Disapproving wife

[Bobbi Anne]

I, like many girls, have a wife that does not approve of my dressing, almost to the point of us getting a separation. I just wish I could get her to understand I love the feeling of dressing to the nines, and not just for the sexual thrill. Any suggestions on what I can say to her that might ease her mind? Thanks in advance for your help.

[Kerry30Den]

I've been through both sides of this.  My ex wife did not approve and in the end we split up because I refused to give up wearing pantyhose (at the time that was the only thing I was wearing).  We tried to sit down and come up with a compromise, but we had compromized before and I was unwilling to let this one last bit of me go.  Though we loved each other we parted ways.  Fortunately it wasn't a messy divorce.

My 2nd wife is very accepting and helpful through all of this.  Polar opposite reactions and its like a breath of fresh air.

Now what do you do...  You need to sit down with her in guy mode.  You need to crack open a bottle of wine and talk to her.  Tell her your story... in all its gory details but most importantly you need to tell her how you feel when dressing, when not dressing, and how her disapproval makes you feel. 

Hopefully you aren't expecting her to fully embrace your dressing... it could happen, but your best hope is for tolerance rather than acceptance (the latter being far more appealing, but the former can save your marriage).  The key is going to be compromise..  Set some ground rules.  When can you dress, how often and to what degree can she tolerate. When you agree on some terms its imperative that you stick to it, and if either of you have feelings that the agreement needs to change there needs to be another talk.

One thing you might be battling is how and when she found out.  Wives that find out years after a marriage tend to see the lack of sharing as a betrayal.  The betrayal can be more painful than the dressing itself.  I suggest you explore this with her and see where you guys are at.

Best of luck, and reach out with progress and if you need more info.

Kerry

[Franny]

Hi Bobbi,

Kerry hit it on the head when she asked how your wife found out, and if it was something you discussed prior to marriage.  If it wasn't, then as Kerry said, your wife is likely more upset about the lack of honesty than your dressing. 

For most if not all of us, the fact we either want to be a woman, or want to present ourselves occasionally as a woman is the most embarrassing conversation we likely will ever have.  There is no easy way to approach the subject, and anyone not experiencing those feelings themselves is going to have a very hard time understanding why we feel this motivation.  Your wife married a man and most likely only wants to envision you that way.  Remember if you were ever caught, it would be an embarrassing situation for her to face as well.  The other factor is whether you have any children who could find you dressed, or any friends, family members, etc. who have a key and could surprise you and find you dressed.

All that being said, before you talk to your wife again, sit sown and honestly write down what you perceive as your motivation.  Many of us suppress either being Transgender and perceiving ourselves through clothing as the woman we want to be, or wanting to be with a man sexually, or just the sexual gratification wearing soft things can bring on.  Examine what your own motivation is and how important whatever the reasons are to continue.  Do you want to take it further, be fully dressed with smooth skin, wig, makeup, etc, go out dressed to be with others, go fulltime as a woman, or can you be satisfied with the occasional dressing in your own home.  Be honest with yourself, a semi truth told to your wife now, will only make matters worse if she discovers more later on.

Once you understand yourself, as Kerry suggested, sit down with a bottle of wine, maybe even go away for the weekend if you can, and read what you wrote to your wife.  Remember, there is NO way another who doesn't have these feelings can truly understand the depths of our feelings about this.  It's our job tyo try and help them understand.

Good luck and let us know how you make out.

[sam1234]

My guess is that your wife's only exposure to cross dressing/->-bleeped-<- from what she has seen on T.V.
The best thing I can think of is to have here go with you to counselling by a therapist who specializes. Usually people tend to believe things more when they come from an authority figure.

If you think that you might be a transgender, you might have some trouble. Some people just can't get over the fact that there is more to it than the smut that is shown on T.V. and movies. If she really loves you, she will come around, but if its too much for her to handle, you may lose her.

If she wants the marriage to work, then counselling with someone who undrerstands cross dressing and its implications.

sam1234

[Yuko]

Been there and done that.  Remember that at the end of the day, you are who you are.  You can not change.  Crossdressing is not an option.  My advice is to let her know that in the kindest and most loving way you can.  If you haven't done so already, let her know what CD'ing does for you....total relaxation, exposing yourself in the most vulnerable way possible, at peace with everything, makes you unique, etc.....   It maybe that she thinks that CD'ing is a choice.....it's part of our programming. 
Some ground rules are a good place to start, assuming your ok with them.  Let her know that others have had the same experience that that there are people such as myself who divorced over this.  Let her know how much you want the marriage to survive and love her.  I clearly remember going through this with my X.  It was really lonely.  I couldn't really talk to anyone.  I'm sure my X felt the same.  Please don't hesitate to reach out for help.  We're here for you and your wife.  Y

[sam1234]

I agree with Yuko. Cross dressing is really not a choice, anymore than being a transgender or gay/lesbian. It is part of your makeup and essential to your mental health. People don't choose to have conditions that make them miserable. Those of us with these anomalies have gone through personal struggle with our own identities, often with a very high price. You can't decide one day that you want to be a cross dresser or any of the other things. Its sort of like someone waking up one day thinking, gee, I think I will drink some gasoline today because it sounds like fun.

Anything that threatens people's existence or being part of a social society isn't something you choose. We may have lost a lot of our instincts over the thousands of years we have been around, but one that endures is the need to belong. People will do almost anything for that. If cross dressing makes your life easier and elevates your self esteem, then I say go for it.

sam

[westin21]

I have always tried to be honest with my wife and eased her into my feelings about cross dressing. She is tolerant and sometimes a participant but still has her reservations which I respect. I believe that time will help her to grow more comfortable.