Questioning, very deeply

[MichelleZelda]

I need help... I really am not sure what's going on with me. Some days I feel as though I'm very feminine and want to go and do things that indicate that, usually those are very good times, and most of the time I feel really meh and only like a consciousness, not a person or being with ability to get things done.

I am questioning the fact that I'm questioning my gender. Like, how am I supposed to know what I want?

[Mariah]

Only you know what you need and want. I'm not sure if your seeing a therapist now, but if your not it would be beneficial. For me it was cut and dry and I knew, but for others or not. Doubts are not uncommon and can happen to all of us. Hugs
Mariah

[KimSails]

Like Mariah said, seeing a therapist, particularly one with experience in gender issues (if possible), would be a really good option to help you figure it out.

When I started seeing a therapist it was clear that I had some sort of gender issue.  It was not at all clear what I should do about it (not clear to *me* anyway, my wife would say that it was pretty clear to her early on that I should be transitioning ).

[MichelleZelda]

I have been seeing a therapist since April, and I just doubt lots and feel kinda bleh lots and then I have times more and more often that I want my body to change and to be socially accepted as at least NOT male... and when I'm feeling really good I feel more feminine, but I very rarely if ever feel at all masculine...

I saw him today, he is trans himself actually, so he really understands well.

**EDIT**

I guess I should add that before I started seeing the therapist, I was like 80% sure I wanted to transition and now due to life events and a bunch of things, it's probably more like 65%. I my past is a strong indicator.

[Mariah]

Doubts are a normal part of this so I wouldn't let them get you done. Strive for those things that make you happiest most though. Hugs
Mariah

[MichelleZelda]

Part of me just wants to dive right in and start HRT.

[takotsubo]

A trans therapist sounds like a valuable asset! I also find that it is easier to identify what I am not (male). Personally I find comfort in knowing at least that much. You haven't been in therapy terribly long. It seems likely that you and your therapist can get a clearer image of your gender identity with a little more work. Hang in there!

[MichelleZelda]

I feel like I don't have an identity at all. I never think of myself as an entity in my own life... I don't know why...

[MichelleZelda]

Ok. Now I've been wearing female clothes for 5 days.

It's SO right.... a HUGE weight has been lifted from me, I can think better. Still the odd hiccup but it's working itself out.

[findingreason]

What you described sounded much like me not too long ago in my life. Even sometimes now I will question if I'm doing the right thing transitioning. But then I look at what I would do if I "went back"....and the results would be devastating.

[MichelleZelda]

Now I realize this is definitely what I want to do

[KristinaM]

I talked to my doctor today about this same feeling.

I've spent my whole life searching for something to make me happy, yearning for the life I knew I was supposed to be living.  I wasn't happy and I didn't know why or what to do about it.  I felt like I wanted to travel and be a different person, walking a different path in this world.  I poured myself into this hobby and that hobby before getting bored and moving on.  I was finally able to get distracted by marriage, work, and starting a family, but it came back around and kicked me in the butt every year or so.

I still have problems in my life, who doesn't.  Bills, headaches, scheduling conflicts, family, lol.  But now I feel like I'm finally getting to be who I was meant to be.  There's no more searching, there's no more tears being shed for the unknown path that I should've been walking.  I know I am exactly where I need to be, doing exactly what I need to be doing.  And all I want to do is raise my daughter and continue being the happy person that I've discovered hiding inside myself after over 3 decades of keeping her unwittingly locked away inside me.

[JS UK]

I feel like I don't have an identity at all. I never think of myself as an entity in my own life... I don't know why...

I kind of feel like that Michelle. Kind of like I am a non thing. I've hated my birthday and Christmas for as long as can remember. It just doesn't feel like it's me. It's terrible, you wouldn't wish it on anybody.

Julie xx

[MichelleZelda]

I kind of feel like that Michelle. Kind of like I am a non thing. I've hated my birthday and Christmas for as long as can remember....

Not quite how I meant it, I meant it kind of like clear being a favourite colour, I almost feel agender,  but I would rather present as much more feminine than I have been all my life.