I don't know what to do. I think I'm going to explode!

[Jayne01]

Hi everyone. I apologise in advance for the rant that I will more than likely start writing.

I have only recently started to accept the fact that I may be transgender. It has been maybe 2 months since I have been taking the noise in my head as something other than just a weird fantasy or mid life crisis or any number of other excuses I could come up with. I am slowly accepting that I might be different. When I try to think back, there have always been hints that at the time I was either too much in denial or just didn't know any better to take these hints more seriously. But I was always able to push these aside and just keep on being a guy. It kind of worked, except that each time the feelings and thoughts came back, they would be stronger and harder to push aside. Well it's taken almost 43 years but I think I've been beaten by my inner self (if that makes any sense).

These feelings and thoughts, which I will just call noise because of all the simultaneous conflicting thoughts going through my head, are driving me completely out of my mind. I just want scream! I lie in bed at night and start imagining having a female body and it physically causes something! I just feel pry inside and start to get the shakes. If you have seen Despicable Me 2, it's like when the minions get injected and start to vibrate and bounce around and then they pop into these purple minions. I'm in that vibrating stage about to just pop into a female version of me, except it never happens. I'm just stuck in that in between stage and I'm ready to explode! I don't know what to do.

I'm seeing a therapist, but he doesn't have any trans experience, but he is doing his best. I'm on a waiting list to see a gender therapist but I don't know when I will actually get an appointment to see her.

I just can't turn the noise off. It is always there. I think, at least to myself, I have let the genie out of the bottle and I can't put the genie back in because I broke the bottle. I'm so afraid and unsure of what I may have done. I might be destroying my life and the life of those I love, especially my wife. This dysphoria truly sucks! I wouldn't wish it on anybody!

Sorry for my rant. It just helps a bit to write it down, even if no one else reads it. If you did read it, thanks for taking the time.

Jayne

[CarlyMcx]

Believe me I know the feeling.  I was just going along, seemingly okay with being male, but not really, and in the summer of my 52nd year, things finally came to a head.

But, truth be told, the male version of me had been stressed out, beaten down, careworn and battered for a long time, and the only solace he ever had was in stolen moments of faux femininity, like sunbathing in speedos or shopping for my wife.

A little bout of skin cancer from the sunbathing in speedos thing forced me to fully reevaluate my life, and that is when I fought my way to the surface and finally was able to start living as me, at least at home with my wife.

When I found that dressing female around the house lowered my blood pressure by 30 points and I was able to cut way down on the BP meds, I knew I was on to something.

Dysphoria can be hard to deal with, but continued denial can kill you.  So take care of yourself.  And remember, when the going gets tough, the tough go shopping.

[Ms Grace]

It's a common feeling. Once you come to the realisation that you are trans it sets off a whole cascade of brain stuff that feels like an overwhelming emotional tsunami. Even if your counsellor hasn't had any trans experience they're getting some now so talk to them about it as much as possible.

[kathb31]

Jayne
I can very much relate to the way you are feeling. I to, spent most of my life living as male until nearly two years
ago. I had always kept my trans nature crushed or squashed down most of the time. Then I kind of lost it .. an emotional bomb went off and I sobbed for days. Could barely function with the stress, the depression and what I call image mismatch (the inside doesn't at all match the outside). I couldn't figure out how to get back to where I was (didn't even know what it meant anymore). Finally I broke down and started seeing a therapist who helps transgender.
You have also started getting help and that is so important. Coming out to my family has been a positive thing, although it took more than a year to get up the courage to do so (thought it would destroy my life). I think now I can have a future.

All the best,
Kath

[cindianna_jones]

I totally get it. Many of us experience that same noise. I thought of mine as a separate and distinct personage, a  squirrel running around it's exercise wheel. I don't know why it was a squirrel. It should have been a hamster. But Squirrel, she was.

Cindi

[Dena]

While I started the transition process at age 23 I felt what you felt for 10 years before that. The medical system to treat me didn't exist and for you the medical system puts you on a waiting list. I was never able to find a way to tame those feeling for more than a short time but there might be an option open to you that wasn't open to me. You could start the transition process by going part time. Work on your image, beard removal, wardrobe and makeup. These task will prepare you for what is coming and and you will be working toward your final goal even if the medical system is on the slow side.

[Jayne01]

Thank you all for your kind replies. I'm trying to keep it together until my next appointment with my therapist which is on Wednesday. My last appointment was about 5 weeks ago because I was away on a holiday with my wife. I have been using this website during that time to try and keep myself sane. Thanks to everyone for being there. Even if it's just reading through someone else's thread, it helps.

I just don't understand why I can no longer control these dysphoria feelings. It is like some kind of monster inside my head has been unleashed and its sole mission is to destroy my mind. I keep wondering if gender dysphoria is real or some kind of fantasy. Well it's got to be real. No one can make up that sort of mental struggle. 

I always imagined there was more to me than what the world saw, I just didn't know what. Who would have thought that it was a girl trying to get out. I can't even look myself in the mirror. I HATE what I see. I really despise myself for being me. I know that is not a healthy way to think, but it's the truth. I just do not like me. I don't even know who or what "me" is.

I feel like some kind of coward who has no purpose in life. I have a beautiful wife who is always telling me how much she loves me. I can't even think of one reason she could love me. She deserves so much better.

Oh crap! Sorry! My therapist warned me about getting myself into these negative thought downward spirals. He said if it happens I should catch myself doing it and look at myself from outside of my head and the negative thoughts stop. He explained it a lot better than I just did, but I just caught myself and the negative thought downward spiral stopped. I think he called it meta thinking.

I'm sorry all my posts are just a mixed up ramble that probably don't make a lot of sense. I'm just typing what comes into my head which is kind of jumbled up right now, so what I type comes out jumbled.

I hope I can find a solution to this without hurting the ones I love. It is not their fault that I am the way I am, so why should they suffer for it?

Thanks for reading my ramblings.

Jayne

[Qrachel]

Hi Jayne:

We all have our moments, especially later in life (>30 yrs or so), but there's a few things that we all have in common.  When the noise, feelings, dreams, etc. won't go away it's definitely time to seek professional help.  You have and I might suggest you consider a psychiatrist (you can ask for a referral) or just call.  There's no stigma in doing this and it will make a difference if meds are in order - there's no shame or guilt in taking care of yourself.

I'm new here but there's lots of support.  Use it and keep talking.  Also, consider contacting PFLAG and seek out some folks who are just like you - they (PFLAG) can really help you with resources and support groups, etc.  You are not alone and many just like you passed through this.  If you have a few women or even one woman who you can confide in, I find that often is such a wonderful source of strength and calm . . . it's so great to talk to someone who gets you at some level as only a woman can.

I am particularly sensitive when people are at your stage because I volunteer to a group of Drs and therapists as a resource if patients wish to reach out to me, and I see this phase over and over.  Personally, I was stubborn and fought it for over two years and that needlessly resulted in a very difficult, scary time.

I say this because you are experiencing the effects of the dysphoria, take these symptoms seriously.  Don't ignore them for very long AND YOU AREN'T . . . keep it up!

Remember, you are not alone and are a beautiful person.  Soon matters will get clearer and the fearfulness will lessen appreciably. 

Take good care and stay in touch.

Love to you and yours,

R

[Jayne01]

Hi Rachel. Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot. I had a look at the PFLAG website. It seems to be aimed at parents and friends of gays and lesbians. I didn't find anything relating to trans. Do I have the right place?

I'm really having a hard time accepting that this is really happening. What if I'm wrong? What if I made a mistake and I'm not transgender? What if it is something else? I could be turning my whole life upside down for the wrong reasons. I have got so many doubts and confusion in my head right now. I question whether I'm making the right decision simply deciding what to eat for lunch. Is it just fear that's taking control of me?

Jayne

[MeganeRei]

Jayne, I'm a lot younger (almost 19) but I'm feeling pretty much the exact same way as you right now. Especially the 'What if I'm Wrong? What if I made a mistake and am not transgender?' part. But like you said earlier, there's really no way that we can just make up this struggle, and I'm one of those transfolks who have felt 'off' pretty much his whole life, though it's only been a few months I've known or admitted that I'm trans. Sigh... I do hope I'm not being impulsive or crazy and that what I feel is real. Last night I wondered if being trans was actually a real thing or just a delusion, that's how bad I was... It IS a real thing, I just hope that it's real for me, too...

Because it would be really embarrassing because I'm out to all my friends and immediately family as trans. OOPs. A bad talk with parents yesterday threw me for a loop and my therapist today helped me feel better and assure me that if she wouldn't be recommending me the stuff she is if she didn't feel it would help me.

I hope you can get in to see a gender therapist, and here's wishing you all the best. It's really confusing and exhausting... at least, I'm exhausted lol

--Colin

[Jayne01]

Hey Colin. Thanks for your support. Sorry to here you are having a bad talk with your parents.

Being, or at least thinking that you might be transgender, certainly is confusing and exhausting. There is no denying that. I'm glad you are coming to terms with being transgender and getting help at a young age. It gets much harder and more complicated when you are older. At least that is how I am feeling. I wish you all the best in discovering your path.

Jayne

[Qrachel]

Hi Rachel. Thank you for your kind words. It means a lot. I had a look at the PFLAG website. It seems to be aimed at parents and friends of gays and lesbians. I didn't find anything relating to trans. Do I have the right place?

I'm really having a hard time accepting that this is really happening. What if I'm wrong? What if I made a mistake and I'm not transgender? What if it is something else? I could be turning my whole life upside down for the wrong reasons. I have got so many doubts and confusion in my head right now. I question whether I'm making the right decision simply deciding what to eat for lunch. Is it just fear that's taking control of me?

Jayne

_________________

Hi Jayne: 

PFLAG will be able to help, and yes their original purpose was for parents of LGBTQ children.  I've worked with them and attended some of their functions, great folks.  BTW: There's references for resources here though being new i haven't checked them out.

Something, probably trans issues, has you stirred up.  It doesn't matter really; you need some help and let me say if you aren't trans that's great!  But if you are, then great again!  Professionals and support groups who deal with trans won't push you down the trans road.  In fact, early on determining your real nature will be an important part of the treatment process.

For now, you are receiving strong messages that you are trans (at least it seems that way).  So consider, if you had a strong pain in your back for a while you'd go the Dr. and check it out.  For sure you have symptoms so don't let this be a terrible thing - get it checked out.

If you are trans, the world won't end and for sure a great life lies before you  All the folks here are proof that life goes on and you will soon find these trans gals/men are some of the most terrific people on the planet - who wouldn't want to be one of them if that's the way cookie gets eaten.  We'd just love to have you as a sister, and we'd equally embrace you if it turns out you aren't trans . . . we'll love ya just the same.

TTFN,

R

[Jayne01]

Hi Rachel.

Thank you for your support. If I truly am trans it would explain a lot of what I am feeling/thinking but I can't shake the fact that I have made it to my age (43) and ha e been able to cope one way or another and now it is like a switch has been flipped and I can barely function. Why all of a sudden has this become so overwhelming?

Only 2 days to go for my next therapist appointment. It isn't long but seems like a long time to to wait right now. I just need to get my butt out of bed, go to work and keep myself distracted.

Jayne

[Qrachel]

Hi -

I was 58 when the noise got so loud it drove me to the edge.  That's when I began therapy.  That you are in your 40's means only that.  Everyone that must come to terms with gender related issues does so when it's time. 

It sounds like it's time for you.  Don't make that overly significant.  You wouldn't if it were some kind of internal medicine matter.

There's great news here for you no matter how things turnout; it's a choice as to how you view it.  All that said, it is is unsettling at first and that's part of sorting it out.  Nothing very significant happens in one's comfort zone.  We all understand your discomfort and have empathy for you.  You are special and a beautiful person and will still be beautiful as matters settle or you. 

Take care and keep reaching out . . . Yours,

R

[JoanneB]

First of all, I'll second what has been said about PFLAG. Many locals also provide support for trans adults as well as youth. Let's face it, we are a minority among a minority. Plus interacting with adults who have managed to manage their dysphoria is a good thing. I always recommend  checking them in addition to county & state wide Trans or LGBT organizations for local support.

As to the OP. "Quieting the noise in the head...." Oh I know that feeling well. Shoving food into me, or worse yet booze is only a temporary relief at best. I also tried for years to ignore it, much like my tinnitus, but only with more deadly results. After 50 years I found that I turned myself into a lifeless, soulless machine because of my endeavors.

My approach was to find some way to get these two, seemingly disparate,  aspects of myself to live in hormony. That started with not trying to constantly beat Joanne down. Rather embrace her, understand her, in time even nurture.

It does get better. But it's one heck of a roller-coaster ride getting there

[KatelynBG]

The noise is the worst, something I am ill equipped to fight back anymore.

[Jayne01]

Hello. Thank you again for your support. It really helps. I tend to overthink things and when that happens I get my mind all tied up in a knot. I'm slowly learning to ease up on the thinking and just go with whatever comes. If I'm trans, so be it. I know that's easier said than done, but that is probably what I need to do.

Thanks again for the PFLAG info. I'll get in touch with them.

Jayne

PS. Joanne, I really like you signature with the rock, hard place and pile driver. I can relate to it and it always puts a smile on my face. I think it's the pile driver bit that gets me.

[JoanneB]

Joanne, I really like you signature with the rock, hard place and pile driver. I can relate to it and it always puts a smile on my face. I think it's the pile driver bit that gets me.

Gets me all the time too. Ohhhhh does it get me 

[Jayne01]

Hi,

I had a look at the PFLAG website in the U.S.  It has a lot more information than the Australian website. I had a look through some of the publications. Some good info there.

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night crying like a little child. I ended up upsetting my wife because she doesn't know what to do to help me. I seem to cope ok at work but once I lie down in bed and try to sleep, my brain just goes into overdrive coming up with endless scenarios of how my life is going to completely unravel. I try and force myself to empty my mind and think of nothing, but that only last a few minutes at best, and then it is back in to overdrive.

Good news though! I finally got an appointment with the gender therapist next Thursday. I'm looking forward to it. Yay!!

Jayne

[Dena]

The idle hours are the worst even for the young ones like I was. We can be distracted by other activities but it's not possible to be distracted 100% of our waking hours. When you first start facing treatment, the load on your brain is even greater. When I found a treatment program that would work, I averaged about 2 hours of sleep a night for several weeks. That did tapers off, possibly somewhat do to exhaustion but I didn't really feel the loss of sleep. Your brain wants to be prepared for everything thats going to happen but first it's not possible and second what will happen will will take place over time and you will have plenty of time to work out the details. In less than a month your brain should become used to the new normal and the nights will be better.
Getting therapy will help because you will have something concrete to think about instead of the unknown. I hope your therapy session goes well.