Hi everyone.
As with all of you I'm new here and scared as hell. Scared I'm going to ruin my life, scared I'm go to hurt and ruin my wife's life, scared to be rejected by family and friends, scared, scared, scared. I'm 61 years old and I've always led a very constricted life. Few friends, rarely letting people get close to me.
For me, things started early. My mother told a 'funny' story when I was in high school to a girl I was trying to get up the courage to ask on a date. She said when I was 3 I came into the room dressed in my sister's clothes and told everyone I was now a girl. She said she thought it was funny but my father got furious and said 'no son of mine was going to dress as a girl' and told me to change. I never did ask that girl out on a date.
I remember in about 3rd grade going into my mother's closet and trying things on, imagining. Things escalated slowly from there and I was hiding clothes around 5th grade, stealing clothes form my sisters in high school and finally buying clothes in college. I began shaving, painting my toe nails and sleeping in a nightgown. All of which was not easy since I'm part of a big family and shared a room with my brother. While in college I stealthily read Jan Morris' and Canary Conn's biographies. I saw a therapist in training while in college and eventually got on a bus to another city and spoke with a counselor about a sex change. I tried to be very honest and told her I didn't think I felt like I was a 'woman born in a man's body' but that I was really unsure, all I could think about was the surgery, and though I though I wanted to transition I was scared. She listened, took a look at my beard and told me to go home. I was probably a transvestite.
I left to go to New York for graduate school (sculpture) and brought all my clothing with me. Around this time I started seeing a new therapist. At the time I could barely speak with her (or anyone for that matter) and was incredibly anxious and isolated in my life. I lived alone and when I wasn't feeling too guilty about it, I dressed, felt a little better, felt guilty, then immediately took off all the clothes and SWORE I would never do it again. Got a job, never dated. When I was around 30 I threw out all the clothing and tried to lock the door on it. Between then and now, things would leak out from time to time but things stayed pretty much contained, like me. About 20 yeas ago I met a woman and married. (She was probably only the 3rd or 4th woman I'd ever gone on a date with and was the first and only woman I've had intercourse with.) With very few exceptions, every time we have sex I imagine I'm the woman.
I'm still seeing the same therapist and while others may say that's crazy and I should find someone else, she's been very helpful in my life. Friend, sister, mother. I've been slowly opening up... kind of unfolding. She's always known about these feelings but I could never really talk about them, except in the abstract. Recently, a few months ago things really started to shift we started to finally break through and really start to talk about how contained I was. Something clicked inside me and I really, really wanted to open up this box I've been in for as long as I could remember. A good part the this containment was this big secret I've always held closely. All of a sudden all these locked away feelings and desired flooded out.
I've started buying clothes again. Spending time alone dressed, reading on this subject and really trying to figure out just what THIS is, what I need from THIS, how far I want to go and how far I'm willing to go.
Other than my therapist, I've only told one other person, a gay friend. That was about 2 weeks ago. I spent the whole time crying. He was very understanding. I've posted some things on some other forums and recently found this one. This is my inaugural voyage. I've picked a name. It's based on my mother's name. I've never really used it nor heard anyone call me by this name.
Tomorrow night I plan to go to an lgbt center. They are having an open meeting for Trans individuals who lean towards the feminine. If I'm not to scared that is.
I really, really don't know where I stand. Sometimes things quiet down and I don't think about this as much. Sometimes it comes roaring back and that's all I think about. Then I worry I'm rushing towards a cliff and am going to ruin my life. It's like a swinging pendulum, one extreme is a kind of androgy, the other is being a woman.
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