide it to her, I bet she'll be more willing to help.

In my opinion, the second you decided that a transition could be in your future, was the time when you began your transition. And there are lots of parts of that transition that have already been mentioned. Even telling your parents is a part of your transition. So don't think of therapy as being a roadblock to transition. Think of it as a part of transition. Putting together a support structure in your life is another part of transition. All the things you do to prepare to live life as your true self are part of your transition.

There are also gender therapists out there that work on a sliding pay scale, meaning they'll reduce their rates if you don't have insurance or if you have unsupportive parents. I used one in FL a long long time ago. The support group idea was also a very good one. Therapists can help guide you through the system. They help with how and when to tell people that you know. They help build a mental fortitude, which is something you may think you don't need, but you'd probably be wrong. People that pick on others only need one person to attack before the rest join in and form a group that wasn't there before. A verbal assault like that can knock even the strongest of people down. Give Parris Island a shot if you don't believe me.

The reason you do therapy first is because it's easier to build up your mental fortitude when the world still supports you than it is during a transition. Trying to do it after a transition would be like deciding to learn how to swim while you're already drowning. You have minimal support because, well it's water and the more your flail, the less supportive it becomes. You end up so panicked that you can't focus on learning the skills you need to survive.

Some parts of transition can be handled at the same time as others. You can use thrift shops to build up a small wardrobe. You can watch free youtube videos on how to do hair and makeup. You can hit the clearance section at a drugstore to find travel size items that are more feminine. You can work on your voice using the free videos on youtube. You can do therapy. You can work on your presentation at support group meetings. You can people watch to see the parts of being a woman you never paid attention too. You'd be surprised at how little you know about being a woman in society despite the fact that you are one. Most of what constitutes femininity is learned behavior, behaviors that you were not taught. Some are behaviors out of necessity, for instance I recently learned that the dainty touch on a touch screen is the result of having long nails that don't work when you hit them head on. There are lots of others too.

[TheKaiser]

Hey I took the time to read all the posts. I'm definitely a slow reader so it took awhile. But like this post does worry me a little. I feel like you really want the acceptance of your parents, and they are important to you. But this kind of thinking is something that can easily lead to you just cutting your parents out of your life. Try to look at things through your mom's eyes. She feels like she's losing a son and gaining a daughter that she really didn't know she had. Looking back at every cherished memory of you is just gonna be different now. It's like two major changes in her life all at once.

The way she reacted is super harsh, like I instantly started crying when I read what she said. But it's great that she's trying to make sure that she calls you by the right name, even if she might not be able to wrap her head around it yet. It's obvious that she cares about you. I really think she said a lot of stuff she really didn't mean to in the confusion, and if you two just had a long and calm talk, that you'd see she feels different about it now. If she can never accept it, it's her lost, but don't lose a loving mom over a misunderstanding.

I wish you the best of luck hun *huggles*

Your right, I really do want the acceptance of my parents. there's few things I want more in this world then exactly that - they are literally all I have, and I want them to love me for who I am; not look at me like a freak or hurl accusations of murder or untruthfulness at my face. I get that my mother does feel this way, she gave birth to a "son", not a daughter - and I can see why she feels like she's lost her child and has gained another one that she never asked for, never knew she had and doesn't know how to deal with, I get that completely. My problem is figuring how to broach the subject with her and get her to see that I am still the same person I have always have been without being snippy myself or otherwise pissing her off, cause she's flipped out every single time we've talked about me being transgender; and it's not even been an entire week since our last fight so I imagine the subject is still extremely sore in her mind even right now.

She's still calling me by male birthname actually through (I haven't told her that I have already chosen a new name yet, as my birthname starts with a K as well, and she told me that choosing another K name would basically be a disrespectful stab in the heart to her; so I haven't dared talking about the subject of names). I think she does still care and that she just doesn't understand or get any of this (something she herself admitted), it's just.... how the hell do I do so? (help her understand that is) when she has basically shot down every single thing I feel as an excuse or a lie and told me that I am "wrong" no matter what I say to her? I can't think of anything to do but not talk about the subject with her for now and just work on baby steps to move my life forward and get where I want to be.

     Hey, the Kaiser! Welcome.
     I live nest door in Tampa.  Both Hillsborough and Pinellas (where you live) have excellent Human rights provisions that extend to transgenders.  Huge, Huge changes made in the 30 years I have lived here.  The largest Pride event in the Southeast is in St.Pete.  There are extensive transgender medical and Psychological services available here. At the pride event this summer they had 3-4 hundred thousand attend and over 200 venders lining 6 blocks of Central ave.  Everything from gay/transgender friendly churches to medical providers.  Both Tampa and St.Pete have seen the future and realize that a socially diverse workforce is the wave of the future.  Your future.  One of the Gay pride parade marshals is a marred with children transgender vice president at Regions Bank.  She was elected to a woman's crew in the mystic crew of Gasparilla.  Big changes here.  Just thank the Goddess you live south of Pasco/Hernando!
     Just google transgender St Pete.  You will find very good groups listed, explore their web sites.  I know that there is a group offering group voice training for our people.  Now having said this, the area is horrible for anyone without a car or access to transportation of some type.  I know how short periods of time can feel like a lifetime at your age but you need to become self supporting somehow, or you will be a slave to the whims of your parents forever.  Unless you can find a rich husband/companion.  That plan didn't work for me.  The good thing is that you are still young and can do it, with help, determination, and realistic expectations.

Oh thank goodness, I wasn't all that sure of what the climate or laws regarding LGBT rights and issues was like in this area or if there were adequate and trans-friendly medical and psychological options available in the area for individuals like me, so that's really reassuring to hear (I probably should have already looked up this stuff myself to be truthful, but I had no idea where to start looking *embarrasingly sighs*); thanks for that, it makes me feel better that I live in a good area and have options available and waiting for me once I get further down the road.

But yeah, it's almost impossible to get around the Manatee-St. Pete area without a car, so you can see why I need to learn how to drive now, I just hope my parents are willing to work with me in that regard (since I have absolutely zero friends in real life, and no other family members that can help me; all I have to help teach me to drive is my parents; so I have to hope they keep their promise to help me work on it).

I agree with Yakayla about that one post. While you can do what you want at 18, taking the attitude implied in your post about it will probably create a divide between you and your mother. She needs your support right now every bit as much as you need hers. And if you provide it to her, I bet she'll be more willing to help.

The "give no <not allowed> what my parents think I am doing what I want" attitude? yeah, I guess that probably isn't the smartest idea, a divide already exists where one didn't before as it is after all of this, and widening that divide will just make things harder on me in the long-run I suppose; especially since I am so completely and utterly dependent on my parents as it is.

My mother remarked once that the help I did try to give her (mainly parent FAQ's I found on Google, a bit lazy maybe, but she had told me before the first fight to keep my distance on the issue and let her go through the motions of figuring out her feelings; which I tried to do before the first fight broke out) was selfish in mindset and that she needed something that helped her figure out how to (in her words) deal with the "death of her son) and understand all of this, I thought about trying to find something like this for her if I could, or linking her to sites like this (not necessarily this one through) so she could ask questions, but I didn't know if that'd be going too far or if it'd risk pissing her off even more; so I haven't done it yet.

In essence through, I know I need to support my mother, I do, I just don't know how in the hell I am actually supposed to do that, especially since I still feel so hurt about everything she hurled at me; and my fears of angering her even further and putting myself in even more of a rut then I am in already; if you understand what I am saying in that regard?

There are also gender therapists out there that work on a sliding pay scale, meaning they'll reduce their rates if you don't have insurance or if you have unsupportive parents. I used one in FL a long long time ago. The support group idea was also a very good one. Therapists can help guide you through the system. They help with how and when to tell people that you know. They help build a mental fortitude, which is something you may think you don't need, but you'd probably be wrong. People that pick on others only need one person to attack before the rest join in and form a group that wasn't there before. A verbal assault like that can knock even the strongest of people down. Give Parris Island a shot if you don't believe me.

The reason you do therapy first is because it's easier to build up your mental fortitude when the world still supports you than it is during a transition. Trying to do it after a transition would be like deciding to learn how to swim while you're already drowning. You have minimal support because, well it's water and the more your flail, the less supportive it becomes. You end up so panicked that you can't focus on learning the skills you need to survive.

Hmm, I hadn't even thought about it in that way, but I guess that your right, building up mental fortitude to deal with the world as soon as possible and while I am still "a guy" (for lack of a better word, since I still will probably have to present as one for a long while) is probably better then trying to do the same while your already in transition mode and having to deal with the judgement of society and all that comes with that, and a therapist from what I have been reading can be a good general advocate and even help me with other issues that I may know or not know I have, so maybe the idea isn't as much of a "doorblock" on getting to where I want to be and being who I want to be as I had previously thought it was.

Good points about the rest of it through, especially the people watching and the learning of other general things like learning how to do makeup or do my hair properly, I doubt I will ever say have perfect posture or be the perfect feminine walker (I don't have a single fixed height like normal people due to my leg condition, which means my posture is absolutely ->-bleeped-<- for even a guy, let alone a woman; and basically near impossible to fix due to having had such bad posture for such a long time), but there are other mannerisms and things that I do need to learn, and general girl things as well like the makeup stuff and other things like that. I've been told that clothes could be a big confidence booster early on the road as well, so a trip to say the thrift store or Walmart to get and begin building a female wardrobe would be an early thing I'd do as well, around the same time I found a therapist.


Mod Edit- No profanities please.

[Emileeeee]

In essence through, I know I need to support my mother, I do, I just don't know how in the hell I am actually supposed to do that, especially since I still feel so hurt about everything she hurled at me; and my fears of angering her even further and putting myself in even more of a rut then I am in already; if you understand what I am saying in that regard?

A therapist can help with that too if you can convince her to see one with you. I think you'll be able to based on what you've said so far. Sometimes people are so afraid of hurting you with their words, that they won't tell you something that they need to. Sometimes those same people are able to tell you that if they feel like they're actually telling the therapist and you're just listening in. I've seen this happen with my wife. I'm sure you can relate to this since you stated your fears of discussing things with her for fear of her reactions.

[TheKaiser]

A therapist can help with that too if you can convince her to see one with you. I think you'll be able to based on what you've said so far. Sometimes people are so afraid of hurting you with their words, that they won't tell you something that they need to. Sometimes those same people are able to tell you that if they feel like they're actually telling the therapist and you're just listening in. I've seen this happen with my wife. I'm sure you can relate to this since you stated your fears of discussing things with her for fear of her reactions.

Yeah, I can relate to that, and I suppose that trying to convince her to see a therapist alongside me couldn't hurt at all; especially since she even stated to me off-handidly that she feels like that she needs one.

[Yakayla]

Your right, I really do want the acceptance of my parents. there's few things I want more in this world then exactly that - they are literally all I have, and I want them to love me for who I am; not look at me like a freak or hurl accusations of murder or untruthfulness at my face. I get that my mother does feel this way, she gave birth to a "son", not a daughter - and I can see why she feels like she's lost her child and has gained another one that she never asked for, never knew she had and doesn't know how to deal with, I get that completely. My problem is figuring how to broach the subject with her and get her to see that I am still the same person I have always have been without being snippy myself or otherwise pissing her off, cause she's flipped out every single time we've talked about me being transgender; and it's not even been an entire week since our last fight so I imagine the subject is still extremely sore in her mind even right now.

She's still calling me by male birthname actually through (I haven't told her that I have already chosen a new name yet, as my birthname starts with a K as well, and she told me that choosing another K name would basically be a disrespectful stab in the heart to her; so I haven't dared talking about the subject of names). I think she does still care and that she just doesn't understand or get any of this (something she herself admitted), it's just.... how the hell do I do so? (help her understand that is) when she has basically shot down every single thing I feel as an excuse or a lie and told me that I am "wrong" no matter what I say to her? I can't think of anything to do but not talk about the subject with her for now and just work on baby steps to move my life forward and get where I want to be.

I guess I would try talking about things she could relate to and try to leave gender out of it if possible? Like how it has made you feel isolated from other people. Or unable to act how you want to. Being forced to be something your not. Not able to enjoy the things you like. How it makes you feel happier.

Ya know, she not gonna relate too much to, this body is wrong. But if you're really worried that it will turn into a giant fight and she's quick to react negatively. Why not write a letter to her, summing up all your feelings. That way, your sure not to say anything snippy. And leave the house so she doesn't flip out on you when she's done reading it. This could give her time to think it over and process it, before you talk about the letter. When you're not sure what to say, sometimes it's just better to stay calm and let the heart do the talking for you. And this coming from someone who isn't much of a letter person.

My mom can be a little mellow-dramatic too. I was hating on my Dad back when I was 18, cause he was making work 50 hour weeks for his business while my sister only had to work a couple hours on the weekend. A boys obligation and all that jazz. I told her I hated him. And the first thing she asked screaming, is if he abused me or touched my no-no places. Like seriously? Oh Mom. It will be okay hun. <3

[TheKaiser]

I guess I would try talking about things she could relate to and try to leave gender out of it if possible? Like how it has made you feel isolated from other people. Or unable to act how you want to. Being forced to be something your not. Not able to enjoy the things you like. How it makes you feel happier.

Ya know, she not gonna relate too much to, this body is wrong. But if you're really worried that it will turn into a giant fight and she's quick to react negatively. Why not write a letter to her, summing up all your feelings. That way, your sure not to say anything snippy. And leave the house so she doesn't flip out on you when she's done reading it. This could give her time to think it over and process it, before you talk about the letter. When you're not sure what to say, sometimes it's just better to stay calm and let the heart do the talking for you. And this coming from someone who isn't much of a letter person.

My mom can be a little mellow-dramatic too. I was hating on my Dad back when I was 18, cause he was making work 50 hour weeks for his business while my sister only had to work a couple hours on the weekend. A boys obligation and all that jazz. I told her I hated him. And the first thing she asked screaming, is if he abused me or touched my no-no places. Like seriously? Oh Mom. It will be okay hun. <3

I suppose I could try that, the idea of somehow talking about the current situation between us and my own personal issues and feelings regarding my gender and the situation without actually bringing the matter of gender up sounds somewhat complicated to do honestly - but it wouldn't hurt to try and see if I could get a constructive conversation with her and allow each of us to bounce our feelings off of each other and figure out how to deal with them mutually, a letter might also work as well I suppose, but I have really terrible handwriting, and I can't really just "leave" the house and go anywhere; but I could see if it may be worthy of giving a try.

[stephaniec]

Microsoft office.

[Emileeeee]

I'd go Libre Office personally because it's free and comparable, but not for a parent. Letters and emails are too impersonal for them in my opinion.

[TheKaiser]

I'd go Libre Office personally because it's free and comparable, but not for a parent. Letters and emails are too impersonal for them in my opinion.

My parents nor I own a printer, so I can't really type something up and print it out.