Lost feeling of masculinity, no motivation

[mjarnar]

Hello.

I was wondering if people would like to share thoughts, suggestions or experiences about similar situations or feelings in their own life.

I'm 27 years old pre-op ftm.  Lately my body dysphoria has been really heavy to carry. Some time before that, there was a time when I felt pretty ok- when I looked in the mirror I saw masculine features  and felt alright as far as pre-t and pre-op went (of course,  some parts felt like they didn't belong, but it didn't bother me too much then).  But somewhere I lost that feeling of alrightness and I have been wondering why.

I used to exercise regularly, but since my doggy died I can't go to walks without feeling  awfully sad. Work eats a lot of my mental energy so after work I feel too exhausted to go anywhere but home. I have some weights at home, but working with them feels... forced. ..like, I can lift as much as I want, but if I don't see or feel the results, why do I even bother. I used a habit-game to get myself motivated, but got tired of the game.
Would anyone have any thoughts about how to get motivated?

Tomorrow there is a party for my youngest sibling, and choosing good clothes makes me a mess. I have a set of good-looking black pants, dress shirt and long decorated vest. The clothes look good, but the overall look is immediately ruined when my body is added to the equation and it makes me so... disppointed, sad and frustrated. Girlfriend suggested that we could look for some new clothes, but I feel the fault is in my body and how I see it. Also shopping is really draining mentally.

And very recently, what tipped the scale really badly, was when GF and I tried our first intimate times with a strap-on, and the cold, sad knot that formed inside my gut when I realized  that despite careful placement of the prosthesis and all, I felt nothing.

Of course these are things that will likely change with T and surgery, I know, but these feelings are now, I have to cope with then now, and some days it just.. I'm so tired. Especially when work and other everyday things have drained  me so much already, and it feels like the transition is so far away when living my days hour at a time, day at a time.

And no worries, I'll manage, I always have even if it's just barely. Was just thinking that there are possibly some thoughts I have not realized, something that would make days easier to manage. I do read a lot already, but maybe it's different when people answer. I don't know, haven't tried this before.

And and, please remember, if you ask something, it might take me a long time to answer depending on my stress levels.
Gah, I'm so terrified  of posting this.

Good day/night to everybody.

[Laura_7]

You might try second hand stores for clothing. Sometimes really nice pieces are amongst them.

You might try darker colours for your top.
Dark colours tend to even out a surface.
I wouldn't go too dark with overall appearnce since it might affect mood.

You could play a bit with styles... baggy styles, mens clothes... button down shirts...

You might try to be mindful with your energy...
not taking things personally... kind of detached, when you hav a feeling it might upset you...
you might try meditation, and cut down on things like tv... doing things that give you energy, like reading...

maybe getting creative, and doing a few theme days with your girlfriend... a picknick... a photo session... trying out clothings from the other one... etc...

maybe something to look forward to... planning something and doing it the next week...


hugs

[FTMax]

Hi mjarnar,

The key to motivation for me is being able to measure my success. I'm not likely to do an activity if I can't see improvement. Like you with the weights or going on walks, I'd feel forced into doing the activities and would stop if I felt I wasn't seeing a difference. What helped me was starting to set goals that are measurable. I want to have bottom surgery in the next two years, and I know I need to lose weight to have the best results. So I've set goals for dieting, exercise, and weight loss. I keep meticulous track of it so I can see exactly where the investments are paying off and if I need to make changes.

This can help with other parts of your transition as well. It seems like so much stuff that you need to get done when you think about it. Sit down and make a list - what are the easiest things you can start with? What are things that you can start planning for now? For me, I came out to my friends, then my family, started seeing a therapist, started T, came out at work, got my name changed, updated all my documents, and then got top surgery. Now there's just one more step to my transition - unfortunately it's a much more in depth step than anything I've done thus far, so I'm making a list of everything I need to do and figuring out how best to tackle each part of it. It feels much less overwhelming once it's on paper and you can figure out how to get at it.

What prosthesis are you using? Some are designed to be pleasurable to both parties, some are not. And advice on clothes - take your measurements and just let your girl shop for you. She'll enjoy it and she'll pick out things that she thinks you'll look good in. Bonus points if she doesn't ask you to go with her.

Ultimately, some days will be harder than others. Even being on T and having had top surgery, there are still some days where I look at myself and I'm not happy with what I see. It does help that my girlfriend sees me as 100% dude. It helps that my family and friends are supportive. But every now and then I just need a break from thinking about transition-related things. I think everyone feels this way from time to time.

Good luck sir. If you ever need to talk, feel free to reach out.

[mjarnar]

Thank you for the replies.
I'm not sure how to properly reply to your posts, so I'll try it like this:


Laura_7
Thank you for the clothing related suggestions.
And yes, I do try to be mindful of my energies. I don't have a TV at all, but I do like videogames. I play mostly low-stress games, but it does bother me that I'm rarely able to play more action oriented games without getting all nervous and shaky. Girlfriend would like me to play some games with her but I tire so fast.

I would love to work with all my hobby projects, and I look forward to working on them, but it feels like I don't have enough time to focus on any of them long enough to get the soothing flow.

Thank you for the hugs.


ftmax
Yes, making a list is handy, I have used it when in big life situations, like finishing trade school and there were a million things to remember and do. The habit-game I mentioned worked in a similar manner,  but managing it became a chore. Now I'm just in a situation where I can't think of clear goals to write down.

I'm trying to think of goals regarding exercise, something that doesn't involve weightwatching, it's bad for me to look at the number alone. Like some time ago when I was really fit and exercised a lot, getting muscle was what I wanted and still felt this sting of horror when I saw that I weighted more, even when it was just the muscle I wanted. It's so silly... and scary realizing how deep the programming goes, even when I'm aware of it.

The prosthesis is nothing special. Yes there are better, more expensive options, but I'm not sure if I can get anything out of them either.  It's like.. waking up after sleeping on my arm and it's all numb and lifeless "Nnnoo, I can't feel anything" waving the wobbly arm around, having no control over it or knowing what it touches. Of course I never expected to feel anything with the prosthesis itself, but still what surprised me was the feeling of weird, numb disconnection.

Thank you for the advice on clothes shopping, sadly my girlfriend is not much of a shopper either and my sensory issues make things even more complicated, but in itself it's not a bad idea.

Good luck to you too.

And good day/night to everybody.

[Saison Marguerite]

You definitely sound like you are dealing with depression. That makes a lot of sense given that your dog has died and that you are awaiting your next steps in transition. It's normal when you are depressed to lose motivation and even energy, mental illness makes you more physically tired and harder to make good choices for yourself as a result.

I have seen my boyfriend through some down times and the best thing that helps him is to take the smallest steps possible. Don't hold yourself to a high standard right away and try to find the places where you can take the steps. Like with the clothes. Don't go in thinking you have to find the perfect outfit right away if it is stressful for you, I know changing rooms can be a challenge for someone who is unhappy with their body. Maybe make it your goal to simply enter the store and look at shirts. And maybe try ONE on. And if you feel it is too much, leave it at that and try again another time. Or you may feel that since you are already in there you may as well keep looking. But set the bar low enough that you can manage without feeling like you didn't do what you set out to do.

Or with the exercise. Maybe some days all you can manage is to leave the house. Or maybe you will just get your shoes on. Whatever it takes to get the ball rolling because maybe once you take the first step you will be ready to go further. Or maybe you won't, so just work on getting out the door the first few times, then challenge yourself to take it further when you are ready.

[mjarnar]

Thank you for your reply, Saison Marguerite.

Maybe I am dealing with depression, though I don't yet feel that depressed. I have been depressed when I was younger and I know the feeling, and my current mental state isn't that bad.
But that is something I'm afraid of, that if I don't keep managing my energy, I end up sinking.

Thank you for the advice. ^_^

Good day/night to everybody.

[CMD042414]

You mentioned you are pre-op, are you on T yet? If so how long? If not is there anything keeping you from starting? Oddly enough I felt a bit worse about myself once I started T because I looked in the mirror all day trying to see results. If felt like an eternity until I finally saw a man looking back at me.

[Laura_7]

You mentioned you are pre-op, are you on T yet? If so how long? If not is there anything keeping you from starting? Oddly enough I felt a bit worse about myself once I started T because I looked in the mirror all day trying to see results. If felt like an eternity until I finally saw a man looking back at me.

Look in the eyes... it usually starts with the eyes

Then hairstyle... etc ... 

[Kylo]

Maybe get another pet dog. Animals are beneficial to our psychology and I do miss being able to have a dog or cat around because it was good for me and I like animals. Don't think of it as replacing your pet that died - most animals are just not blessed with our lifespans and there's nothing much we can do about it except enjoy the time we have with each one of them. If you had another maybe you could begin enjoying therapeutic walks again.

[mjarnar]

Thank you for the replies.


CMD042414
I'm not on T yet, as I haven't started the process at all because of money and having too little mental resources to deal with the stress of starting the hurdle. I'm planning on starting the process next year if I'm feeling strong enough, I really hope so.
Thank you for sharing your experience.


Laura_7
I don't know if you replied to me or CMD042414. I'm not sure how to respond to that, but thanks anyway. ^_^


T.K.G.W.
Thank you for the suggestion, but I do still feel that getting a dog would be replacing my old doggy, I'm not yet over it and I'm not in a place I'd be able to take care of the new doggy in a proper manner- I work three shifts, I'm too stressed and my girlfriend is not a doggy person so it would not be fair to her or the new doggy. Maybe some day, but not now.
If I were in a better situation, it would be a good idea, thank you.
I tried taking my mother's dog to walks but it still makes me miss my doggy a lot and feel horrible.


Good day/night to everybody.

[RaptorChops]

Don't feel like you are starting too late when you do decide to start T. I didn't start my transition until 2 years ago (28 at the time). Some didn't start until their late 30's-40's even 50's. Getting yourself motivated is really hard but when you start T and you actually see changes it really boosts you to do more. There are still some days where I have no motivation at all but I try to think about how my body will look with hard work and dedication and that usually pushes me in the right direction. As for nice clothing and good sizing I recommend H&M. Their clothing is European so the sizing is smaller than your typical US sizes. I always shopped there pre-T and now on T. Plus I work there so I get a great discount along with any other promos they have going on. I think my whole wardrobe is H&M.. I think I have a problem .