Runaway Dysphoria.......

[Jayne01]

Over the last week or two my Dysphoria has been getting worse. It is now pretty much constant from the moment I open my eyes until I fall asleep. I have been feeling really bad about it too. I feel kind of unworthy as a person and wish I was never born. I hate myself for thinking like that and I hate myself for not being able to find a way to deal with my Dysphoria. I am hoping this feeling will settle down, but from everything I read it never goes away. It's like a curse.

I looked in a mirror today and there was another mirror behind me, so I saw multiple reflections of myself. Not what I wanted to see!!! I don't even know if it is me I see or just some stranger. I just feel like a freak. I keep wishing I'll go to sleep and when I wake up it will all go away. Nearly 43 years now and I'm still waiting for that to happen.

Sorry to be so negative. I just needed to vent somewhere.

Jayne

[Mariah]

Jayne, we all need a good vent some days. Have you tried anything to help lesson your disphoria. It could be something that is simple or small or big if you choose. Also, a therapist would really be great at this point. Hugs
Mariah

[genevie]

I can give in to it and let it overwhelm me. I can fight it and cope.  Talking with my therapist helps. All the strategies of doing little things can make it better or worse. Right now it helps to not spend all my time on forum sites and work for middle ground. Looking like a slim guy with longish hair with feminine mannerism is okay.  Trying too hard to look fem and seeing the same face in the mirror makes it worse. I do what I can for now. 

[cindianna_jones]

The only way I came to terms with it was to transition. I wanted to die every day of my life as a male.

Chin up,
Cindi

[Jayne01]

Thanks for the replies. I am seeing a therapist, however not a gender therapist. I'm still on a waiting list to see a gender therapist. My next appointment is not for a couple more weeks.

I feel like I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. I can't imagine myself transitioning. When I look in the mirror all I see is a guy that has no chance of ever passing as a girl. And I don't really fit the guy role. There is just a major disconnect between my mind and body. I worry that I might end up getting locked in a padded cell or something like that.  I feel like I am the punch line to some worldwide cosmic joke and I don't get it.

I also don't want to hurt my wife. I love her more than any words could describe. She deserves better than my screwed up mind!

I'm going to stop typing now before I get myself too depressed.

Thank you all for your support.

Jayne

[Mariah]

I highly recommend that you take a look at the before and after thread. I think you will be surprised how we can from looking like we have no change in the world to passing to how we do now. I know it may feel that way now, but your certainly not the punch line to some joke. SO are a tough one and I can totally understand that you don't want to hurt her. I know telling my boyfriend, who didn't have a clue, wasn't the easiest thing, but I also didn't want to hurt him. A therapist maybe able to help you in time come out to your wife. I think how and when depends on you. In time, you will discover a way that you can tell her. When your ready you can always run ideas past us and your therapist as to what to say. Hugs
Mariah

[Jayne01]

Hi Mariah, thanks for your kind reply.

I'm not very good at navigating forums. Do you have a link to the before and after thread you mentioned or tell me how to find it?

My wife already knows about my Dysphoria. I told her before I even knew about the word Dysphoria. She was amazing. Didn't even bat an eyelid as I was telling her. She told me she loved the person inside and just wants me to be happy. The whole time I was in shock thinking I don't deserve someone so wonderful.

She is kind of in denial a bit now and I don't bring up the subject. I want to learn more about what is happening to me so that I can answer her questions and know what I am talking about. Right now, I can't even explain it to myself and make sense. It is really screwing with my head when I try to think about it reasonably. I really hope when I finally get to see the gender therapist, I will be able to make a bit more sense of it all.

Jayne

[Mariah]

Here is the link.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,168444.0.html

I know it's frustrating not being able to explain everything. For awhile my boyfriend was asking lots of questions. Considering my past and what was done considering I'm intersexed in many ways made it more complicated then simply being transgender alone. Sometimes the best response you can give is that you don't know yourself. Hugs
Mariah

[Pony]

Over the last week or two my Dysphoria has been getting worse. It is now pretty much constant from the moment I open my eyes until I fall asleep. I have been feeling really bad about it too. I feel kind of unworthy as a person and wish I was never born. I hate myself for thinking like that and I hate myself for not being able to find a way to deal with my Dysphoria. I am hoping this feeling will settle down, but from everything I read it never goes away. It's like a curse.

I looked in a mirror today and there was another mirror behind me, so I saw multiple reflections of myself. Not what I wanted to see!!! I don't even know if it is me I see or just some stranger. I just feel like a freak. I keep wishing I'll go to sleep and when I wake up it will all go away. Nearly 43 years now and I'm still waiting for that to happen.

Sorry to be so negative. I just needed to vent somewhere.

Jayne

I can completely relate to what you're feeling. Sheerioushly! Heck, we're only like 2 years difference in age, so Yeaa-Uhhh. What I've found that's really helped me was pre-emptive transition transitions and live style changes. Small things. Lots of small things (I also refer to them as 'baby steps') that will serve me very well when I decided to full transition and go full time.

Things like getting professional make-up tips/lessons. Going to a transgender transformation specialist (these can REALLY help you get an idea of how you can look, plus a ton of tips as well). Changing your diet/eating habits towards how you would be as the other gender. Working out/exercising a lot to increase your self esteem. Engaging in widely considered female activities, like... luxurious bubble baths. Meeting with other transgenders for social/group oriented events to just find people to relate to. Etc.

All the above have helped me 'control it', you know the dysphoria (I have trouble sleeping as well. Often wake up from nightmares about being trapped or trying to escape conformity), and keep me plonking slowly down the road to a solid transition rather then freaking out and attempting a crash course mad dash.

Basically, these are ways to start expressing yourself as the other gender, without going 'wholesale' with it. It's like your dysphoria is a water balloon that keeps pouring more and more water into it, and these endeavors are like putting tiny little pinholes into it to re-leave the pressure and prevent it from exploding.


Also, like anyone with a problem, helping others with their problems helps deal with your own or even take your mind away from it for some time.

[Jayne01]

Hi. Thanks for the replies.

I wrote the original post last night before going to sleep. After a restless nights sleep, I now feel a little better. It is so draining to constantly have to make an effort to keep yourself in a happy mood with the Dysphoria always hovering over your head.

It seems silly when I think about it. I was shaving my legs for a couple of months and it felt kind of right. I stopped shaving the past 4-5 weeks because spring will soon be here and I'm embarrassed to wear shorts in public. Silly huh? I cycle and cyclists shave their legs. My brain works in weird ways.

Thanks for the link Mariah. I just had a quick look through the first 20 pages. WOW! I had no idea what could be possible.

Jayne

[Mariah]

Jayne, your welcome anytime. I'm glad the link helped. Hugs
Mariah

[Jayne01]

Hello again.

I just read through this thread again. It's been about 10 days since I started this thread. My wife and I just returned from our holiday less than 24 hours ago. I was hoping that once we got home the dysphoria might ease up a little. Instead it is getting worse. I can't even function. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I know that is not a good solution and I'm not suicidal........yet. I am afraid that if I don't get this under control I might somehow end up down a very dark road. I find myself constantly searching the forum hoping to find the solution. It seems that transition is the only solution that seems to work and that terrifies me.

You all seem so strong and know what you really want. I simply don't have a clue! Am I male? Am I female? Am I just having a weird mid life crisis? What the hell is wrong with me? How do I fix this? I can't see any way out of this.

Jayne